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Original poster

Solicitors lettter re. access........... what would you advise?

17 replies

BadgerBadger · 15/01/2006 23:13

Arrived home from house hunting for the weekend to be greeted by a letter from xH's mad mother (and father)'s solicitors, demanding access to my DD's, requesting me to go to mediation with them and giving the clear impression they'll drag me to court if I don't comply.

xMIL's gone to hit me once, been volatile and aggressive on several occasions towards me and others and in front of my children, scaring them to the point of hysterica.
They haven't made any attempt at contact over the last year or so and I haven't done anything to encourage it (obviously). Wont go into what the rest of the family are like.
xH has even asked them not to proceed.

Should I ....

a) Continue processing our move out of the area (month at most, with any luck. Have found a property already) and ignore, ignore, ignore. They wont have our future address.

b) Attend the initial mediation session and explain exactly why they (particularly she) wont be having contact with the children.

c) See a solicitor (TBH, haven't the time, money or inclination).

OP posts:

Original poster

BadgerBadger · 15/01/2006 23:16

Hysteria!*

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QueenMab · 15/01/2006 23:53

Ignore, ignore, ignore! Carry on as though you have not had a letter. From what you say it sounds highly unlikely they would get anywhere, even if they are going to persevere with this

annacoach · 15/01/2006 23:58

I feel very sympathetic to your situation. Scarey. And why should you take time from your kids, and money from your budget, and waste it on these loonies?

I don't have any legal training, but I'd say you only have to deal with access rights between you and your ex. He has a legal right to access - and you have to abide by that. Once you have sorted that 'obligation', your task ends.

It's up to him to deal with his family, and nothing to do with you anymore. Connection over - these people are strangers to you.

If it were me, I'd write a really short note to him, cc. their solicitor (at the very least it will cost them to have their man read it), and say that it is his responsibility to sort this matter out to the satisfaction of all parties.

I don't think you can stop them seeing the kids. You would have a nightmare trying to prevent it, I reckon. But do underline in writing to your x that you've concerns about their behaviour and state that obviously if the kids ever reported any problems to you then you would obviously have to review the situation. That might make them respect your status as the mother, and behave.

Let him be the gatekeeper for contact on his side of the family. Don't fight losing battles or engage with nutcases. Dump problems where they belong. I hope that helps. :-)

Original poster

BadgerBadger · 16/01/2006 00:02

I have to say that is the most appealing option at present! The other, most important aspect really, is that DD's will have enough changes to contend with in the near future without the comings and goings of the unequivocally unbalanced (to put it politely) xMIL. That is, if they were to succeed, though I would think (and hope) it unlikely?

there is of course another option...

d) Any other suggestions!

Thanks QMab.

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Original poster

BadgerBadger · 16/01/2006 00:06

Thanks annacoach, that does help. DD's are only 3 and 1 though so there is no way on earth the GP's will be involved with them at present. From what I can make out, they have no legal rights to access. They can apply for something through court but what this ammounts to, I'm not sure? xH has a lot of contact with DD's at present.

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mummytosteven · 16/01/2006 08:10

Not very hot on family law but bumping as am sure there is someone on here who will be more knowlegeable. I think you are correct that Grandparents rights are very limited as to contact.

Loobie · 16/01/2006 08:53

I dont think they would have a chance of it even if they did drag you through court,the other plus point is that your xh has also asked them not to proceed.I would ignore the letter and continue with your move,forget all about them.

Caligula · 16/01/2006 09:35

They have no legal rights at all at the moment.

I'd write them a short businesslike note saying that I'm unwilling to go to mediation with them as mediation only works with rational people who are willing to put the interests of the children before their own desires and interests. Their violent and abusive behaviour towards me and my children, coupled with a relentless bullying and aggressive approach to contact and to me, makes me unwilling to have anything to do with them at all. I'd also point out that their own son agrees with me.

That should spell out to the solicitor what he's dealing with, and if s/he's any good at all, s/he should advise these people that a court case would be a waste of money.

SoupDragon · 16/01/2006 09:40

I was under the impression that grandparents had no legal right to access.

Freckle · 16/01/2006 09:43

Grandparents can apply to the courts for contact. However, in view of what you have said about their previous behaviour, I suspect they wouldn't be successful.

Perhaps you could get xH to write to their solicitor pointing out that their behaviour has been unreasonable, violent and aggressive and that he does not think it is in the best interests of the children for any contact to take place. You could also write as advised below. I think the double whammy of these letters might lead their solicitor to advise them not to proceed. By the time all this has happened, you'll have moved and they'll be snookered!

Original poster

BadgerBadger · 16/01/2006 22:05

Thanks for your replies. I'll have a word with xH about a letter but I'm not sure that he is couragous enough to put what he's had to say in writing, unfortunately. His family can be extremely intimidating and he swings between siding with them and not, although he is adamant that he doesn't want them to proceed, it's all quite difficult.

OTOH, I do have witnesses to xMIL's behaviour so I too would be surprised if a court viewed contact as good for the children.

I think I'll ignore for as long as possible. Thanks for the letter suggestions, I might use them over the next couple of days. I think I'll give it all time to sink in and go from there. Doesn't help that I've been called to mediation on friday though!

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Original poster

BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 23:26

FFS, the woman's insane! Had a word with xH, he again approached xMIL about not proceeding, pointing out that there's little point now that I'm moving. When she asked whether he would be giving her my new address and he said he wouldn't, she said..........
she's going to hire a private detective to find me

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Original poster

BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 23:26

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Freckle · 20/01/2006 07:08

When you move, it might be a good idea to contact the local police to advise that you have a potential problem with a deranged MIL. She certainly sounds quite mad.

Original poster

BadgerBadger · 20/01/2006 09:10

Freckle, thanks, I had been considering something like that but wondered whether it was a bit extreme to even consider it. Then again, in the face of extreme behaviour I suppose it would be sensible to put something (?) in place.

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Freckle · 20/01/2006 09:14

Well, if you don't inform them and something then kicks off, you'll regret it. If you do, and nothing happens, at least you'll have peace of mind.

crunchie · 20/01/2006 09:55

I think you should contact the police when you move, explain you are worried for the kids safety as she is threatening their security ie forcing them to see her when they don't want to. If you go from the kids angle then teh police are far more likely to be willing to help.

TBH I would defineatly reply to the solicitors letter with everything you have mentioned here, you don't need to waste money on your own solicitor. As soon as anyone reads what you have to say, they will be sure to advise not to continue. The other option I would think, if she continues this harrassment is for you to pay double bluff and threaten to get a court order denying them any contact with your kids. I am sure you would be within your rights to do this.

It is always so sad when familes act like this. Normally I would say it would be good to continue access with your kids as it is a shame to deny them their grandparents, but when it is like this.....

At least your xdh supports you, but I would have a word with him about his visits/contact, and make sure he doesn;t sneakily take the kids to the grandparents without your knowledge.

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