How do I keep my hard earned new salary for me and mine! (step families)

[lostlilly]

( sorry its a bit long)I am a mother of one and have been married for several years, my husband has a son from a previous relationship who is now 12. My husband and I have always worked and my husband paid a large lump sum of maintenance when he sold his own house several years ago. I found it hard to get a decent permenant job after having my child and I ended up going to back to university to further my career. I have always been well educated and brought in the main salary when I have worked, now that I have finished my second degree I have started a new post with a great salary which has doubled our income! However we have struggled and got into lots of debt over the last three years while I have been studying and we have not had a holiday for five years. My Mother in law has already made comments about my income, fishing to know what it is, and I know she will tell my husbands ex straight away so I have not even told my husband!
His ex has NEVER worked, she has sat on benefits for almost 13 years and has a two year old housing association house. I REALLY resent my very hard earned money going to benefit her and her son when she has in my view, done nothing to help herself at all. Its making me really cross and secretive, has anyone else been in this situation or got any advice

Yes I did judge after I read the very judgy OP.

I dont take any post that talks about an emotive subject like this that involves other people who dont have the chance to give their side at face value.

I really dont see how anyone could TBH.

the only thing the op was asking for an opinion on was whether the CSa can attach her earnings

She should have left out the judgy shit then shouldnt she?

Ok yes im judging someone that is being judgy, under the circumstances I think I can live with myself.

Lostlilly ? don?t worry, your salary is safe. In the UK, only the mother and father of a child have any financial responsibility. When my DH and I first starting living together, the ex made (unsuccessful) attempts to have my salary taken into consideration, so I know first hand that it?s only the father?s salary that is assessed.

Which is good news, because ? like you ? I?ve worked hard to create a good career for myself. So has DH, so we enjoy reaping the rewards. We have no issue at all paying sensible maintenance for SS (based on DH?s salary).

DH?s ex doesn?t work, she?s had two more babies since she split with DH, and whilst she often moans about being hard-up, I have zero sympathy. She chose to leave her first marriage, she chose to have two more babies soon after ? and thankfully I don?t have to bankroll any of her choices. If the ex wants more money, then she could get a job ??.. !!!

?It?s amazing how many step parents are viewed as responsible for their step children financially, but are overstepping the mark if they try to get involved in any actual ?parenting? decisions!?

Excellent comment, very perceptive.

In our household this goes one step further - DH?s ex refuses to involve him in any parenting decisions ? she only seems to recognise his place as a parent when she wants cash ??..

There are so many double standards with this.

although I agree that the stepmums salary shouldn't be taken into account necessrily its not always so simple - you see cases where the husband gives up work/takes a low paid job because it works for the new family (normally becasue the new wife works) and this changes the money he pays for his old family - which never seems fair

While (thankfully!) what I earn isn't calculated in terms of maintenence, it doesn't mean that I pay nothing towards her and her upkeep.

I pay extra for food, heating and all of the other things she needs when she's with us. I put more into the pot than I would have to do if I was married to a man who didn't already have children and on more than one occasion have had to pick up the tab for things when DH has overspent on DSD but not spent on DS and DD who are both his children as well.

I can't argue with that.

Sorry, pressed ?send? too soon. What I wanted to add, was that Baby makes a very good point ? that even though the step mother?s salary isn?t considered for maintenance purposes, the step child generally benefits from her salary whilst ?under her roof.?

We take SS abroad every other year, and because I work, he gets better holidays than if I didn?t. He gets the benefits (on access weekends) of living in a nice house (again, the fruits of two good salaries) and we can give him a decent amount of pocket money and buy him nice things.

It?s important that you look at the bigger picture. SS doesn?t benefit from my salary in respect of maintenance payments, but there are lots of ways that he benefits indirectly. And that suits me fine, because the child is then getting the perks, not his non-working mother.

As I said in an earlier post, if the ex wants more money, then perhaps she could remove her ever-increasing backside off the sofa and go to work ???????????

CSA payments decrease if you have children with your DH, his maintenance payments for his other children go down in proportion. so your going on maternity leave had nothing to do with the CSA payments decreasing in as far as your income decreased, but everything to do with the fact that your DH had an additional child to take care of.

For what it's worth I wouldn't tell anyone how much I earned if I didn't want to either, it's nobodys business really.

Regardless of whether your D's ex works or not your DH has a financial reponsibility to all his children, it's a given he will always have a responsibility towards all his chidlren regardless of his personal relationship with the mother of the children.

The whole issue or who is responsible for what becomes irrelevant when your step-children's mum dies - mine came to live with us aged 8 (stepson) and 14 (stepdaughter) after their mother sadly passed away from a brain tumour in 2008. When they divorced 10 years ago, my husband left her everything (house, contents etc) which I think was the right thing (it was ultimately for his children) and he always paid a decent amount of maintenance money by direct debit every month. He also took on all their debt (£20,000) which I ended up paying half of so we could clear it and start afresh. When she died, my stepchildren obviously came to live with us, meaning we had to move house and double our mortgage plus re-think our working arrangements (I have a son from a previous relationship and we also have one child together). It soon transpired that no thought or care was put into day-to-day living expenses, we just have to get on with it and muddle through together - in the meantime, my stepchildren each get £70,000 paid in full on their 18th Birthdays from their mum's estate. My stepdaughter just got her money and she couldn't wait to get out the door - hopefully she won't blow it but I know what I was like at that age! It does sometimes anger me that nothing at all was put in place for us, as parents, to help pay expenses. I know that if the boot had been on the other foot and my husband had died, I'd have been pursued by his ex-wife until I was in my own grave. I'm sorry if this sounds a little resentful but, in part, it is. It's obviously not the children's fault and they've been through a truly awful time but I would urge anyone with issues NOW about maintenance/responsibilities etc to imagine what life could be like if a tragedy happened (and to think about whether your husband has financial arrangements in place for his children if anything happens to him). You never foresee things like this and, thankfully, they're rare but it's been very hard for us as a family - our priorities have obviously been re-building our family as a new unit (including my own children getting used to sharing their mum with their stepsiblings) and helping them cope with grief. But life would be a lot easier without the financial issues nagging away in the background.

Gooshka you raise a good point.

As a stepmother who is the main breadwinner, owns the home, and is married to a man who has two children from a previous marriage, your income is NOTHING to do with the ex.

My husband's ex is constantly moaning about the fact that he is better off, that we go on lots holidays (many with the children, I hasten to add) and that she does not. It is none of her business. It's my money that I freely and gladly share with my DH and often on his children. However she has no claim on any of it.
Dont worry about what anyone else may try to tell you. Good on you for getting where you are. Dont worry about the ex and her situation, likewise, that is nothing to do with YOU.

I can relate to all of the posts here as prior to becoming a full-time step-mum to children whose mother had passed away, I was the classic part-time (weekends only) step-mum with a bitter ex-wife who constantly accused of us of 'living the high life' (hardly!), playing games with access, Christmas, bank holidays etc. Stepfamily life, no matter how you manage finances etc, is incredibly difficult ... it pushes all of your emotions to boundaries that you didn't know existed. I love my husband and I do love my stepchildren but I can categorically say that, if anything was to happen to my husband I would never ever take this path again. I think it's a once in a lifetime investment unless you are one of life's total angels (and they do exist, I'm just unfortunately not one of them). I think I'm kind and loving and I think I do my best - I'm not a perfect stepmum but then I'm not a perfect mum either. And, yes, money is most definitely an issue - one that we can all do without when trying to deal with the complexities of step-family life. And as for Wills and inheritence... well I think another thread needs to be started about that as it's a total minefield!