EPRC today, all very sudden, posting for support and advice

[musicposy]

Hi there, I've been having a lovely time on the pregnancy threads up until this morning when I went for a fairly routine scan at 9 wks +1 day.

At 6 weeks there were twins, though one very small, so the scan was just to check if there was still two there or just one.

Sadly, twin 2 had completely disappeared and twin 1 had no heartbeat. They think it died about a week/ week and a half ago, at around 8 weeks or just before.

Making the decision this morning when I was in so much shock what to do was terrible but I just couldn't face coming home and waiting for the miscarriage to happen, even with medical management. Luckily I had had no breakfast and they had a cancellation on the operating theatre list for this afternoon, so at 5pm today I went for an ERPC.

It's all been so sudden. This morning I was looking forward to the scan and planning on getting some maternity clothes this afternoon, now I am back at home with very little physical pain, but no baby. I have cried so much I can't believe I have any tears left. Hubby and my two lovely girls are very upset too.

I can't try again, I'm 43 and this one was concieved with IVF/ ICSI after eight years of trying. So it's end of the line.

Anyone who's been through similar, how did you get over it? How long did it take to feel anywhere near normal/ happy again? I realise everyone is defferent but I desperately need support, especially as all my family are grieving too.

So so sorry for your losses, especially because of what you went through to get pregnant. I had an ERPC on the 19th Nov. Physically, it was fine - very little pain and bleeding afterwards. My periods took 9 weeks to come back though and that was a big worry for me as I thought something had gone wrong. I think most women get them back 4-8 weeks.

Emotionally - well my situation is not so straightfoward. I experienced a neonatal loss 6 months earlier and so the pain of that drowned the the pain of the MC. However, it was a huge emotional blow as my hopes had been crushed again. That was worse than the MC itself. As my my baby stopped growing at 6 weeks, I didn't feel too attached to him/her. I hope that does not sound insensitive.

I would like to get pregnant again in the next few months but I don't have the desperation to like I did 2nd time round. I want to be in a better place physically and emotionally.

I wish I could give you some words of comfort. It does get better over time. I could have strangled anyone who said that to me at the time, but it is true.

xx

Thanks very much, sh77.

It doesn't sound insensitive at all saying you didn't feel to attached; you feel what you feel and I imagine everyone is different. I can imagine that a neonatal loss would utterly dwarf most things - and in a way I think, even for me, it's as much about the loss of all my hopes and dreams than anything. I think that's a lot of the coming to terms with it.

Physically, I feel pretty fine. I've only got very mild pain and bleeding is not any worse than a period, if as bad. It's the emotional shock.

They said average 6 weeks for periods to return, but at least I won't panic now if it takes a bit longer.

And I do need to know that it gets better over time, so thanks. I will need to get back to being a normal happy mum to the two girls I have - so I know I have to pull through it.

It's good that people are so supportive on here. Thank you - and I do hope you get some success soon.

Thanks you.

Also, you may well experience symptoms for a few days/weeks. They will subside when the preg hormones drop. My boobs hurt for 6-7 weeks after ERPC. If you have any worries at all about unusual bleeding, temp, pain, make sure you get checked out to rule out incomplete MC/ retained tissue.

I just wanted to send my love to your family and show my support at this incredibly sad time.

Thank you both

I feel as though I am never going to stop crying. I cried for 2 hours solid this morning and have only just managed to stop. I will stop for half an hour and then start crying again, just sobbing and sobbing. I'm crying for the bby, for the fact that I thought I would have it with me in October, and for all the dreams and hopes that have been shattered. I'm crying because I don't know how I will ever be happy again.

I'm guessing it does eventually get better than this

musicposy am so touched by your post, and sorry for your loss.

Have had 2 MMCs myself in the last 7 months and have just turned 42, so I empathise with where you're at. The emotions you describe are so familiar, particularly when it happens so fast (my first was over 48 hours, so not as sudden as yours, but still fairly fast. My second was much more spread out and whilst waiting for surgery I MC naturally. Have to say the speedy process much more preferable.)

It is a grief, and that will affect you in different ways and over some time to come. Like all griefs you do start to come to terms with it, but you never forget. Just look after yourself and allow yourself time to cry and contemplate. Having other DCs really helps IMO.

Sending you and your family love and best wishes.

Oh, littlelapin, you made me laugh when you said you wanted to punch people! I know I am very lucky with my girls and I keep telling myself that. I too have friends who cannot conceive at all including one who had 6 cycles of IVF and then her husband left her and had a child with someone else.So I know I am luckier than lots of people but the hurt is still enormous right now.

At least the girls do lots of stuff I can try and throw myself into and I'm hoping that will help. In fact, at the start of the pregnancy, because I was having to rest a bit, I was missing my normal life ....now I am beating myself up about ever thinking that.

I worry about my relationship with DH. I know he is finding it hard, too. At least we are talking about it. Mainly he is very angry at the moment, not with me, just with the unfairness and grief of it all, I guess. Earlier he said he would have driven the car as fast as he could just to get the anger out but because he had the girls with him he didn't (thank goodness) - he just came home and sat down looking utterly shell shocked and very close to tears and told me. Trouble is, I think men feel they have to be strong. But tonight he has been shouting at the girls over every little thing. So I'm quite worried about how things will pan out. I guess it's very early days and maybe better he is feeling it now.

jollster, it is comforting that I'm not alone, not that I would wish this on anyone else . I think, when you're over 40 and know that the chances of success are slim, you can feel very much like the only one out there. I'm still trying to hold on to hope that by some miracle I might fall pg again but I know it's so unlikely and I really don't want to keep living from month to month. I have no idea how to move on, though. Maybe acceptance just comes in time.

Today has been awful, just so black. That's all I can describe it as really, like everything I dreamed for has been taken away. I had so many mental plans and it's still hard to accept that I won't have a baby in October, and this year is just going to be like any other year now. I keep asking people how long feeling like this lasts, which of course, you can't get a definitive answer for. But it is helpful to read your posts and see how you've coped through it. I'm terrified this whole year is going to be awful now and I can't afford it to be. My elder daughter is 14 and I have to enjoy my girls whilst they are still young enough to want to go on holiday with us, do things with us, etc. I don't want to look back and say I wasted all that time. That's why I had the IVF, to draw a line under all the years of TTC. I just didn't know that it was going to turn out quite like this. I guess nobody does.

Continued thanks for all your support

I'm so sorry for your loss musicposy, your post really struck a chord with me.

I have suffered a series of MCs, but the first was a particular shock and affected me for a long time. I thought I had a handle on it all and was coping well (always smiling, always strong), but several months later I noticed myself getting very low, unable to concentrate, unable to identify what was wrong. When I checked dates, it was just before my due date and I realised I needed to deal with it much more head-on than I had to begin with.

I wrote myself a long letter, saying what happened, when, how I had felt at each stage (from getting the BFP onwards). Writing it all down helped me think it through properly and put it in perspective, and helped me to remember and think about what I had gone through.

At the time, I thought I may never have a child. I bought a beautiful ring to remember my lost baby, and wearing it helped me for several years. Something about saying, quietly to myself, that this had happened and was important and should not be forgotten.

I now have my little family, DC2 concieved by IVF so I recognise your comments about having hopes, plans and dreams for years and having them dashed by MC. I think it is the grieving for the future you planned but have lost that I found very hard to come to terms with.

Please, give yourself and your family time to come to terms with what has happened. And don't hide it away as I'm sure it will help you to be able to talk to one another.

I'll be thinking of you.

Felt so sad to read what youre going through. Had a msc at 12 weeks and it brought it all back.coming to terms with the fact that there would be no more babies was difficult and I carried a little dolly around in my pocket for a little while and gave the baby a name. I was sure it was a girl. Know it sounds crazy but not seeing it was the worst.It did take a while to readjust but just try to rest and spend time with your family. I very nearly died because of the loss. Knowing that ny kids nearly lost their mum helped me to focus on how lucky I was to have them and kept me grounded. Your family sound lovely and im sure you will become closer because of what youve all lost. you will accept it in time although thats probably a million miles from where you are now. thinking of you. keep posting. am here if you need to chat. take care

It's so, so helpful to have people on here to chat to, I can tell you how much.

I've been looking at IVF/ICSI clinics and statistics online today, thinking whether we could try again, but I know in my heart we can't. We mortgaged ourselves to the hilt for this time and the success rates for 43 year olds are so, so low, about 3%. I was bouyed up by having achieved a pregnancy through ICSI, but there's no point if it ends this way and we really, really can't afford it. If I didn't have children already, I would, but it took such a toll on us all I'm not sure I could repeat it even if money was no object.

I really need to find a way to accept and enjoy my family as it is and draw a line under it, but I suspect that is going to take time.

The no more babies thing is hard and I can understand the dolly thing. I like the idea of a ring. DH and I were looking at eternity rings a while back and it is our 16th wedding anniversary next week so maybe I will look at getting something to give me a permanent reminder. I think that would help.

I'm finding I'm very clingy to the girls, and them back to me, too. We seem to be spending a lot of time just sat together and hugging each other. I keep looking at my youngest and thinking she will stay the baby of the family now - but I am just so grateful I have them both. I think it will bring us closer - I've been too exhausted to do much with them at all the last 2 months and it will be nice to rectify that. Hubby seems a little more balanced today, less angry with the world. I think it will take us a while to properly come through it, but I hope that one day I can come on here and reassure other people that it does get better.

Keep chatting to me and telling me about all your experiences. It's just so comforting to find other people who have been through the same.