Just miscarried at 10 weeks, friend now pregnant. Feeling bit weird

[ElmMum]

I thought I was getting my head round things until a friend told me yesterday that she's pregnant. I knew she was ttc - we'd talked about the fact that we both would start trying in the new year.

Obviously I'm happy for her and hope it all goes well, but I feel really conflicted. It feels wrong that I've had a miscarriage. I 'should' be pregnant too. It would have been lovely to be expecting DC2s at the same time. And getting pregnant had been such good timing - baby would have been due in September, so I could take a year out from my college course and go back in the following Sept when the baby was one. But now of course, there is no baby and I can't start trying for another three months, which mucks up the course timings, so I really should wait at least 6 months.

And all the while, my friend will have a baby the same age as mine should have been.

It just all feels really wrong and like it should have happened to someone else.

Ahghgh. I just feel horrible and mean and weird.

I don't want your post to go unanswered. What you are feeling is not horrible or mean or weird. Take good care of yourself.

So sorry to hear about you MC

Just wanted to reply and tell you the exact same thing happened to me - but it was a work colleague, rather than a friend.

I had my MC at 9 weeks - came into work - and just after when my 12 week scan would have been, she announced her pregnancy, also 12 weeks - telling me at great length that I should think about trying for children soon as time is ticking on for me. (Notice I said colleague and not friend earlier!)

So the babies would have been due 2 days apart... I was so angry with her (which I felt bad about) and miserable and it totally set me back.. so i can completely sympathise

Please look after yourself - and don't feel bad about how you feel - the hormones really mess you up. x

so sorry ElmMum

i had the same thing happen to me 4 years ago. my sister anounced her pregnancy 2 days after my mc she new nothing of my mc i was keeping my pregnancy secret until 3 months as i have a history of mc. i felt a surge of emotions towards my sister and went as far as to cut myself off from her for about a year because i couldnt cope with the situation. i see her everyday now and did explain why i went a bit wierd. she fully understood.

full sympathies to you and understand completely what you must be going through. your time will come probably when your least expecting it

Elm - I just want to say that you're not alone. It downright sucks. I've had 4 mc's, and of course, each time, I had planned out everything, like when I'd take time off work and this and that. Then, I'd miscarry and all around me I would notice babies and pregnant women and people asking when I was going to have a baby...It just wasn't fair (that's what I said to myself).

The thing is, you just have to cope any way you can. For me, I avoided pregnant women and women with kids, and didn't even talk about it. I was invited to a few baby showers during that time but I didn't go to them. And I didn't feel guilty. I just needed to be away from it...

So don't feel bad...feel how you feel...

Thank you! I know I'm going to go through all sorts of emotions before I'm done with this (if I ever am). Just hard to keep up a normal front when you just want to withdraw from the world for a bit. And hard to not feel really really sorry for myself.

I just can't quite believe that all my nicely laid plans are all gone. It's even bugging me that the gap between DD and second child will now not be a neat 2.4, which seemed a perfect gap.

I know I need to get over myself - as if that's the most important thing! But it feels important now.

elm don't say that - you so don't need to get over yourself. You need to take time and look after yourself.

Its always little random things like your age gap thing that seem to matter more, I remember thinking that a November baby was the perfect month to be born and that it was all messed up now. I think it is just a way of dealing with it.

I did the same as daynee and avoided some pregnant friends - i just couldn't 'do' babies or pregnancy. Even my best friends - but they understood...

It's a shit time - there is no getting away from that. Look after yourself xx

ElmMum I do empathise. Have just had my second MMC. After the first one, I was so disappointed that the 21 month age gap wouldn't be there. Then when I got pregnant again I thought oooo ok 2 years 3 months is good. Now that's not going to happen either.

At the moment I would settle for any age gap at all

Elmmum, am so sorry about your MC I too felt the same when days after I MC my brother and his wife announced they were pregnant - much celebration for them however I had nothing by comments about how relieved I must have been as it wasn't planned

please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself these feelings without any guilt associated at all

Hi Elmmum - don't worry about feeling bad or anything, in fact, just go with how you feel and do whatever you need to do to deal with it. I miscarried at 10 weeks at the new year, and my mate announced she was 12 weeks pregnant a couple of weeks later - we'd have been the same. I still haven't seen her, but she understands. She's off for her 20 week scan today, I'm really jealous!!

Obviously pleased for her at the same time. I think it is possible to be jealous and pleased for someone at the same time - because I'm happy for her because she's my friend, and I'm unhappy for me because I wanted to have a baby too.

Anyway, just wanted to say, it's ok to feel weird and stuff.

xxxxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry about your mc, I had similar but only a work colleague so not as much of a reminder as a friend.

I hope you conceive again soon and have a healthy pregnancy. Why can't you start trying again for 3 months btw? I was told to wait for my next proper cycle.

im so sorry about your miscarriage i too have had the same situation.

I lost my baby at 7 weeks, about 3 weeks ago around the same time i found out that my auntie was pregnant with twins. I still keep saying to myself that its not fair how come she gets two and i have none. This is my third miscarriage and its heartbreaking because i know they had ivf treatment. My head still says nasty things about them, and i wish it wouldn't.

you can't avoid everyone, my workplace all talk about there children and it breaks me everytime. but i know at some point i can try again. so keep thinking about something that will take your mind off the pain. for me i'm planning my wedding for 2013, we're getting married abroad in central park, america. so i have that to think about. I've even picked my dress and getting my mum to buy it ready. Now i just need my paigeboy or flower girl. But i'll work on that one.

I hope things get easier for you

Thanks everyone. And I'm so sorry that you've all had similar horrible experiences. Life is shit sometimes.

@ClaireDeLoon - 3 months was just an estimate. Doc said best to wait til you'd had a couple of regular periods to avoid increased chance of having an ectopic pregnancy and also so they can be confident about dates.

Had a good talk with DH last night and think we will try again sooner than we had thought, and just work out a way to finish my course around a new baby (fingers crossed), rather than put off trying again to get the course finished, which just makes me fearful about what if it takes ages to get pregnant and what if we have more mcs.

But, thanks again all, for your kind words. It really does make a difference knowing that other people feel the same way you do and that it's normal.

xx