Rather confusing emotions about trying again

[fufulina]

I was pregnant with twins (identical, complete surprise), and we found out at 20 weeks that our smallest twin had died, which left our bigger girl severely brain damaged, which was confirmed at 22 weeks. We decided to end the pregnancy and I was induced on Friday last week, and delivered the babies in the early hours of Saturday morning.

It's been such an emotional three months - when we found out at 12 weeks that we were expecting twins, there was already a huge size discrepancy with them, and we were told right from the word go that it was a very high risk pregnancy and the prognosis was bad for both babies.

But now that I've started to come to terms with losing them both, my first instinct is to try and get pregnant again as soon as possible. But I'm now completely terrified about everything that can go wrong and miscarrying, or losing another baby, or the birth going hideously wrong. I'm in awe that any baby is ever born at term and healthy (despite the fact I have a 16 month old DD!). I'm not sure I can ever face the uncertainty again - but on the other hand am desperate for another baby.

This all sounds rather convoluted, but I think I'm just asking if these are normal emotions, and if anyone ever felt like that and then got over the fear and went for another baby after losing one?

You are grieving and need to accept that. I am so sorry for your loss. Being terrified is only natural as you have just been the most horrendous experience. For me, trying for DD2 has the most scary thing I did and I had much less complex background than you. I would give yourself a few months to physically and emotionally recover from what you have been through. You will feel the fear and do it anyway.

Thank you for responding MNITA - I think the issue I have is that I seriously cannot face the fear. I'm feeling low-level fear now, as I'm typing this, and there's no danger of getting pregnant for a couple of weeks, minimum! I don't see how I'll ever get past this fear.

Have you had your DD2? If so - many congratulations. That gives me hope.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your girls.

I think the feelings you have are totally normal, and very common when you have lost a baby or babies.

I had a fab book called Trying Again which really helped me with coping tactics to get through, and made me feel that my feelings were normal - even when others tried to tell me just to relax and not worry

Oh LunaticFringe - I am so sorry for your loss. I now have a small window into what you must have gone through and still be going through.

I think that's another element of what is so upsetting - never again will I sail through pregnancy just expecting a healthy baby at the end of it as I did with DD (and was blithely unaware how lucky I was!). I will be expecting the worst at every possibly juncture. Thanks for pointing me in the direction of the thread in pg - will make my way over there.

Thank you again, and I wish you all the best with your next baby.

Thank you CMOT - hadn't even considered that there would be a book, which would normally be my first port of call. Will order it.

Hi Fufulina, I am so sorry about your loss. I am in a pretty similar situation, as we had a termination for abnormalities (severe brain anomalies) on 16 February, when I was one day short of 22 weeks. There is a very supportive thread in the Antenatal tests and choices section, it's called Support thread for women who have decided to terminate V, and there are many of us in there, holding each other's hand.

It's very, very early days for you and you need time to grieve. Grief is really a rollercoaster, and I know from my own (exhausting) experience that you can be up and down in the same day. TTC is the natural reaction to what we've been through, and it's bound to bring mixed feelings. The innocence of an uncomplicated pregnancy is gone forever. I really know what you mean,as I'm also terrified about trying again.

LunaticFringe, I am so sorry about your loss as well and I wish you all the best with trying again. I hope you'll soon get your BFP and will go on to have a healthy pregnancy. You are right about just having to accept the fear, it seems that for us, after such an awful experience, it really is a matter of getting through the days as best we can and finding ways of dealing with the anxiety.

Thank you Coffee - I was sure there must be a section in Talk for this scenario, but never found it. It's a huge help already reading that we're not alone - although I know we're not sometimes it feels that way.