Just checked in on October thread, which was a silly thing to have done

[nomorewine]

Been feeling a lot stronger & clicked on the October thread that I used to post on before finding out about my MMC. Thought I would take a look how they were all getting on, thought I was strong enough now, but on reading how 2 of them have had their 20 week scans & found out the sex of their babies, I now feel really low again. I shouldn't have clicked on that thread. I feel so awful for feeling low at others happiness. I am of course pleased for them, but the "I should be at this stage" type thoughts keep popping up & bringing me down. When is this going to get easier?

I'm sorry nomorewine, I know what you mean as I keep seeing the May thread popping up on most active and I guess they're nearly there now. I'm pregnant again (early) and it still feels difficult sometimes.

I can't say when it will get easier for you, but it will.

Hang in there x

I thought i was coping with my mmc (end of jan at 10wks) yes it has been hard but this past month has been really really hard for me, broke down in tears yesterday because a friend at work showed a 3d scan of her expected boy (there would have been only 7 wks diff between us)and it all just came out. been very very low. i know about the 'this should be happening now/i should be at this stage' thoughts too and i know we shouldnt do it to ourselves but you just cant help it. i guess its hard to know when this is going to get any easier i just wish it would. take care x

I have to keep the August threads hidden all the time. I don't know when it gets easier I'm afraid - for me I think it will only be when I am pg again. or maybe past 12 weeks.

Sorry no help I know. I'm really sorry about your mc.

I keep the pregnancy and ante-natal boards hidden, it's just too painful to see 'your month' pop up in active convos.

Your thoughts are very normal nomorewine and I found it does get easier. Just a few weeks ago I thought to myself 'I should be organising a two year olds birthday party' but that thought didn't hurt like it used to. The bitterness about my loss has gone, but with us remaining childless the unfairness of that does hurt still.

But I'm very sorry for the pain that you and others are going through now.

It has been a month now & I have had my first period since having my ERPC, which I was pleased about, as I just wanted to get back to normal again. Thought I was doing so much better after dipping quite badly a couple of weeks back, but seeing that thread & reading about what should be happening now has really knocked me back again.

I have been invited to a wedding reception party at the end of the month, but because the girl is 5 months pregnant, I really don't think I can face the party. That sounds awful doesn't it? I can't do it though, I can't admire her bump & talk pregnancy talk, so I am going to say I can't make it. I am not strong enough for that just yet.

Hi nomorewine, sorry you are having a hard time. It really hasn't been that long since you lost your baby and you are bound to have good days and bad days. Seeing the thread and being reminded about what you have lost will have been agonizing for you- but don't beat yourself up for looking. You are bereaved and grieving and when people are going through that they do all kinds of seemingly irrational things. It's just part of the process. I think that making the decision to not go to the wedding reception is a really healthy one. You just do not need that right now, you are far too vulnerable and you have to take care of yourself first. I am saying all this as someone who is roughly at the same point time-wise as you I think. I lost my baby six weeks ago and have also had a period since so physically all is back to normal. But I just cannot bear to see pregnant women, I feel this horrible, jealous hate towards anyone who is pregnant and happy right now. Thank god no-one I know well is pregnant right now, but I know of people who are expecting and of course the magazines are full of smiling celebrities and their babies/ bumps. It makes me feel like a monster for feeling these awful things (and I hope I haven't upset anyone who is pregnant and reading this), but I know that it is just part of the process. What I really want is my baby back.
Keep taking care of yourself and chatting on here as much as you need. I am sure that whatever you are feeling, on here at least it will be understood, even if it seems like noone in RL understands.

nomorewine feel for you, feel for me and feel for everyone who has gone/going through it. We were on the same antenatal thread. I have tried to not look at how they are all doing, but I find myself there 'lurking' at least once a day.

When I had my mmc (15 weeks) last year, it took me just over 3 months to be able to discuss what had happened without breaking down. How you feel right now, doesn't go 'away' it stays with you, but you 'adjust' to coping with it - if that makes sense.

I really, really feel for you. You will probably look again and again at the thread, but the need to, will disappear. Everything you are doing and feeling is all so, so normal.

Since I lost my little boy last thursday, I have become anxious about leaving the house and won't leave it unless I am with DP. I can't bear to face the other mummys at school etc. I get chest pains and shake, I keep saying to myself 'that i'm being stupid for feeling like this, i am stronger than that'. But I have confided in the bereavement counsellor and she said that everything I am feeling is not stupid its normal.

After the mmc last year, I felt I couldn't get pregnant again, didn't want to go through the hurt, pain and devastation. It took me a year. This time round I feel I need to be pregnant straight away, our arms have been left empty twice now

Why shouldn't you feel low at others happiness when you have been stripped of your happiness - this is normal. You musn't be so hard on yourself.

I am sorry if this message seems garbled, i'm a mess and can't get words out properly.

Keep posting xxx

Oh, MummyWilliams, I feel so sad for you. So cruel that you have had to go through it again, and so far into the pregnancy. I feel pretty pathetic for moaning on after all you have been through. So so sorry you are going through this. x

Dorcas, thinking of you too. I empathise totally with everything you are saying. x

nomorewine please don't feel like that. The way I see it is, that a loss is a loss. Its a life that was planned for. All the hopes & dreams have been taken away.

I hope that what I have posted to you here, will have been of some help - in that everything you feel is normal and don't be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

xxx

Thank you, MummyWilliams - you certainly have helped. How are you feeling today?

You are right about the hopes & dreams being taken away. It was going to be my first child with my lovely DP, and the baby was due on his 40th birthday. All seemed so right at the time, and now I am worried that I will spoil his big day by being down.

Interesting what you said about how you feel about conceiving again, in that you needed time to get over it the first time & now you feel you need to be pregnant straight away.
I feel both of those feelings quite strongly atm. One part of me desperately wants to be pregnant again, and the other part of me is petrified of being pregnant due to the fear of going through all this again. I think I should wait until I am feeling much stronger.

Don't know what I would have done without MN over the last month. It really does help to talk to others that have been through the same & really understand how you are feeling.