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Money matters

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Original poster

should i feel bad for keeping my bank balance a secret from dp?

13 replies

juicychops · 11/05/2011 15:39

me and dp dont live together, but we've been together for 5 years.

he has loads of debt - he pays the mortgage for the house his kids and ex live, pays a lot towards their keep, owes thousands in various credit cards/loans etc and always exceeds his overdraft limit each month.

i recently moved and due to my rent increase said he would start to give me £50 towards elec/water/food etc he uses as he stays here a few nights in the week when he's not got his kids.

my housing benefit has finally been sorted out after 7 weeks of waiting and i got a lump sum for backdated payments which has brought me out of my overdraft for the first time in probably years. I have been really tight with my money keeping to a strict budget and ive given up my car to cut down outgoings

anyway, this month he's so far not given me my £50 saying he cant afford it. he's trying to sort it out but i think he's spent all his wages for this month until his next pay day.

Once my housing benefit starts being paid i shall be in a better position than i first thought i would be in, so providing i stick to my tight budget, have a chance to build my balance up a bit and save for the first time ever.

Dont get me wrong, im by no means well off - i also got a letter saying i owe £355 from overpayments, and my rent is higher than it used to be so larger outgoing. i only work part time so not a huge wage.

But i still would like this £50 per month as i do budget for it, i do pay all the bills for my flat and he does stay here 3-5 nights per week so does contribute towards racking up the bills. I think £50 is VERY reasonable amount to ask for and im 100% sure he costs more than £50 per month.

however, what im worried about is if i disclose the fact im out of my overdraft and SAVING money each month, he wont bother with my money or wont consider it a priority as he does at the moment while he thinks im struggling.

I feel really bad. ive not ever told him i got my backdated money yet. I feel too guilty.

He's so wasteful with his money so its his own fault he's in debt. i just feel bad i am now in a better position than him. shall i continue keeping it to myself?

what would you do?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 11/05/2011 15:59

I'm expect a lot of people will disagree with what I'm about to say but I don't think what you're doing is wrong at all. If you have a pretty good idea that your partner is truly lousy with money and likely to stop contributing if he thinks you have a few pence in the bank, then your approach seems the most sensible thing to do.

Should you ever decide to live together and share household expenses (and you sound reluctant to do so, which I can understand), I would also recommend that you maintain a degree of separation between 'your' money and 'his' money... but set up an 'our money' for joint costs that you both chip into. Forget 'what's mine is yours' :) "Always have a bit put by" was the best advice I was ever given. And, having been married to someone who was very good at spending cash he didn't have, I can honestly say that it was only the 'bit put by' that he didn't know about and couldn't physically spend that saved me from bankruptcy in the end.

BecauseImWorthIt · 11/05/2011 16:03

You're not married and you're not living together, so I think you're very wise to keep your finances totally separate. And if he is as feckless with money as you suggest, then definitely don't tell him about your situation.

However,

a) if he is that bad at managing his money, I'd really advise you against factoring in his £50 every month - because if/when he lets you down by not paying, your budget will suffer

b) if he's staying with you 3-5 days a week and paying you money for that, will that not threaten your housing benefit? I honestly don't know if it will or not, but you should consider that.

FollowMe · 11/05/2011 16:05

IS he rubbish with money though? Or is he only struggling to get by each month because he is paying mortgage and bills on a house his kids live in, rent and all bills on his own house and also trying to contribute towards your household bills??
Thats an awful lot of outgoings for anyone to cope with!

If he is genuinly struggling due to that and you are managing ok with your one household of rent and bills then I do think its a bit mean to hide the fact that you can manage without his money when he is clearly not able to afford to pay it tbh

mercibucket · 11/05/2011 16:13

I'd be careful about how many days he stays over because won't that affect benefits/counciltax etc? don't really know tbh but that's what I'd be checking out, especially if I was getting payment for utilities from him

Original poster

juicychops · 11/05/2011 16:14

He REALLY is that bad with money. For example, this month he hasn't yet given me the £50 towards bills, yet 2 weeks ago he took one of his kids to Chessington AND on top of the ticket price paid a further £50 for each of them for these express ticket things so that they wouldn't have to queue for the rides. the day cost almost £200. so he will gladly pay out for stuff like that but then say he can't afford to help towards bills he's run up. This is why i feel reluctant to tell him not to worry about the £50 each month - because he COULD afford it if he wanted to, he just doesn't see me as a priority and i feel like he's taking the piss quite a bit

He just has his priorities completely wrong when it comes to money and doesn't help himself. He also owes me a lot of money from the past which he's not paid any back yet, and i also have a loan out in my name which i got out years ago before i knew how rubbish he was (he does pay this back each month)

His kids go over their minutes on their mobiles sometimes up to £100 more per month but he doesn't punish them etc. things like this all the time. 2-3 take aways per week for him and the kids. stuff thats a complete waste of money.
if i didn't ask him for money towards bills he runs up at mine i would feel like he had a complete free ride and was using me a bit. I know he's not, but i think he's got comfortable over the years me paying for everything

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 11/05/2011 16:18

He owes you money, he welshes on tiny amounts for household contributions and he got you to take out a loan for him in your name?..... I'm sure he's a very nice man but he is using you financially, I'm afraid. Give him a very wide berth when it comes to anything money-related. Do not lend him anything or sign anything. And really think hard before agreeing to share an address with him because your credit rating will sink without trace if you do.....

Original poster

juicychops · 11/05/2011 16:24

dont worry Chil, i will NOT be living with him in the near future. He has a lot to sort out before its ever even considered. I haven't lent him money in years and i have made it very clear to him i will not in the near future either.

this is all why i feel reluctant to let him know my bank balance. ive always made it seem like im on my overdraft limit (which up until recently i actually was) and i quite like him thinking that because it means he knows i have no money to lend him if he was desperate and that i dont have this life of luxury.

OP posts:

mercibucket · 11/05/2011 16:29

sounds a very wise decision juicychops - he seems to have the cash to flash when it suits so stick to your guns over the £50

MirandaGoshawk · 11/05/2011 16:29

I think you'd be a fool to tell him you're out of debt, in fact to share any financial details with him. YANBU to keep it all to yourself - it's your business, and you have predicted what will happen if he knows. Most likely it's be worse than that - he'll ask you to help 'tide him over'.

I was married to someone like this. At various times he was working & I wasn't, I was working & he wasn't, and we were both working, but didn't matter which, I was always the one who bought the food & paid the bills. Money burned a hole in his pocket, he had no sense where it was concerned. Sounds like your DP is the same. I hope he's worth it!

Original poster

juicychops · 11/05/2011 16:44

i hope he's worth it too!!

despite being crap with money he does have a lot of good qualities. Im just waiting for the time where his kids are out of full time education so that he can sell the house and hopefully sort his finances out so that we can have a stable life together

One day.....

i feel reasured now - im going to keep my financial situation to myself for now

OP posts:

Starbear · 12/05/2011 10:13

I should be doing some work but here is my 2pence worth. I'm married, together for 10 years and we have always had seperate accounts and I have never told him what is in my account or I his. We really like it this way. But DH has cleared the debt he was in when he met me, I would not have married him otherwise (due to Dad & Mum's experiences) this has made life a lot easier.
My Mum had a real hard time with Dad and his huge debt until she divorced him and took control. They were back together about two year later until he died 30 years after the divorce. She never allowed him to risk her financal future again. Don't pool your resources together until he has seriously changed his ways and agree that you won't lend him anything, but you can't tell him your private finanancal stuff but also don't lie because he'll catch you out and then he'll always think you've got more than you really have.

inchoccyheaven · 13/05/2011 18:22

You defintely need to be careful about the amount of time he spends at your time because if you are investigated by the housing benefits dept they will take his income into account if they feel it is his main residence. There isn't a set amount of nights etc but if he is contributing to the household in anyway and this can include buying you food etc then you are on tricky ground.

PatriciaHolm · 13/05/2011 21:07

If he has loads of debt, then no, he can't afford £50 a month; all his spare case should be going on sorting his debts. The face he's stupid with it right now doesn't mean he can afford to give it to you. He needs some serious help with this; can you get him to take some advice, from CAB or something? He can't carry on like this or he'll end up bankrupt.

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