really down about lack of money

[alfiesmadmother]

I don't work, my youngest is an infant, my oldest is 8. Before you tell me to get a job, I have 2 pre schoolers, my husband works til 9pm 3 nights a week, saturday and sunday mornings.

ALL his wages go on bills, I pay both phone and car insurance. I don't see any of his wage as he is repaying debts including a council tax debt that is coming straight out of his wage.

So I live on my child benefit. My DH earns £35000 which means this will do, and I get £10.50 a week tax credit which usually buys their lunches. I occasionally make money on ebay to pay for car MOT/tax/birthdays and have sold almost all I own. including my car .

I just feel really desperate and alone. I do love my DH but the strain on our relationship is bad and we blame each other for things that have gone wrong. Losing the child benefit is the final straw, our rent os £750 and counciul tax would normally be £145, we have already got a payment plan for our debts.

I feel if i wasn't married I would get help with benefits etc but I have nowhere to turn and I am desperate in floods of tears. I have let my children down so badly.

thanks for your advice I LOVE TIFFANY.

tbh it sounds as if this is less about household income and more about your frustration at how you have little control over how it is spent. Ostensibly it should be manageable, as it is the average for UK, but you seem overcommitted somewhere along the line and you are making the sacrifices to make ends meet. Is your dh prepared to discuss family finances ?

That should be 'because'

What help would you like op?

There are bound to be ways you can improve things.

It does sound, maybe, as if your DH is keeping you at arms length from his money and that your frustration is also one of lack of control.

mmmitsdelicious- That's a bit mean telling OP not to moan and that 35k should be enough. She's hardly out buying tiaras and caviar. A family I know brings in half of what we do but their mortgage is about £500 a month less and her husband doesn't spend £400 a month just getting to work like mine does.

35k is not a lot when you have 3 x DCs and a partner, all dependent on one income, and her DH is obviosuly in debt to the CT, who are taking at source.

Alfiesmadmother- I got behind on council tax once and like any creditor, you need to talk to them. If they are taking £400 from a family of five to the point where you can't even give your kids proper sandwiches then soemthing is very wrong. Perhaps they don't realise the hardship this amount is leaving you in.

From reading your posts, this would be my first step. You also need to give your DH a kick up the backside about not having sorted this. Best of luck. It happens to more people than you think.

Have a look at the Money Saving Expert Website

There is loads of good advice on saving and making money.

These are 2 good boards to look at but have a good mooch around the boards as there is a lot there.

MSE Debtfree Wanabe

MSE Moneysaving Old Style

Op I feel for you. Crap situation. Hoping you'll be better off soon!

thank you, there are actually 6 or us, my daughter is 1 and luckily I still breastfeed which saves a lot of money. We spoke to council tax and sent all our details off but never hear back.

And to be honest DH is keeping me at arms lenghth with the money because he doesn't want me to spend-seriously almost all is on bills.

It is a situation where I feel trapped i guess.

but surely if it has got to the point where you cannot do a weekly food shop then it is past you just "spending" it. Presumably he gets to eat too ? Sorry but I wonder if he is really budgetting as hard to pay all those bills without anything left over. If he is, then as I said below you both really need to go to CAB together and work out where it is all going and how you can resume real control rather than continue to service and accumulate debt. CT is one of those priority debts you simply cannot opt not to pay, just like rent, but at £400 pm it will be paid off soon. Then you need to address paying off any other debts (sorry not clear if the £260 is the unpaid CT or another one) and make sure you have a budgte in place to ensure you don't get into this situation again. MSE fourm is good - meal plannign , budgetting ideas a plenty.

LIZS gives sound advice about how to tackle this from a practical viewpoint.

Also, while dealing with the immediate issues, the really important thing is to make a longer term plan too. You say in your op 'don't tell me to find a job, as my youngest is one' but tbh now is the time to start planning because before you know it, she'll be well on her way to school. It CAN feel tough when you're trapped in that middle band, of struggling to pay the bills yet not being entitled to help. But look at it this way: now is the toughest time; it can only go up from here, because you are all (family of 6 ) relying on one income. It wont be like that forever. Also, it's not entirely true that you'd get no help with childcare- doesn't everyone Get a certain number of free hours for children aged 3 now? Not sure of the detail, but it all helps, and I would have given my right arm for it back in the day when my kids were in childcare!
It sounds like its all built up and you feel trapped and angry. Make two plans - how to tackle the issue short term, say, over the next 4/6 months; and how you are ngoing to plan for the coming years so that you can Both bring in more money.
jointly bring in more
Omej

Whoops don't know what happened at the end there!!

The problem seems to be DH does not understand/is sticking his head in the sand about the fact that there is not enough to live on/eat, buy things for the dcs left over. He keeps you at arms length so you won't "just spend it". But you only want to spend on food etc, (been there with the marmite sandwiches), not frivoloties. What does he spend on himself? Does he take marmite sandwiches to work for his lunch?

And yes, if you were not married, he would have to pay you maintenance. The CSA would not care about his debts (are they his debts alone). If he then didn't have enough money to feed himself, he would have to re negotiate with his non priority debt creditors. I suppose it depends on how the rest of the relationship/marriage is.

You say the Council Tax arrears are only for 3 more months. So will things improve then? Will DH then allow for at least some of that money to be spent on food shopping. What about clothes and shoes for the DCs?

I really sympathise with you. Dh has been in paid employment for a year - but before that he was out of work for two. During that time we had some inheritance money and his redundancy money, but mainly we were £200 down before we even ate.

We got through - just. It will take us a while to recover, but we are finally in a position where we have disposable income - which all goes in about ten days - but that's another story.

Basically, I'm really concerned about the Council Tax payments as this seems really unreasonable. As one who has spent two years negotiating payments for all kinds of things, it's my experience that if you assertively lay out your income and outgoings, indicate what you can pay and make the first payment, then they have to accept that.

If, God forbid, it gets as far as court, the judge will deem that you have actually been quite responsible.

My neighbours managed to pay NO council tax for two years somehow - they are just dippy. They went to court and arranged to pay £40 a month til it was all gone.

Be assertive with them. Even if you pay £100 you'll have some left.

And as for moaning - yes there is a point actually. It makes you feel better because people then come out and say 'me too!' and that can be a good feeling - so don't be mean.