how can i make my dp let me help him with his debts and money situation ?

[juicychops]

my dp and i dont live together therefore have seperate money.

i know that he is in a lot of debt somewhere in the region of £10-£15k. but he's just dealing with it silently and wont let me in

ive been trying to get him to let me help him deal with it for a while now but i think he's too embarrassed or too proud. i can see he's suffering and he's deppressed

he owes me an awful lot too. i have my own debts (money ive leant him over the years) which i have consolidated it all and have got the payments right down. i was hoping that would make him want to sort his out but it hasn't

i hate seeing him like he is and just want to help him. i know i cant force him, but how can i encourage him to let me help him?

i haven't leant him any for a long time. he pays out so much in repayments and interest that i dont think he has anything left and im worried he's over his overdraft paying even more charges than necessary but i dont know to what extent the damage is

what can i do?

i wont be online for a while so will reply to responses in a few hours when i get home

thanks in advance for your advice

I don't know that you can 'make him' let you help. I think debt is one of those things that you can't really deal with until you acknowledge, for yourself, that you have a problem.

Do you think he would be able to go to a Debt Advice charity and deal with it there - without you? Maybe he doesn't want to let you know the full extent of it?

Do you think he realises that there may be different options open to him to get back in control of his finances?

thanks purpleturtle for replying. i know he is worried about money, but dont know if HE sees it as an actual problem that he's not on top of. But i know its totaly out of his control now.

whenever i bring it up he changes the conversation or gets moody with me but has never disclosed the amount of debt he has. i dont know if its cos he doesn't want to let me know the extent of it all but i really dont think il be shocked as i am expecting it to be quite a lot. He has 3 kids and is constantly buying them things that they need and want and does over compensate for the fact he doesn't see them every day, which is fine but only if you have the money. he doesn't.

i dont know what to do about it. i want us to get a place together in the next year or so but cant possibly consider that if this is how he's going to be with money. He even earns a fairly good above average wage but still has nothing at the end of it. (over half goes on the mortgage for the house his ex and kids live in)

i dont know if he would take himself to a debt person to talk to. Im worried he's going to get desperate and get one of these stupid 2270% APR tv loans!

Why don't you suggest that you both go to one of the free debt places together?

As in "i've got loads of debt, I know you have to let's go and get this sorted"

i could try at least.

i know he's worried about this summer hols as he's off for 2 weeks in aug with the kids and has no money to do anything with them- let alone go on holiday which is what he wanted to do

they are teenagers so not likely to settle for the park and picnics

Perhaps they should take up walking - you're right, parks and picnics might not cut it - but a 10 mile walk should keep them all out of trouble (and shops)!

He probably needs to make some very difficult decisions about the sustainability of paying the mortgage on a house he doesn't live in, too.

he's in the process of getting divorced at the moment (i think- i dont ask questions!) so im hoping some of the money issues and the things he pays for will be some way resolved through that.

here's hoping!!

I wouldn't move in with the man until he gets it sorted out. Seriously.... having disastrously married someone just as you describe who had his head in the sand about finance and who resented any form of assistance... don't team up with him until it's totally under control. Money troubles are poison in a relationship. Glad you're not lending him anything as well.