Friend lost a baby, how can I help her?

[DewinDoeth]

She was overdue, her little girl died and she delivered her on Saturday (by c-section, just to make matters worse).

What can I do? What's the best thing? Stay away? Send flowers? I want to make her something, cakes or something, but I can't help thinking that a cake is hardly going to fill the enormous, life-changing void.

I'm so, so upset for her, and I really want to do anything I can to help.

Don't stay away, she might really be needing some company at the moment. I wouldn't send flowers, however nice they are and they do show that someone is thinking of you, they are also a reminder of what has happened until they die, which can be upsetting all over again.

If you want to make her something why not take round a pizza and cakes/chocolate and a girly film (nothing sad or with babies in!), that way she has company but doesn't have to talk about it unless she wants to.

Depending on your relationship you could do the washing up or vacuuming while you're there, just to give her one less thing to have to think about.

I hope she is ok.

Thanks. Will take her lead, and see how she wants to do things. She has no other children, and her DH is off work at the moment, but I guess it becomes horrendous once he has to go back to work...
Her family is nearby (Mum, Dad, sister), but - and I'm only guessing here - her sister had a baby 2 months ago, a little girl, and that's got to be hideous, right?

The little girl has a beautiful name. I want to sort of say 'you are a Mum' because she is, but people are kind of freaking out for her etc. It's such a hard situation. And I can't stop crying for her.

Oh DD, that's so sad.

Something similar happened to my friends last year. I found the SANDS website advice very useful. Also, I sent them a card which was just a plain card, not a sympathy one and wrote in it some nice memories of her pregnancy and how special their child was to everyone. My friend told me later that had meant a lot, to have their child acknowledged and celebrated. She didn't want being a Mum taken away from her by all the grief IYSWIM.

I also found it useful to send a text saying "shall I phone?", so I was available but not bothering them when they couldn't bear to talk to anyone.

It is a long road. Just being there and ready to listen is important. I got a rose bush for them a few weeks later, which they enjoy. We were out in the garden the other day looking at the roses and talking about the baby. Your friend will probably have her little one's foot and handprints and photos and I would recommend asking to look at them and being ready to coo over her daughter if she wants to share.

Keep on going round and offering support once the fuss has died down. People will gradually fade away and that is when it is hard I found. Life gets back to normal for everyone else but she will still be greiving.

I was confused when I lost my baby because I wwasn`t sure if I was a mum or not. Be careful with the name thing. I actually feel strange when people refer to my daughter using her name - I have no idea why though, just makes me whince every time. She might like it, but just test the water first.

I would say no to a film / food tbh. I couldn't understand how DP could stop thinking about our baby long enough to watch tv or read the paper. Def no plants / trees / anything that may die. Can buy cards from Sands or plain ones from normal shop with baby footprints on.

Do not attempt to say anything positive unless she suggests it e.g. 'at least you've still got each other'. Don't say anything that starts with 'at least'!

Go round, hug her, ask her qs about the birth, sit there in silence if necessary.

Put the date in your phone now so you will remember it with her in years to come.

It depends a lot how well you know her.
I knew someone who also lost a 41 week baby, but I didn't know her that well so I couldn't do much but send a card and always listen attentively whenever we bumped into each other and she touched up on the subject.
I suppose, imagine your places were reversed -- what would be an appropriate and comforting thing that she could do for you? See if you can do that.

Dewin that is so very sad.

WHen I mc at 20 weeks I was sent some flowers. I personally didn't like it at all, looking at the beautiful flowers remineded me of the horrible event that had taken place. I also can not stand it when someone mentions my baby to me by name, it feels so personal to me I don't like others to use it - seems really silly but still bothers me years later. Other people would not feel the same and may be very pleased. What's right for one person is not for another.

I think that letting your friend know you are there for her is very important. WHen you are together/speaking on the phone let her take the lead in your conversations.

Hi Dewin, I was overwhelmed when it happened to me. I got lots of flowers but I really appreciated a plant that was given to me that I didnt have to look after. One friend bought me lots of frozen yummy meals from COOK and biscuits which were really useful. I also winced on my son being named by other people and didn't (and still dont)don't believe I am a mum - but this is personal and we should play it by ear. My mind raced everytime someone gave me advise or mentioned that it happened to someone else etc. because I felt guilty and was looking for reasons(eventhough I wasnt to blame) so be careful with advise it sometimes makes your mind spiral. I am 3 months on and my best friends still check in with me every couple of days and that means the world Good luck kx