poem that sums up how i feel and brought me some comfort

[Jakey87]

i have been tryng to think of a way to remember my lost baby, because i never found out if was a boy or girl (too early) i couldnt even give it a name, baby was dubbed 'jelly bean' from early scan picture.
i recently found out that the hospital arrange a service for a communal cremation of all pregnancy loses before 20 weeks and i feel i just cant attend as it would be too tough going alone and no one else understands how i feel so i cant expect them to grieve for someone they never met. my family and i are still mournig the loss of my younger brother in january this year and i dont feel i could ask them to attend the same church so soon. iv considered planting a tree or somthing similar. i am also going to make a memory box with my one and only scan picture and my posative pregnancy tests and fill it with poems, just my way of saying my little one lived inside me and did definatly live even if no one else noticed.

here is a poem that i found on another site which realy sums up how i feel and brought me a little comfort. it will be the first poem added to 'jelly beans' memory box. i hope it can help bring the tinies bit of comfort to others.

MY PRECIOUS TINY SWEET LITTLE ONE
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE TO ME
SO PERFECT, PURE AND INNOCENT
JUST AS YOU WERE MEANT TO BE
I DREAMED OF YOU AND YOUR LIFE
AND ALL THAT IT WOULD BE
I WAITED AND LONGED FOR YOU
TO JOIN OUR FAMILY
WE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO LAY
TO LAUGH, TO ROCK, TO WIGGLE
I LONG TO TOUCH YOU, HOLD YOU NOW
TO LISTEN TO YOUR GIGGLE
I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MAMMY
HE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR DAD
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE OUR CHILD
THE BABY THAT WE HAD
YOU ARE GONE YET YOU ARE HERE
I SENCE YOU EVERYWHERE
YOU ARE MY SORROW AND MY JOY
THERE IS LOVE IN EVERY TEAR
JUST KNOW MY LOVE IS STRONG AND DEEP
I WILL FORGET YOU NEVER
THE CHILD WE HAD BUT NEVER HAD
AND YET WILL HAVE FOREVER.

Oh Jakey that is beautiful.
I am so sorry about the loss of your Jelly bean.
Your memory box sounds like a lovely idea.

I am sorry to read of the recent loss of your Brother too.

Please don't go this alone, are you able to tell your family how you feel, they may not feel as strongly about your bean as you understandably do, but they will care about you.

Go easy on yourself, MN is a great place for support and ranting, especially when you feel low.

Whenever you're ready I found this thread a real lifeline after my MC's we have all been where your are now and welcome all.

You don't have to be trying,just lurk for a bit if you don't want to jump in just yet xxxx

pretty thanks for your message hun, the link you sent wont open, im not gona try any time soon (too raw) and split up with partner through all of this too so its kinda impossable atm to even think about another baby. could you write the link out fully? so i can write it down and have a look then save it for if there is ever a next time.
thanks hun x

It should have worked?
Sorry Chick, try again?

If that doesn't work it's called:
Just MC and ready to try again?
Pack your cake,wine etc.

We are on the Conception boards.

I'm really sorry for rolling out such a cliche but time is a great healer.
It does get easier I promise.

Don't mean to sound creepy but I'm always around somewhere, always on above thread, I've had 6 MC and if you ever want a shoulder, mine are pretty big.
xxx

And unless you're in Australia or somewhere, get some sleep.
2.14 am

Jakey

I am really sorry for your loss. I thnk the tree idea is a good one

My first little boy was stillborn 6 years ago. We planted an apple blossom tree that blossoms every year round about his birthday...I love it ... makes me think of him blooming in heaven.

I have a memory box ... the only down side I would say is that every time I look at it I get angry cos I have virtually nothing left of him

Your poem is beautiful .. hope you dont mind but I am going to post it on the bereaved mummies thread

THE CHILD WE HAD BUT NEVER HAD AND YET WILL HAVE FOREVER

This is absolutely spot on.

Thank you for posting.

dont mind at all fraisersmummy but i cant take the glory for the words they were on another site listed as auther unknown.
i just know they brought me slight comfort when i was having a total melt down if they can help other people at such a sad time then by all means pass it on. i did feel a bit weird about posting it on here for fear of upsetting folks but thought the posatives of it outweighed at the time. tc x

Jakey I'm so sorry for your loss, and thank you for posting that poem, it is beautiful. We lost our fourth little one two weeks ago at 15 weeks, and I feel like I've gone numb. Reading that made the tears flow - it is exactly how I feel under all that numbness and it must be a good thing to let it come out.

I lost my mum in January too, and it's just all too much to cope with really isn't it. I feel the same about the service - our family just can't deal with anything else at the moment. Our little one is to be buried in what's called a Star Garden, and will have a little star with the date he arrived to mark the spot. Planting a tree is a lovely idea - whatever helps you to remember, and the memory box is a good idea too. I have one for our other lost little ones, and shall be adding scan pictures and footprints to it for when we're strong enough to look.

Am sending you lots of strength to get through this. Believe it or not, it will get easier with time - just give yourself lots of it xxx

thanks monkey, i think the star garden is a lovely idea, at least then u have somewhere to go when remembering you little one/s, this is what i am realy struggling with, not having anywhere to go to lay flowers or just think, i wish i had had the option of burial now but it was too early in the pregnancy and i probably still wouldnt have coped with the service.
people tell me to go to the beach or flower gardens but knowing my little "jelly bean" isnt there just some how wont feel right.
so sorry to hear the loss of you mum and four angels, you must be a realy strong woman to cope with so much and i admire you for that, you prove that no matter how hard life is you have to somehow learn to cope with it.
thank you all for your kind words, t.c x

I always feel that wherever I go my lost little ones are somehow with me. The others we lost were earlier than this last one, and so like you we don't have anywhere to go to grieve for them. It's so difficult, because nothing you do really is going to make it feel any better at the moment.
The only other thing I did that I haven't mentioned is I bought myself a necklace with our little ones birth stones on it. It helps me to feel closer to them when I wear it, or even just look at it in their memory box. I can always post the link to the site if you'd like? It's specifically for jewellery to remember lost ones...
I think we do somehow learn to cope as you said, no matter how much we think we're not in the meantime

PS Where are you by the way? Am presuming somewhere far away as you seem to post at night? I'm in Belgium...

PPS I'm not particularly religious, but this poem helps me think that perhaps the future will be brighter...

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me
I cannot choose the colours
He worketh steadily
Of times He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside
Not 'til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skilful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

Hope you like it x

monkey thank you for posting the poem, im not realy religious but i do like it and i suppose in some ways it makes sence.

i would realy appreciate it if u could post the link for the birthstone jewelry, i think its a lovely idea.

PS im in blyth, near newcastle. i post late at night or in the early hours as im not sleeping atm, lucky if i can grab 4 hours at the most. being on here and seeing that life realy dose move on and being able to say how i feel and get responces from people who understand is a big help.

take care hun x

Am with you on the not sleeping front Jakey - it's awful isn't it.

Here's the link to the website - I got the forget-me-not heart pendant with birthstones for the EDD's attached. I really hope it helps.

Am so glad you're finding some support on MN, it has helped me through my darkest hours, and I have made some wonderful friends.
You take care too, and if you need a shoulder then mine's always available xxx

hi hun thanks for reply my comp is playing up, wont let me open links, could you type out the web address please. thanks hun x

Sure - it's www.labelledame.com
Hope your computer is sorted soon! xxx

Thank you for posting this site monkey

Pleasure mermaid ((((((((hugs))))))))

Thanks for posting the poem Jakey87. It brings tears to my eyes. I think of and miss our bean every day. It's hard to know how to handle my feelings. Sometimes I pretend like the pregnancy never happened and then other times I avoid pregnant women and babies, and well-up when I see maternity clothes sections. I don't want to seem like I'm dwelling on it, but need to process my feelings and the poem helps. x

LAFF77
i understand your feelings fully, i also still go through the welling up when i see maternity clothes and baby items in the shops, although i dont get upset when i see pregnant women or babies anymore i just think i wish they knew how blessed they are when people like us are going through hell.
i also had people avoiding me with their babies in prams and ended up exploding in the middle of town saying i didnt want their baby i wanted my own and they wernt going to catch some kind of disease from me if i went near their baby etc .
i realy did find the poems helped me get through the first 2 weeks after loosing my little jelly bean and still do bring a small comfort, i have been putting them in a little memory box i made. i have lots more that i could send to you if you feel it would help. take care hun x

Yes, I'd love to have them. I think that the poem has helped me a lot just to see it and acknowledge our loss. I'm going to see my neighbour today who is pregnant who I've been sort of avoiding for the last few weeks. Believe me, I'm happy for her, but it makes me sad and reminding me that I'm missing something that I can't get back.

Every day, there is a longing inside that is difficult to talk about. Many people can't understand. "You can try again", they say. The love is still there for my lost bean and it still brings tears to my eyes to read the poem again today.

I'm glad for this discussion board because it helps to be in contact with people who feel like you.

I'm sorry that people avoided you, Jakey. That is really terrible and makes it even worse. I hope that your body, mind, and soul are on the mend. x

LAF77,

i totaly understand how you feel, i hope things went as well as can be expected with your neighbour today.

i also know how you feel with the love for your little bean still being there, i dont think the love for our lost little ones will ever go away, i realy dont want it to, my little jelly bean will alway be part of me, he/she will live on in my heart forever and i console myself that my he/she was to good for this earth even though i wish with all my heart i was still pregnant and would have a healthy baby in september.

here is another poem but can you send an email address on here or email me at [email protected] for the rest please as there are quite alot and i dont want to risk upsetting others on here by posting loads of poems one after the other incase its too much to cope with all at once.
take care hun x

The world may never notice
if a snow drop dose not bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms
or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
for all eternity.
The little one i longed for
was swiftly here and gone,
but the love that was then planted
is a light that still shines on.
And though my arms are empty
my heart knows just what to do,
Every beat of my heart says
I love you.

For only a short time I got to hold you
It hurts so much i?ll never know you

You were a flutter in my tummy
I?ll never hear you call me Mummy

I?ll never know your favourite colour
Or teach you one foot from the other

I?ll never teach you right from wrong
or sing together our favourite song

Never hold your hand
Or build castles in the sand

Never plait your hair
I hope you know how much we care

You we?re wanted so much in our lives
But no sooner as we said hello
We had to say goodbye

Our special little girl
So briefly in our world
Love and cherish you forever
Forget you never.

I planted a rose in my garden to remember the baby I lost. It was called new dawn

Oh my word, tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type.
Today my first pregnancy ended in an ERPC (we found out yesterday that baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and yesterday would've been 10+6).

These poems are beautiful and verbalise everything I'm feeling right now. Thank you all x