I hope I don't offend anyone here but sometimes I really wish I could change how I feel...On these boards there is so much focus on babies, getting pregnant and dealing the heartbreak of miscarriage and it becomes all encompassing, scary, full of angst and worry and heartache. Most recently it has all reared it's head with me again and I am back to hours spent trying to make decisions, reading all the star signs I can find, reading tarot cards everyday looking for the answer - on the one hand saying to myself at my age its hard, be happy and grateful for what I have etc etc. I AM happy with what I have and I am so grateful my daughter is healthy, happy and not lonely but for years there is allways a bloody niggle which keeps rearing its head with every hopeful pregnancy.
Outside of these boards I know some very different people and in a way I am envious of them. At least 4 of my friends have only one child and really don't want another, never have any yearnings or regrets. I also know many who have never wanted any and have chosen actively not to have them and again don't have any yearnings or regrets. I am not a big yearner, it doesn't consume me most of the time and I never chart or get obsessed about my period, I have allways taken the attitude of what will be will be and if it happens great but if not then that is also okay but it does keep coming back and I find myself allways scouring news stories and if I hear of someone having a baby in their forties I keep thinking oh there is still time and hope, I read through news stories and if there is a 5, 6, 7 year age gap (getting bigger as the years go on!) I think look see there is someone else with a big age gap. On the flip I also spend hours thinking actually what a huge upheaval a new baby would be, back to sleepless nights, back to childcare worries, loss of freedom that I have now. My life is so good at the moment, good job, we have much more spare money, my daughter has lots of friends and is allways at someones house or they are at ours, we are very social and we all up and go where we want whenever we want. Somebody said when I was recently pregnant "blimey she is mad" and another when I said I had miscarried "aren't you a bit relieved?" and I wonder...have I actually got this all wrong and am I yearning for the wrong reasons. Should I make decisive action and stop this now and just move on with a new phase in my life? I had decided to do exactly this when I hit 40 in March had said to myself enough is enough and then suddenly I found myself unexpectedly pregnant after two years, a miracle I thought but is it's God's way of confirming my decision to move on with my life or is it god's way of keeping me going? I really don't know....