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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Feeling Jealous of Pregnant People

18 replies

tattyteddy · 19/05/2010 13:23

I feel really bad but I feel very jealous and bitter towards pregnant people. I had and MMC on the 23rd April and resent the fact other people have have easy pregancies without any problems.

Am I awful for feeling like this, have others felt the same? also how can you stop feeling like this?

xxx

OP posts:

Aitch · 19/05/2010 13:27

oh love, there's nothing you can do, it's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do and tbh after i lost pregnancies i felt like i was being stalked by people with big bumps.
it all just takes time, and then the next thing you know you're pg again and back on the whole treadmill of 'is everything okay?' again. it probably will be, of course, but that doesn't help you now. go gently on yourself, don't expect too much, you're in pain and grieving.

Lubyloo · 19/05/2010 13:32

Don't feel bad. It is perfectly normal for you to feel like this. It will take time for these feelings to pass.

I remember when I had my first miscarriage the consultant said to me not to be afraid if I had very dark thoughts and it was normal. I think that was one of the most useful pieces of advice I had. He was right. I found some of my thoughts awful and felt evil for thinking them but they will pass and you will start to feel more like yourself again. Take care.

tinywelsh · 19/05/2010 14:05

It is totally normal and acceptable.

I'm in pretty much exactly the same boat (I lost my DS on 28/04) an regularly want to shout at pregnant people/ throw something at them/ steal the children of people swearing at their kids.

You've got to get through the pain your own way. For me, i'm acknowledgeing i don't really hate pregnant people, they're just a smug reminder of what i'm missing and it's nice to turn the grief into violent rage angry outburst healthy anger for a while.

KaraThrace · 19/05/2010 14:21

I am sorry for your loss, I feel the same why. I had a mc in December. I dread friends telling me they are pregnant, 2 have in a week. I have cried in private but been smiley in public. I think that should be most of my friends now announcing their 2nd pregnancies so just need to get through due date and I hope to feel better.
I think it is perfectly normal to feel as we are and hopefully time will heal.
Take care x

nomorewine · 19/05/2010 16:10

It is perfectly normal to feel like this. I found out I had had a MMC at the end of March, and can't bear seeing a facebook friend's status updates of hearing her baby's heartbeat, deciding whether she should find out the sex etc. I am not going to her wedding reception on Sat because I just can't face seeing her bump (I would have been a few weeks behind her) & talking baby talk. Now that sounds really bad doesn't it? I know it will upset me though.
Hopefully these feelings will ease with time.

meatntattypie · 19/05/2010 16:14

ahhh its crap isnt it and they are everywhere, every where you look you see them big healthy bellies.

sigh. It will be you one day dont worry.

ClaireDeLoon · 19/05/2010 16:35

What you're feeling is perfectly normal, I feel this way and I know it's not pretty but I just can't help it, I just feel this way.

You aren't awful for feeling this way, really, you're just reacting to a horrible experience.

sakura28 · 19/05/2010 17:52

Thought I would just add my 2p's worth, after 4 mc's I am also feeling incredibly resentful and jealous of pregnant women/women with babies.
Also finding myself being very judgemental eg 'she's already got x number of kids/she isn't paying her baby enough attention' etc etc.
Oh god I feel very admitting this, am most definatly not a judgmental person generally, I don't even have any children so who am I to be judgiong other mums?!
But can't help it.
So no, you're not on your own, and the feelings are normal. If it helps, maybe you could ask your doc to refer you for some counselling. Might help, might not but could be worth a go?

Hugs xx

sakura28 · 19/05/2010 17:53

ahem 'judging'

Original poster

tattyteddy · 19/05/2010 19:07

Thanks ladies I'm glad im not the only one feeling like this, i dont think I could have coped without this forum over the last month! There is so a guy in my office whos wife is pregnant and I just cant stop feeling annoyed with him, totally irrational I know - i just feel that he just sails through life when we all have to go through all this cr*p!

Also saw this very pregnant women standing outside Mothercare in Newcastle smoking the other day! i just thought how unfair it all is when I did everything i was supposed to and still had a MC!

I really hope you all get lucky soon xxxxxxxx

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 19/05/2010 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jellybeans · 19/05/2010 19:57

Hi yes I understand. I have 5 DC and on the outside (to someone who doesn't know my past) may look like I had an easy time having several children but I had a hard time having them and lost 4 babies; 2 in the first 3 months and 2 baby girls at 20 and 23 weeks. It was hideous and the following pregnancies were high risk with a real risk of further early and late losses and in/out hospital with bleeding/false alarms.

I so resented those people who seemed to be pregnant and guareenteed a good outcome. I really resented those people who had the exact number of babies they wanted but never had any losses etc and especially if they had never been through anything hard in life in other ways. From talking to others in our situation, this is pretty normal. I could not face pregnant women for a long time afterwards, they seemed everywhere and a constant reminder of my misfortune. I had friends due at the same time and even now it can be hard to think that my DD should be here like theirs.

Time does help alot as did having a successful pregnancy after each of my losses. I am pretty much fine with pregnant women now although get the odd pang and often think other people are abit naive to assume they will get a baby at the end as to me pregnancy means heartache too.

katycarr · 19/05/2010 20:00

We have had 2 miscarriages this year and I am finding it so hard to be near pregant people which is very hard as so many women are pregnant.

I think it is rather natural to feel that way

ClaireDeLoon · 19/05/2010 20:04

I think that about people who are pregnant and seem to just expect it will all go OK too jellybeans. To me pregnancy equals anxiety and I wish I could be pregnant carefree and happy. Miscarriage takes that from you.

emptyshell · 20/05/2010 14:47

I ran out of a shop today because there was a baby in there. Pregnant friend sent me a "comforting" text about the miscarriage - saying how she'd got her miracle and I would too... am I a hideous person that I just wanted to punch her for that?

Firefox, adblock plus, and liberally filtering any baby photos - makes things online a lot more bearable. Any Facebook friend who is baby obsessed, has scan or baby photos as their profile pic or posts them gets hidden on the spot. It may be angry, vitriolic, hysterical, jealous (all of these I've been called) - but I don't care - if they want to judge me - I hope one day they go through a tiny amount of what I'm dealing with.

tinywelsh · 20/05/2010 16:15

I've just been informed through facebook that another of my friends is pregnant (that makes 4) and I'm seriously considering cancelling my account!

The other thing that annoys me is one of these pg friends keeps putting the 'please put this as your staus if you've suffered a mc or know somone who has, blah, blah, blah' as her status, which seriously pisses me off. She's never had a mc. Why do they think this helps? It just brings up memories for me, who would put that as their status if they've recently suffered an mc?

sorry, just a little rant.

emptyshell · 20/05/2010 16:49

Worst facebook status I ever saw (and the response to it when I requested a little sensitivity and thought for others was enough for me to end a childhood friendship over) was about how worthy everyone who was a mum was, how the rest of the world should worship them and throw flowers at their feet, and how their little family was the happiest most precious unit alive.

I was passing the 2.5 year mark of TTC, was about to marry into a relationship we're doubtful will ever produce children and it was like a knife to my heart. I asked for a little consideration to those who couldn't walk in those footsteps... got told where to go basically.

If you're ever feeling particularly vitriolic about the facebook e-bragging contest (and that's all it is - if their lives were THAT fabulous they'd be out living them, not parading them in front of a virtual cheerleading squad) - just google up "STFU parents" and laugh at the oversharing mummyjacking FB comments on there - and realize it's not just you who gets hurt and sick of this stuff.

Original poster

tattyteddy · 20/05/2010 17:08

I know what you mean about facebook, I ended up deleting my account. I'm glad knowing that other people have similar feelings to me! A big hug to everyone xx

OP posts:

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