I want to ask my best friend something important, but don't want to spook her..............

[ImportantMatters]

I want to ask my best friend if, in the event of me and dh both dying, would she be willing to be our childrens guardian.

We've thought a lot about it, and although I have siblings who I could ask, for various reasons, she is our first choice.

So.....I want to do it a) without freaking her out b)making sure she knows absolutely that she can say no (as we could ask my sister)c) ensuring she knows there would be enough money in our Estate for her to be able to do it without life being a huge financial struggle and, her interests would be protected, ie the Estate would need to help her too re having a home, pension etc.

She is single, with no children of her own and a good career, so this is a BIG thing to ask. We would do it on the basis of reviewing our will every 2 years so she can opt out if she wishes.

What do you think?

Saw this dropping off active convo's so thought I would add my two penn'orth. I would maybe write a letter - detail everything carefully, and then she has time to really think it over without you being there, iyswim. If you ask her face to face it really puts her on the spot - and she will need time to think it over carefully as it is such a significant thing to do.

Also, are you sure you won't be hurt if she does say no?

I hope she says yes, she must be very special for you to want her to do this.

We've already agreed with a family member that they'll have our kids and we'll have theirs if anything happens in the near future. Your friend may be your first choice but IMO it's a big thing to agree to anyway and even more so for a single person. However - if she likes your children and is good with them, you can always rely on her and you know in your heart that she'd be able to look after them as if they were her own, then she's a good choice. Talk to her first, a letter's a bit formal

We have done this recently with a friend of ours. We just asked her outright, but prefaced it by saying it's a gruesome topic, that we don't want her to answer straight away and that she absolutely can say no. We actually mentioned the "you can say no" bit several times during the conversation. She is still in the thinking about it phase.

It is a difficult thing to bring up, there is no easy way to talk about this stuff. I think she was quite flattered to be asked. No idea if she will say yes or not.

Another reason it's better to talk about it rather than write a letter is that it gives her the chance to ask questions. Our friend asked some very pertinent questions that made me feel even more sure she would be the right person.

I agree with moo - I would write her a nice, friendly letter outlining what you would like her to do and why you would like her to do it. Write everything down - that way you won't forget to tell her anything important, and you can make sure that the tone is right as well. Tell her that you want to give her plenty of time to think it over, that there is no pressure for her to make a rushed decision, and that you would love to talk it over with her face-to-face over a coffee whenever she's ready to.

It sounds as if she is very special and important to you, and I really hope that she feels she can do this.

Thanks for your responses .

I like the idea of putting it all down in writing and letting her have time to consider it, then talk it through with me/us. It's a huge thing to ask (however unlikely it might be) and I want to get it right, plus make sure she knows that if she says "no" that's absolutely fine and I wouldn't feel any different about her. There's a lot to consider and say, and I could cover it all better in a letter in the first instance.