How can I help my friends after their dd was stillborn at 27 weeks?

[alicet]

Posting on this thread in the hope tha some of you who have tragically been through something similar will be able to help me support my friends...

After a somewhat traumatic pregnancy (anomaly picked up at 20 week scan and then subsequent amnio, MRI, multiple USS in order to try and ascertain its significance) I have heard today that my friends dd was stillborn at 20 weeks.

I have already emailed and left a messag on their answer phone to say that I am there for them but this seems so meaningless in the context of what they are going through. While I am not daft enough to assume I can make it all OK I'd really like to offer more practical and emotional support and I wanted to get some advice about the best way of going about this. For example I have read on MN before (can't remember thread) that wooly offers of support are often not taken up as it is too much for parents who are over whelmed in grief to be able to stop and think 'Oh yes I could ask alicet to do that! and so more specific offers are better.

So if its not too painful I'd really appreciate any insight into what really helped you and also what really didn't.

Thanks...

Hi when my son was stillborn four years ago,I just remember that I appreciated friends not tip-toeing around what had happened and that their visits were appreciated. One friend in particular did what I thought was practical and thoughtful - she put a basket together of some grocery items 'comfort foods' for want of a better term, some alcohol and most interestingly a box of tissues which I guess was the part which meant 'hey i know i can't do much else' and even though it was only a short time after, it made me smile.

How awful for your friends .

I agree with Blondie that acknowledgement of the baby (i.e. using their daughter's name) is really important. Friends turning up with cakes and coffee to be a shoulder to cry on was very welcome and much needed. Lovely idea about the basket of comfort food.

Also, be there for the long haul. Maybe a call or a card on what would have been the due date to say you are thinking of her. Your friends will never forget their daughter, but the rest of the world will seem to move on and expect them to be 'over it' relatively quickly.

You sound like a lovely friend .

agree with the above,especially people saying'let us know what we can do'..the last thing you feel like is thinking about what other people can do - task delegation is the least of your worries!!

everybody is very differnt and will handle it in diff ways - i lost a baby at 23 weeks and 1 friend asked if i had photos and asked if it was ok to look at them - i really appreciated that adn we had a lovely chat all about it -- she didnt shy away form it and aknowledged the baby iykwim (but its a very personla thing..)

taking their lead is the best bet really...
x

Thanks lovely ladies for taking the time to respond on something that must bring back awful memories for you.

I have sent a couple of messages talking about their dd by name to acknowledge her and have tod them I am here for them whenever they needed me wether that is now, tomorrow, next week, next year etc.

I wrote offering to come and put their baby things into storage for them so they didn't have to face this if they would find it too painful if it would help to not have them around but also said that if this wouldn't be a help they didn't need to worry about getting in touch. I put in the note that I didn't know if for them they would find it more comforting to have her things around them as I didn't want them to think I was trying to erase her iyswim? Just couldn't help thinking that having constant reminders that I wasn't going to bring my baby home would probably be very hard.

Asking to see photos is a lovely suggestion as too is the food parcel. I will do both of these when it is appropriate.

I also found a rose plant that is called the same name as their dd. I would like to get this for them so that they could plant it in her memory but I thought this would probably be more appropriate a little while down the line?

Hope all this sounds OK - very happy to be advised if anything am doing / planning would be upsetting...

Everything you have done sounds really lovely. The rose bush is a perfect idea too - we planted daffodils as our DC would have been born in April - it is a special reminder when the daffodils flower every year.

Thank you alicet and those that replied for posting. I found out this morning that my friends have just lost their much anticipated baby boy at 37 weeks so I was wondering how best I could help. The hamper of comfort food and the other advice is perfect. Best wishes to you all. xxx

My daughter was stillborn at 34 weeks, she would have been 4 tomorrow.
I think that the best thing was for me people just doing something, a card, a text a call, flowers anything. I can only go by how I felt but I felt ashamed and full of unbelievible pain. I didn't contact or talk to anyone for about six weeks but all the effort people made with me kept me afloat and I thanked them when I felt strong enough. There were people who I simply never heard from again and they did things like cross over the road when they saw me.
Anything is good.

Applehead I will be thinking of you and your beautiful dd tomorrow xxx

boiledeggandsoildiers for your friend. Thinking of them and you too...

Thanks again for the rest of you for taking the time to respond to me especially over something so emotional and personal. My very bast to you all xxx