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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Sorry can't pretend all is ok less than a week after MC

14 replies

ljg72 · 29/05/2010 18:17

I had a MC that started last Friday and basically ended yesterday.
I was only 6 weeks granted...but knew about pregnancy very early due to advanced tests you can buy.
The weekend it was happening doctors said no point scanning as too early, and they don't do weekends!!!.
So had to carry on with looking after everybody else...even doing bbq that was planned before, whilst bleeding so heavy.
Now less than a week later, I am losing patience with everybody around me.
I know it was early days, but I so wanted the baby, and have looked after myself, only drank the odd cup of tea!!!! ate and slept well, so feel so punished by the whole thing.

My DP keeps asking whats up!!!.

I swear I am not wallowing, and have tried to be strong and now just can't do it any more!!!

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kissmummy · 29/05/2010 18:24

i'm so sorry - it's just crap. i have found with my miscarriages that it's very up (well not really 'up', but 'okay') and down for several weeks afterwards. initially i'm sometimes not so down as it all seems a bit unreal. then it really kicks in. i remember with one miscarriage we went on holiday about three weeks afterwards and i cried every morning. was it your first loss? i don't have any advice except to do whatever it takes to get through one day at a time. if that means wine, extra chocolate, lovely treats, just go for it. it's a devastating experience. oh yes, and maybe don't make any big decisions (about anything really, but particularly about when to try again etc) at the moment as you won't be thinking particularly rationally. I told DH after my last miscarriage (my fourth) that i did not want to try again unless the could find a reason, but after a few months i had got stronger.

mumatron · 29/05/2010 18:45

there is nothing the matter with wallowing.

you have been through a shit time, if you cant feel a bit of self pity right now, when can you??

agree with you on the 'you cant possibly mc on a weekend' and god forbid you dare to lose your baby on a bank hols!

iirc i have mc'd over two bank hol weekend and have been left high and dry. shocking treatment.

and dont even get me started on dp. after my 4th mc he tried to tell me i could feel sorry for myself for one day, but then i should 'get over it'. lets just say if i didn't need a certain part of his body to get pg again he would of been getting a good hard kick.

take some time out, cry if you need to. or even get angry. mc is bloody unfair. just do wht feels right for you.

agree with kissmummy about the decision making. after my 3rd loss i really thought i couldn't do it all again. after a few days of letting it all sink in i knew i couldn't give up.

you sound like a very strong lady, dont let things get on top of you.

ljg72 · 29/05/2010 18:46

So sorry for your losses KISSMUMMY, and thank you for your advise, your message is so very sad, and I really feel for you...You are a very strong lady.
This was my second loss, the other was 11 years ago. I have 2 beautiful children who are 5 and 7 (I am blessed to have them, and love them very much, but am since in a new relationship, and we both wanted a child together)
You are so right when you say that it's very up and down!...went to IKEA before, and could have screamed at everybody!!! and usually I really am very calm, and patient!.
Have tried to carry on as normal, and thought I was ok...clearly I'm not! so think I need to avoid everybody for a little while, as I'm crap company at the moment.
Wine, and blue cheese for dinner me thinks!!!

Thank God for MN!!! ...thanks again KISSMUMMY XX

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ljg72 · 29/05/2010 18:55

MUMATRON, you have had a really bad time too!...the more I read on here the more heartbreaking it many people suffering with their individual losses.
Women just seem to be expected to "get on with it" well bollocks to that! it's just not fair.
Sorry getting a bit carried away (DP in shower so venting, before I rip his head off).
Don't really recognise myself at the moment, just hope it passes.

Thanks again XX

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twolittlemonkeys · 29/05/2010 19:03

ljg I sympathise. I started mcing over a weekend and had to wait until the following thursday (having ended up in A&E on the Wednesday) to get a scan. I was so upset and got wound up and angry over the slightest thing for about 10 days after, had no patience. In fact I still am having some outbursts but a bit less frequently.

Allow yourself time to grieve, tell your DH if he can't sympathise then to get out of the way! I've just had a really busy week which I find has taken my mind off my MC but not looking forward to half term as I don't have much planned and that's when I tend to get down. Be gentle to yourself, try to have some you time this weekend. That's what I plan to do tonight as soon as the boys are in bed. I know how you feel.

ljg72 · 29/05/2010 19:11

Sorry for your loss TWOLITTLEMONKEYS...the whole system of Mon-Fri scanning it so stupid!!! leaving women to suffer not knowing if they have lost their baby.
I was told to go home and put my feet up till the Monday!, just not a option with a 5 and 7 year old.
Thanks for the message...and hope you get some "YOU" time when your little monkeys have settled for the night...XX

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Velvetcu · 29/05/2010 20:11

Sorry for your loss ljg72

I found out about my MMC not last Weds but the one before. I felt guilty for having the week off work. My ERPC is on Thursday and the doctors have said that they will sign me off the week after too - do you know what, I might just take it.

Everyone on here is right - MC is shit, it's unfair and it's not talked about enough in public for people to understand how devastating it is. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling just do whatever is best for you.

Hopefully none of us will have to do this again but one thing to come out of this is that I now understand it so would be able to help any friends or family who find themselves in this awful situation.

Keep talking on here - it really does help.

ljg72 · 29/05/2010 21:12

VELVETCU are so right, and take the e xtra time if you can, as when you go back you will have to snap into it's all ok mode.

hugs xx

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KatyLiz · 30/05/2010 08:05

Sorry for your loss ljg72, its awful that it happens to so many of us.

I had a MC 5 weeks ago and I'm still finding it hard some days, although overall it is starting to get easier. My husband was sympathetic for 3 days, but to him that was the limit for being upset. He told me to pull myself together and get on with it. It seems to be that people don't want to talk about it, a MC is an inconvenience for everyone not going through it.

I understand the frustration you feel at having done everything right. I ate well etc, took care of myself so it does seem so unfair.

Take care of yourself, and don't feel bad when you have down moments.

MummyMcKT · 30/05/2010 11:10

Am so so sorry more of you find yourselves here.

I agree MC really does seem to be the elephant in the room. I find it difficult to share with others what we plan to do to remember our twins - it's as though we shouldn't be allowed to recognise they were with us.

It took three weeks of expectant management for my MMC of twins to MC which I thought did in its own way give me time to process what was happening. Now they're finally gone a week later it's all hitting me when I least expect it

I want my babies to be with us this christmas.

I'm positive about the future and hope there will be successful pregnancies in it for me (all of us) but they will never replace the ones we've lost.

I'm can't get my head round that I might never have twins - silly I know as I'd be lucky now to have one.

I know people who've lost babies much later in pregnancy and those who've said goodbye to their darling children - I feel lucky not to be going through that. For me that seems so much worse but then I get jealous and think at least they met them/held them etc (screwed up I know)

I've also been thinking about death - my parents have been so supportive during the last few weeks and I'm thinking about how awful it would be if they died almost daily

I guess it's just a shitty, tricky, testing time.

Hopefully I'll (we'll) look back on this in time and without knowing how will realise that we got through it.

I'm thinking of starting a thread here for those of us who were due in 2010. There are so many different threads on this topic and if I'm honest I'm finding it a bit much jumping around them all.

I don't think I'm reading for the ttc after mc one and the testing testing one seems quite established. It might be good to register when we were all due so we can continue to support each other......I don't know.

I'm also thinking I need to change my name - we'd named our bump "MiniMcKT(s)" hence my name but I'm not a Mummy in so many people's eyes until I've actually held my babies.

Have just re-read this - apologies it's so long. I also sound pretty depressed (which at the moment I don't think I am) I'm just missing being where I should be in life.

Much love to you all.

ljg72 · 30/05/2010 13:19

Just read your message...I am so sorry for your losses.
I agree with everything you are saying, and think you have expressed yourself in a very beautiful way...and made me realise it's ok to be sad, angry, depressed, and generally fed up with everything!!!.
Would love to come onto a new thread...sending hugs XX

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busymum05 · 31/05/2010 06:57

Hi LJG72,
i have read some of your other posts on other threads so think you know my story too, i had my MC last sun and your right its inconvieniant to MC on a weekend accordding to the NHS!!!!
Im getting the same as you, i went to a BBQ yesterday and was actualy told by BIL that its happened and to get over it!!!! bloody typical of a man to say it, i feel like screaming too, i would of been 9 weeks yesterday so that was upsetting too, if i need to cry then i will, women who MC are allowed to grieve it dosn't matter how many weeks you are or how many DCs you have.
Im going to ttc as soon as i stop bleeding and everyone thinks im mad as it will be our 5th but i don't care its what we need to do, it wont replace our baby we lost but will give us back our plans for a 5th child.
If you want to cry then cry if you want to scream then do it but don't feel like you can't be upset about your loss thats proberly the worse thing holding in the pain.

ljg72 · 31/05/2010 10:19

Hello Busymum05, your message totally mirrors my feelings and the lack of them from the people around me (us).
I think once you decide you want another child your mind gets set on it, granted I have two, and if you had asked me 12 months ago about having another I would have said NO!!...but things change, and so does your life.
I am glad you are moving forward, as I am trying too.
I don't want to replace the baby we lost, but we had just got used to the idea of having a baby at the end of the year...and my desire is even stronger now.
I love my children and my DP and just want us to have a child of our own together.
I have finally stopped bleeding, and hoping to TTC soon.
The hospital said it was best to wait till I get my first period, but I have also been told this is not for medical reasons, but for dating purposes?...I also read that you are more fertile after a complete MC, as your body is ready for a pregnancy.
Have you heard any of the above?? any advise would be great.
Best of luck to you , and I hope to hear from you soon XX

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busymum05 · 31/05/2010 14:08

Hi, yes i've heard all of the above from other posts, ive also been googling like mad and its true women who have had a MC are more fertile as the body is ready for pregnancy,this made me very excited as im jumping in as soon as bleeding stops,Health advisors do advise you wait till after 1 normal cycle but it is for dating purposes my opionion is well stuff them im sorry it may be inconvienient for them to date but they can date from early scans or even blood tests.
I know what you mean about the desire to be pregnant thats all i want too, i want my baby plans back,i feel like the last week has gone on forever..altho my bleeding isn't heavy its just constant and no sign of slowing down,think im just impaitent.
I would advice you to do what you feel is right for you, ive read so many women who have fallen straight after MC and had healthy babies at the end,this is why we are ttc asap.
Its an awful place to be right now but i have a feeling all will come good in the end.
Good luck to you let me know when you start tttc and il wish you all the luck in the world xx

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