"The afternoon, it feels about right...."

[MummyMcKT]

I'm new to MN and have toyed with posting for weeks as I've been reading and feeling supported by other threads that have answered my many queries. This thread "subject" is a quote from a song that I'm finding extremely comforting at the moment. This feels very self indulgent but I'd like to share our story...

My DP and I were delighted to find out we were pregnant at the end of March. Being an older sister of one with two gorgeous children(my beautiful niece and my amazing nephew) I'd secretly hoped for twins (something different!). We had booked in with our m/w etc and were due to have our nhs scan on 21/5. We decided last week that technology being what it is we'd go for a private scan - don't know if that was now a mistake or will prove to be a blessing in disguise. We ARE having twins but although both should have been 10wks+ neither have a foetal heartbeat and stopped growing at around 8wks.

We went for a follow up scan yesterday which confirmed this. I found this quite comforting - we got to see them again and could see for ourselves that things remained as they were. What happens next is I think a deeply personal decision but one which my amazing friends who've been through similar and my reading here on MN has made me reach. We have decided that although we are full of hope for the future we don't know at this point in time if we'll ever get further with our dream of having children. I want to acknowledge that our little stars existed - even for the briefest of times. We are lucky that our local funeral directors do offer to follow the wishes of parents wishing to say goodbye to their precious ones so we're hoping they will come when they're ready and then we'll take them and say goodbye - just ourselves - in the way that I have done to those I've ever loved dearly. It feels right to me.

I'm writing this ony to tell my story not to make judgements on others who may have done different. I have a back up plan if they decide they don't want to leave (in my head I feel it's right to give them till the day we would have seen them had we not gone private) but for now we wait......

They would've been identical. They were due to brighten our lives on their Daddy's bday (although we're sure they would've been early). I feel sure they're causing mayhem somewhere I've yet to go. I'm willing my body to let them go.....

oh mummymckt, im so so so sorry for your loss and have tears reading your thread.

I think that what you are doing is beautiful i really do.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi mummymckt,

I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your beautiful twins. I've also lost a pregnancy very recently so just thought I'd pop past and lend my support.

Thinking of you,
Sx

Hi there

That is very sad. I too have recently had this silent miscarriage I think it is sometimes called. My body refused to let go but then, right on my 12 week date, I misscarried at home.

Perhaps you've already read others experiences of a natural miscarriage but for me it was tough. Sorry.

I hope you can look towards a brighter future.

Thank you so much for all your messages of support - the kindness of "strangers" is really amazing although it's clear there's a common bond from those of us who find ourselves here.

I too am thinking of those of you who have gone through similar things. Even going through this now it's hard to know what to say to you all but my friend sent me this poem which was given to her after her three year old nephew lost his brave fight for life....

"The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn't bloom, or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon. But every life that ever forms or ever comes to be, touches the world in some small way for all eternity"

Who knows if what we're hoping will happen will work out but I think taking one day at a time is right for us at the moment.

Sending you all much love X x x

Lovely poem mummyMCKT, just to let you know I'm still thinking of you. I hope things work out and you get to say goodbye as you'd planned,

Sx

Week-end seems to have dragged on It's been remarkably sunny outside but haven't ventured far - every time we do it feels like things are finally happening but then nothing.

Am back at hospital tomorrow - will discuss all options again with them. We have made all the arrangements here so we can recognise and remember our twins when they come but time seems to be doing it's own thing - flies by one minute (can't believe it's been nearly two weeks since our world crashed in) and drags pitifully slowly the next.

Am heading out with DP to return some maternity clothes - perhaps being an hour away from home will make the twins think it's time!

Staying positive by hoping by summer the physical stuff will be over.

Thinking of all of you who share.

MummyMcKT I'm thinking of you. I had a miscarriage recently and that was hard enough, it must be so difficult for you. I hope it happens soon and you get to follow your plans x