Disappointed with family and friends

[Velvetcu]

I just need a rant so I thought I would put it here.

Firstly, DH is really doing his best and has been wonderful but he keeps asking me to tell him what I'm thinking which sends me into hysterical sobbing. If you don't mind I would like to take some of your comments and put them on a page for him to read because there are so many 1 liners from you that sum up what I feel.

Second, my friends and family are either
a) stupid
b) selfish
c) ignorant

I am most disappointed with my mum and nan (who raised me and my sister). I found out about MMC last Weds and on Thurs DH asked her to come and see me coz I was in a state. She borught my sister and her 4 week old baby. I pay my mum to clean my house and since last Thursday all I have heard from her is a text asking which day I want her to do this week! I replied saying don't bother I'm at home and she replied saying she didn't think I would be off work.

I never ask anyone for anything - thee is a history of mental health in my family so I have done my best not to be an emotional burden on anyone. This has apprently meant all my life that I am "the strong one" and it appears to me that they must all truly believe I am a robot and have no emotions.

As for friends - we only told 2 couples 1 of whom is 10 weeks pregnant. I have heard nothing from them (am guessing they dont want to upset me) and my best friend who has phoned once last Thursday. I guess I am a very good liar as she must believe I am truly fine.

Sorry it's so long. I could go on but I will leave it there for now.

You guys are all I have so thank you sooooo much for being here

Ooh, that sucks! I'm very sorry for your loss, I know my darling SIL was devastated when she miscarried and it took her a while to come to terms with it. Stay on here and you'll get lots of lovely support, who needs RL anyway?

I would say in a tiny bit of defense, I left calling my SIL for a while as I knew my Pil's and hers were there a lot and phoning. When I called a week had passed without me realising, time will be moving a lot more slowly as you process the chamges to your world than it will in everyone elses. You will probably be in your friends thoughts alot, and the one who is pregnant will probably feeling very guilty at the moment for still being so. I fully expected my SIL to HATE me for having three children when her first had been taken away from her.

I hope some of this makes sense, take care of yourself .

Oh love sorry they're all being so rubbish, people sometimes just don't have a clue I think unless they've been there or had a worrying time of it themselves.

So sorry Velvet, sounds like they are being a bit shit really.

I would definitely say for me the only ones who have given appropriate support are those who have been through it (or their partners have). Other friends have just offered platitudes that are meant well but feel hurtful (e.g. "you're young, you can try again" - that one still sticks in the back of my throat!!).

MN gave me the best support, again, because you guys know what it's like.

Feel free to rant away here, sorry it is all so pants.

So sorry you have gone through the pain of a MMC, Velvet, and sorry your family are not being as supportive as they should.

I experienced similar after my MMC.
The day I had the scan, I text mum to tell her the bad news & got a message back saying she was sorry to hear that, but she didn't come round for ages as she was out to lunch. That was fine as I had DP with me, but when she did come round, she said "it wasn't meant to be & we would have a baby at some point & try to plan the next one!" (pregnancy was unplanned but very wanted)

That night I stayed at mum's house as DP had to get to work, and I spoke to my sister on the phone about it all for around half an hour, which mum got into a mood about because she felt she had to put my boys to bed.
Then my friend popped round to see me, she told the friend I didn't deserve a drink as I had been talking to my sister for ages, then later text my sister to tell her I was going through the whole thing again, like I was getting boring now!!

Like you, I found the best support came from my DP (who was my absolute rock through it all) & friends who had been through it, who were less likely to come out with "it wasn't meant to be", or "next time will be fine", or "well you wouldn't have wanted a handicapped child would you?!" lines.
The support I have got from this board has also really helped me, as we are all in the same horrible boat.

Just wanted to let you know you were not alone with the less than supportive family members!

Feel free to rant away on here. We are all here to listen.

So sorry to hear what you are going through Velvet. You sound like a very selfless person and I'm sure allot of us on here could do with having you as a friend.

It sounds like you have a wonderful DH who is trying his best.

Having gone through 3 M/C's and alot of other awful stuff over the years I truly belive an MC is one of the worst things a woman can go through.
You have lots of support on here. This site has helped me so much and I hope it does for you too.

oh velvet I'm sorry you are feeling so rubbish. I have been quite grateful for my family for physically staying away. I have texts from my mum most days asking how i am, and as we are in the midst of another family crisis ( my nan is in hospital and has just been diagnosed with cancer..but thats a whole other thread) I have had alot of contact with my bro and 2 sisters. My friends that know have all made it very clear that they will be there if I ask, and will stay away if i need that too.

Do you think they just don't know what to say? Do you think they are waiting for you to let them know how you are feeling? I had a couple of friends round on monday after my erpc, just for a cuppa tea and although i was very emotional it felt a little easier talking about it a little bit, but we also waffled about everything happening with their lives too.

Its such an awful thing to go through and deal with. Come back on here and rant all you need, it will defo help rather than bottling it all up xx

My MIL's actually been brilliant for us during this - but then she's been through it herself. No platitudes, no pat replies and not really being suffocatingly close - just the honesty of "yes I went through it, I still think about them now, they'd be X years old but it does get easier" rather than the usual pat phrases people trott out that make you just want to scream.

Haven't even told my mother because it would end up with me crying and her shouting at me that "you always get hysterical now go play more man-woman mind games with your husband".

hi, i know how you feel. it can be an incredibly isolating experience. the truth is that people don't understand unless they've been through it. a fair few people have been through one or two miscarriages, but if you have multiple miscarriages like me, you begin to run out of people who know truly dreadful it is...it's hard not to resent friends and family for not being more supportive but they truly have no idea.

Hello velvet, so sorry for you. I've noticed some of my friends are either avoiding me or the whole issue.

My 'dh' hasn't been too helpful either. When my family came round he'd grumble that other people were 'sticking their noses in our problems' (kind of explained why I haven't seen his mum or sister). He's upset that I don't talk to him when he can't understand why i'm not over this. Also, yesterday he found out that i've been on these forums (not that i've hidden it) and totally over-reacted, saying that all i'm doing is dragging up bad memories, etc. Tried to explain that this helps me a lot more than sitting in support groups (i'm not a group type of person). The best person helping me has been my nan, she has been through the same thing- i'd never known that she'd lost a girl, and she told me that she'd never really got over it either.
Sorry this turned into a bit of a personal rant.
What I wanted to say was that people who haven't been through this experience (and sadly, it includes OHs) don't really understand and say stupid stuff they think will help but doesn't. You have to find the one's who've been through it and learn from them, put up with the occasional bad days and the good ones and try and get through to a place where it doesn't hurt all the time.
Hope i've made sense, it's a bit too warm today and i've had a bad day myself.

Hi,
Sorry to hear about your experiences and hope you are finding support here.
My parents acted like I should bounce back immediately too - it was awful and I felt like I had to appease them and pretend to feel ok and that my emotions didn't mean anything - very bad idea.
I also had one of my partner's friend's wives, who had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and who we tried to be really sensitive about tell me that at least I knew I could get pregnant and that basically it was far worse emotionally for her than it was for me as I already had a child.
I appear to have started a personal rant too, I guess basically nobody knows the right thing to say, so the important thing is that you take care of yourself and how you are feeling, and ask for help if you need it, or time.
Take care x