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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

men and miscarriage

11 replies

trycyclic · 15/03/2010 16:19

can anyone advise how to deal with a partner who cannot deal with you being depressed and crying and hurting and not being able to face life etc? my partner says there is nothing to grieve as there was never a death as there was never a birth. when I sob he ignores me, when I try to talk he changes the subject. he just wants time and space to himself and that I need to deal with it like him as "its the best way". I need reassurance but am afraid that asking for it may break up my relationship. how do couples survive when the differences in grieving are too great? thanks

OP posts:

bb99 · 15/03/2010 16:53

Have you had a look at the miscarriage association leaflet on men and miscarriage? Google it and have a look, it helped me make a bit more sense of it all.

DH and I do things very differently when I have a mc, but I try to remember thet he's just doing and dealing with things in his own way - doesn't help sometimes tho when he just seems able to get on with things, but I think this is when he's trying to hold it all together for everyone else IYSWIM. He doesn't often talk about any of it, which is tricky esp in the early days as I just want to talk and talk and talk... I just try to remember that he's just doing the best he can with a shit horrible situation and there's no right or wrong way to feel or act when something like this happens.

Sorry for your loss.

Goodluckbear · 15/03/2010 18:13

Hi Trycyclic,

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss, and sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't have any advice as such, but just to say you aren't alone. My DH also doesn't know how to deal with my grief, he has reacted in a different way to yours, but similarly, he says things like "it wasn't a real baby" or "you weren't properly pregnant" which I obviously find hurtful, but I realise he is trying to protect himself by pretending it wasn't real.

I don't know what to suggest apart from hanging around here for some support - the ladies here are really nice!! And the leaflet bb99 suggested is good.

Big hugs

xxxxxxxxx

chubbymummy · 15/03/2010 18:26

So sorry for your loss {{{hug}}}.
A woman becomes a mother the second she knows she's got a little life growing inside her, for men pregnancy only becomes real when they can see a huge bump and they only become a father when the baby is born. It's impossible for anyone who hasn't experienced a miscarriage themselves to really understand the loss you feel. When I had my first miscarriage a close friend of mine said "oh well, it wasn't a proper baby it was only a clump of cells", I was devastated by her comments and unfortunately for her she miscarried herself a few months later. Needless to say she soon changed her tune and when I miscarried for the second time she was very sympathetic and supportive.
Remember, you need time to grieve and if you can't talk to anyone in real life you will get plenty of support on here! x

upturnj · 14/06/2010 22:11

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I have had 3 M/C's and my and my DP and I dealt with them very differently too. It was awful actually. I was overwhelmed with grief during my last M/C in February and we argued terribly.
I think a womans grief is so different to a mans and our hormones rapidly changing play a big part in that too.
I really don't have much advice to give to you. You will probably feel fine one minute and feel waves of grief the next. This site has been a godsend to me and I hope it is for you too.
Take good care of yourself x

shazzaren · 15/06/2010 08:26

Hi and really sorry about your loss.

I had 4 mc's and the first 2 my partner wasnt with me when I had a scan to show me there was no heartbeat. My partner struggled to cope with me and my feelings after these as he just couldnt understand them. I think I threw the words 'emotional retard' at him a couple of times.....

With the 3rd mc, he was at a scan with me and saw a hb at 7 weeks, first time. A week later he came to a scan with me when we were told there was no longer a hb. THAT was when he started to understand and it hit him like a ton bricks.

I just dont know how to advise you about your partner other than he wont feel what you are feeling but he needs to understand that and be sympathetic to how you are feeling plus your hormones will be going mental right now and he should be sympathetic to that too.

shazzaren · 15/06/2010 08:28

As an add on to my last post, I received lots of treatment and went on to have a successful pregnancy so hang in there.
x

Pinkchampagne · 15/06/2010 18:28

So sorry you are going through this.

I had a MMC a couple of months back, and I must say that my DP has been my absolute rock through it. He has had to put up with me talking & talking, crying & crying, talking & talking about the same things again etc. However, he has admitted to finding it very hard to see me like this & not knowing what to do to make it better, and I was just saying to him on Sunday, that I can see how MC can be a huge relationship tester, as it is a tough thing to get through, and we can be so vulnerable & sensitive at this time, so could easily get upset by them saying the wrong thing.
My DP also seemed to be coping almost too well, which at times made me question whether the MC had upset him at all. I think he was just trying to hold it together for both of us though, and he had to be strong as I was falling apart. It is different for the women, as we carried the baby & have our hormones all over the place.

Not sure what to advise other than talking to your partner about how you are feeling & how you need his support right now.

There is always lots of support here. x

Pinkchampagne · 15/06/2010 20:55

I have just downloaded the men & miscarriage booklet from the MA. It is definitely worth a read, as it covers all the different reactions & feelings that men experience, as well as explaining our possible feelings to them. Would definitely be worth letting your partner have a read of it.

ameliajayne · 16/06/2010 12:23

sorry for your loss just to echo what the others have said really. plus try to get some support other than your DH may be an idea - will give him the time to think it through himself and you wont have to wait for him to support you.
may be worth speaking to your GP or contacting the miscarriage association see if they have either a counsellor or peer supporter who you can speak to, plus there is this forum if you ever need to speak to us girls

Good luck chic x

Emrel · 16/06/2010 23:44

Hi guys
My dh and I almost split up about this pregnancy. I wanted to start trying last september. He wasnt ready, he is always stalling and I told him I was afraid I'd start to resent him if things went wrong. And I do, I lost 6 months with him fannying around, now Ive lost 3 months with this miscarriage.This was nobodies fault but Ive lost so much time.I'm 35! Please tell me I'm not the only one because I do feel guilty but I cant help myself I do truly resent him.

Pinkchampagne · 17/06/2010 22:03

I am 2 years older than you, Emrel. Found out I had had a MMC at my 12 week scan. Pregnancy wasn't planned & timing wasn't great, but I am aware of the biological clock ticking.
We are not going to TTC until we are settled in a house together, but things are moving slowly there, so I will be at least 38 before we try again. You seem young compared to me!
Will this be your first child?

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