DP in debt and in denial... supportive help/advice needed

[tweettwoo]

DP has run up major credit card debts again. The first time this happened, about 4 years ago, we remortgaged the house to pay them off. I ranted and raved.

I now know he's in a mess again. I first found some demands by accident and then did some snooping (I'm not proud of it). He can't meet the payment on credit card bills and seems to have a loan which he is defaulting on. When I have asked him about it - gently - he blankly lies and says there isn't a problem. He is a very convincing liar!

I am past the being angry stage. I don't even particularly care about what he spent the money on but I do want him to be straight with me so we can sort it out. Even in this climate I should, in theory, to have pretty good salary and I have savings as well. (I keep them separate because of his previous form).
I also want him to stop buying crap for the kids, especially DD2. He spent far too much at Christmas and she is now starting to expect stuff on demand - which just make me furious .

Does anyone know how I can get him to own up to the situation and if there is any help for him. It is making me very frustrated. It wouldn't matter so much if we didn't own a house together - and have 2 kids - who adore their dad. I think he has a real "problem" - but don't know if it can be sorted

What particularly irks me is that I grew up in a house exactly like this - and I know how destructive it can be for children...

He's got his head in the sand.

Hope you have separate finances!

Oops, see you have a house together. How are you protecting your assets so you will still have a roof over you and your childrens heads eventually?

Frankly, it's not a case of how can I get him to change - he won't - but how can I protect me and my children.

Sorry if it sounds harsh.

Apart from the house - which has a big mortgage - all the assets are separate for good reason I am not that worried about a roof over my head - I can go back to working full time if I had too. I am more worried about the effect on our relationship. I hate the fact that he won't be honest with me. He probably wants to sort it out himself but he's just really rubbish with money.

You have to confront him with what you've discovered, the excessive spending on the children, your disappointment, the effect on your relationship, the bad example being set for the children etc., etc. He's being deceitful and secretive because he knows he's in the wrong and doesn't want to face the music. You have to not only blast him with music but give him some heavy deadlines and ultimatums to go with it. Such as..... he can't expect to keep behaving this way and nothing bad happens to him because then he has no incentive to change behaviour. So he has to make the appointment with a debt advisory service (CAB for example), go to that appointment, and plan what happens next. Him not you.

Such as... once he's seen CAB (or whoever) and has a plan it is his responsibility to make that plan work, not yours. Tell him that being the father of your children and being on a joint mortgage doesn't mean he's bomb-proof. You'd like to be married to a man, not mother to a very large third child.

Finally... whatever else happens, the lying and secrecy is a big danger-sign. I had a lying, secretive, financially-irresponsible DH that I kept bailing out and making excuses for. In the end he not only lied about the money he owed but also kept me in the dark about the OW he had as well :) He's now the exH.

thanks Cogito. You are right of course. I just need to summon up the anger - I know it's there - just buried! i really dont want to end the relationship but really fear he won"t change. . Don't think he has another woman. Couldn't afford her!

My exH was £20k overdrawn at the bank when he hooked up with his new woman. And that was back in the mid nineties. I like to think he's still the same stupid arse today, spending her money instead of mine ...