Found out yesterday that I have had a missed miscarriage & don't seem to be coping well.

[nomorewine]

Found out at 12 week scan. Was very very nervous before scan, almost as if I had a sixth sense all would not be well, but had no reason to suspect this as had lots of strong pregnancy symptoms - infact more so than with my two healthy pregnancies.
Poor DP wasn't expecting this at all though. It would have been our first child together & he was looking forward to seeing it on the scan.

As soon as she started the ultrasound, we could both see there was nothing there, just a big empty sack. She then did an internal scan which revealed that baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 6 days but my body had not realised so the sack had continued to develop & measured correct for 12 weeks, which was probably why I had started to notice a bump.

Going in for d&c, or whatever it is now called, tomorrow, but not doing well at all today. I keep crying, then calming, then crying again. I feel sick & empty.

I am so sorry. No wonder you are not coping well, it is a terribly sad thing to happen. And such a shock, getting to 12 weeks.

Are you on your own now? How is your DP?

DP took me to the hospital today for the pre op bits, but he has had to go home now (we don't yet live together - was unplanned pregnancy) as he needs to get some sleep before he works tonight as he has to be up early to take me tomorrow.

Seem to be coping worse today. Keep randomly bursting into tears, then calming, then crying again. Not sure what my head is thinking, it all seems a muddle.

DP is being strong for me but I know this will be hard for him too. I know he feels quite helpless & I feel bad for him.

you are grieving for your baby

being muddled is normal

Hi, sorry to hear you are going through this. the thing is you dont need to be coping well with this, it is a horrible horrible thing to happen and very natural to feel the way you are. i mmc at the end of Jan at 10wks but my little bean didnt make it past 8wks and it is such a hard thing to cope with, my mind was (and can still be)very muddled and not really knowing what was happening around me or wanting to know. i was very much in a world of my own but that was the way that i had to deal with it. my dp just carried on as if nothing had happened and even tried to make me do that too (but soon learned that i wasnt having any of it ). it is still very early days and you have to go easy on yourself for the way you are feeling.

Please take care of yourself xx

I have had a similar thing - we had our 12 week scan on monday, should've been 12+3, this is my first pg. I also had felt nervous etc before going in, but again no reason to really.

I saw a baby immediately, but then she said it was a "tiny baby" and needed to do an internal. My baby measured 9 weeks with no heartbeat.

Yesterday I had the first stage of medical management. Tomorrow I have the second stage.

On Monday when we found out i was surprisingly calm and thought i was coping well, unlike DH who had assumed that everything would be fine (as had I really but I had nerves too).

Yesterday I realised i must've just been in shock on monday cause I felt worse than I ever knew it would be possible to feel. I had never imagined it could be this hard.

I do feel a bit better today though. I am still crying at the drop of a hat, but when I am not crying I am feeling a bit calmer.

Try to take a bit of comfort from knowing that others are feeling the way you are too. It's so horrible. I think we have to expect ups and downs at best.

i am sorry to hear that you are going through this. The same thing happened to me nine years ago. It really is like a bereavement but harder in some ways as sometimes other people don't understand but you are mourning the lost of your baby and your hopes and dreams for that baby. I only really began to feel better when I conceived my dd but the pregnacncy was an anxious time.

Goodness, DC, you could be me! I too felt I was taking it all quite well when she explained, but I was in shock & not taking it in. Today I just broke down the second I got in DP's car to go to the hospital & I didn't stop crying for the whole journey. I know DP is hurting too, but is trying hard to look after me, which can't be easy for him at all. I haven't been in a state like this for a long time. My emotions are all over the place. I am scared but not sure what of & I feel like a walking shell, like my insides have been ripped out.

Loopydoopy - sorry you have been through it too, and that your DP wasn't too supportive. It is tough.

Hi there, nomorewine. I'm so, so sorry you ended up in this section, I know you were an Oct EDD like me. I was very similar to you in that I even took my eldest daughter to the scan with me because I thought it would be lovely for her to see the baby on the screen. Before I went in, there was a couple sat crying and I remember feeling so sorry for them and being glad it wasn't me. But like you, I think I must have had a bit of a sixth sense because Weds night I could hardly sleep with nerves over the scan, and I did put a couple of slightly worried posts on the Oct thread.

The sense of shock when they told me was indescribable. I couldn't believe what they were saying at first - even though I could see for myself there was no heartbeat. I started shaking violently and was nearly sick. My poor 14 year old daughter ended up sitting with me at the hospital the whole day while I sobbed and sobbed, waiting for the ERPC. Telling Dh and my mum and my younger daughter was just awful and when DH came in I've never seen him in such a state of shock.

I think what you are describing about how you are sounds perfectly normal. Last Thursday when I went for the scan, I cried virtually the whole day. It was truly one of the blackest days of my life. Friday was really no better. I was just like you are. Friday morning I sobbed, literally sobbed and sobbed for almost 2 hours without stopping. Then I would be calm for a bit and suddenly something would set me off again. I can really relate to the crying and calming, crying and calming cycle. I think it's a very normal way of dealing with the grief.

Nearly a week on now and I can tell you that the initial shock does pass slightly. I'm not crying so often, though I'm still very, very sad. My DH is taking it very hard too. We have planned to go away for a few days next weekend, to give ourselves some space and try to come to terms with the shock a bit. I'm also chewing over the idea of getting something like a ring to remember the baby by. Other people on here have said those things have helped. I'm thinking more clearly than I was at the beginning, when my thoughts about how to cope/ what to do/ the future were all over the place. I had a really angry day when I was railing at the unfairness of it all and DH has been through patches of shouting at the girls at every least thing. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are all hurting and we need to be gentle with each other. It's good your DP is being supportive, but hard when you know he is struggling too. Be as kind as you can to each other and you will come through it together.

For the moment, I think you need to let yourself cry and cry, and don't expect anything of yourself. Treat yourself as well as you can and don't expect too much too soon. I suspect that coming to terms with it is like climbing a mountain in very tiny steps - things will eventually improve but slowly.

I know I won't ever forget, and I know a part of me will always be sad when I look back. But I hope that one day it won't consume my every waking thought as it does now, and I hope I will be able to enjoy things again.

I think once your ERPC is done, it will be slightly easier to start moving on, but you have to expect the moving on process to take a long time.

Sending very unmumsnetty (((((hugs)))) to you and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. The op is a very simple and quick one. Do keep posting on here to let me know how you are doing, and take care of yourself. xxx

nomorewine so sorry for your loss. Can empathise with the shock; have had 2 MMCs now, and the first last August was very hard to come to terms with. I also had an ERPC which, to echo musicposy, is really fine, and physically I felt recovered very quickly. Emotionally is of course much more difficult.

I think only you know what you need to do to come to terms with it; actually I am a fan of just getting on with things. Have a DS under 2 and that helped immensely as I didn't have time to mope. BUT you must grieve in the appropriate way for you.

I hope if you TTC again things work out better next time. I MC again a few weeks ago, and will hope for 3rd time lucky when I start again in a month or 2.

All the best.

So sorry others have been through this, but it does help to know I am not alone. You feel very much that way, like everyone else around you is having happy outcomes to their scans (although that is obviously not the case) & you can have "why us?" moments. In just a few seconds your whole world seems to have suddenly fallen apart around you. Every hour of each day since Tuesday has been a horrible dark one.

Did anyone else think they had really strong pregnancy symptoms before finding out? I think I felt worse than when pregnant with my boys, which goes against what is meant to happen, as you are meant to look for symptoms vanishing. Infact, around the time my baby stopped growing, my symptoms really started kicking in. Doesn't make sense.

Got my op later today. Feeling I am not doing well. Was not coping with boys this morning before school & was ratty with them last night.

Musicposy - so sorry for your loss. It really is the pits isn't it?
My DP is being really strong atm, but I think he has to be because I am coping so badly. I feel sad for him as he must be hurting too. It was a real shock for him as he really wasn't expecting it - he just thought he was going to see his baby on the screen. It would have been his first experience of it as would have been our first child together.

DP is coming to get me now & take me to hospital. Feeling very churny & wobbly.

nomorewine - I hope it goes ok at the hospital. Please keep coming back for support whenever you need it, there are lots of lovely ladies here who have been through similar, they helped me no end when a similar thing happened to me in Jan.

It's ok to feel the way you're feeling, it's really sad.

Dai5yChain - hope your second stage today goes ok. I know the shock of it all is a lot to take in.

Will be thinking of you all over the coming days.

xxx

i'm so sorry you and others are going through this. i had a miscarriage at 6 weeks in november, so know some of what you are feeling, although never had to deal with a mmc and the scan which i can only imagine must be so much harder.

basically, don't even start to think that you should be coping yet. it is early days and you just need to get through the hospital stuff first and deal with your physical recovery first. the physical recovery is the most important now, but it is the easy bit - your body will bounce back very quickly. the emotional recovery is the thing that takes time and tears, but you will get there too.

I was numb for a few weeks - while my body healed, i couldn't deal with my mind - and then really really sad and down for a while. I got pg again very quickly, so am now 16 weeks, but even despite the happiness of this pregnany, I am sad about the baby I will never have and get upset about it even now nearly 5 months on. I'm sure I will be hit hardest in July when I will be 7 months pregnant, but should have been giving birth.

The best way to cope is to not bottle it up - if you need to cry, then cry, if you want to talk then talk. DH and I do still talk about it occasionally, and it is reassuring to know that he thinks about it as much as I do and that although we have moved on neither of us has forgotten. We're at a stage now where we can mention the miscarriage word in conversation with each other, without fearing that one or other of us will burst into tears, and I think it is good that we can talk about it in that way. I sometimes get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, but I'm now at a stage where I'm okay with that, can accept that it will happen occasionally and can live with it. I don't feel I need to get any better than I am now or not have those feelings - I sort of feel that although I still have sadness that I probably always will and that it is not wrong for that to be part of me now and to imagine I will get to a stage where I'm never sad about it is silly really. So I now sort of feel my emotional recovery is complete, even if I am sad occasionally, IYSWIM.

Sorry that is rambling I know, but just wanted to share how I feel and reassure you that not coping now is just fine and that sadness in the future is fine too. Focus on your physical recovery for now, and then over time the emotional recovery will come.

megonthemoon, that is such a helpful post. Thank you.

nomorewine, let us know how you are when you get back from the hospital. I would be surprised if you didn't feel wobbly beforehand, but I'm sure the physical side of it will be fine. You'll get over being snappy with your boys, just give yourself time and don't expect too much. A friend of mine who had a mc at 11 weeks said she couldn't even look at her young daughter - she almost felt she hated her. I've been the complete opposite, clinging to my two girls for dear life and not being able to let them out of my sight. I'm guessing that all these reactions are normal and we need to be patient with ourselves.

I'll check on here later this evening to see how you got on and how you are doing. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon. xxxx

Sorry to hear you are going through this; I don't think you should expect to be coping well as it is a terrible shock that you have only just had! I had a similar thing happen at my 12 week scan and apart from the sense of loss of a much-wanted baby, I also felt really let down by my body and how it could have got it so wrong. I hope the ERPC goes well; even if you feel OK physically, I think you should still take things slowly and give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with it. It does get easier though!

I am back now. Op itself was fine & although I have had a couple of crys, today I seem more together than yesterday, although I know all that could change at any time. It really is like when you are grieving for the loss of someone close. I am going through very similar emotions to when My nan died. I would cry & cry, then the next day I would seem to dry up a bit & appear to be coping better, then think "why am I not crying? I don't feel better inside"
Think your body just cannot keep crying & crying like that, so you almost zone out for a bit.

I also feel very let down by my body. Couldn't understand why it couldn't deal with things as it should, why my pregnancy symptoms kicked in around the time my baby died. All seems so cruel.

They told me at the hospital that if I get pregnant again, they would give me an early scan, which is quite reassuring. Wouldn't want to wait until the 12 week mark again as would be terrified.

Know I need to expect lots of dips & low spells as my body adjusts and the pregnancy hormones leave my body.

Thank you all for your support. x

So sorry to hear about your MMC - I had the same when we were trying for DC1.

I tried to do what everyone expected me to do and pick myself up and move on (which is what I have always done), but it really is much more complicated and it is so disappointing.

I hope you find someone you can talk to about it who you really trust and is not going to be annoying (most people think they are helpful but they really aren't).

I know what one person says probably doesn't help very much but I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon xx

Glad you are home now. Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Hope you have a more peaceful night.

Sending love your way and thinking of you lots x

Hi nomorewine, I'm glad you are home and the op went well. Just checking up to see how you were.

I think you're right that you kind of zone out because your body just can't sustain constant crying. Mine was a week ago today and I'm definitely crying less than I was then, though I'm yet to have a day of no crying. I really understand the feeling of wondering why you aren't crying because you feel just as bad inside.

I've been thinking of you this afternoon and I'm glad you are OK (in relative terms). Keep on letting us know how you are doing. xxxx

I'm glad you're home and that it went as well as can be expected. Take care of yourself over the coming days. ((((UnMN hug)))) from me here.

Couldn't read this thread without posting. I had a mc 17 days ago, was another october EDD. Not had to suffer the 12 wk scan shock as I started bleeding before that and just knew it was all over, so I do count myself lucky. Its hard, of course it is, but already I feel stronger about it. Had my first negative pg test today so feel like I've got to a point where I can start again now. Feeling quite positive about ttcing again. I find now I am able to look forward (most of the time).

There are hard days. Yesterday I found out a friend was 12 wks pg and due in october and just broke down. I wanted to scream " that should have been me". Today I feel stronger again. I fully expect more ups and downs over the next few weeks. I'm sure thats normal. Look after yourself, let yourself grieve (I posted a gooddbye thread to my little bean on here a couple of weeks ago as a way of saying goodbye in my own head) and give yourself time to heal.

You are not alone.

Thank you for your messages & sorry to those who have experienced similar - I really wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, it is just awful. I keep going over & over the horrible scan in my head. The last 4 days have felt like I am living through a horrible horrible nightmare.

Am off on holiday for a week with DP, the boys, & my sister & BIL, so am hoping the break will do me good.