Friend has miscarried: how best to be a help and support?

[yousaidit]

I have 2 dc's, and my friend was pg with her first dc's (twins!): sadly, earlier this week she went into early labour at 22wks and her beautiful, beautiful daughters were born asleep

she and her dh have lots of family and friends, and everyone is trying to be on the right sode of visiting / keeping them company without being overbearing (they have said people are welcome to come round so they don't go potty)

i have visited and given them flowers, photo frame for a picture f the girls and a card with a message i hope will be of some comfort to them, i've said anything i can do to help to call, and along with some other friends offered that when the funeral is arranged we would do the food so that the job isn't taken on (willingly) by my friends parents, as my friend and dh want them to be at the funeral as grandparents and make the miost of sayng goodbye to their granf=d daughters and grieving, rather than rushing round organising food.

the question is, is there anything else i or my friends as a group could be doing? did anyone find anything, actions or words
helpful?

any hints or tips gratefully received, thanks.

The only thing I can think of (you have done a lot already) is to be there for your friend next month, the month after etc - give her the opportunities to talk later on about how she is feeling, it won't all be over in a couple of weeks for her. I felt (after early mc) that people gave me sympathy when I told them, but then it's never mentioned again and you feel you should have got over it. I'd love it if my bf asked me how I was coping etc.
You sound like a great friend by the way.

i also lost a ds at 22 weeks and its awful but to be honest at the beginning there isnt alot more you can do that you are not already doing...my advice though would be to remember the date and make sure in a year the twins are remembered by you xx the first month was ok because everyone rallied round but then after that it seemed i was alone...as iggi said be there for her then and really you are such a good friend xx

thanks for your kind messages iggi999 and xxkt1 , amongst our group of friends we have mentioned that this is going to be long term support, and i have popped the girls names on the calender along with all the other birthday lists , and my condolences to you both, i appreciate you taking the time to reply

hi yousaid what a horrible tragedy. i really can't imagine how awful this must be for your friend and can only echo what others have said about long term support. it sounds like you are a brilliant friend and she is going to need you so much in coming months and years.

thanks kissmummy. it's so awful.. we're all friends from secondary school and we've been through the breaking up with partners, nice events like weddings and arrivals of dcs, butthis feels like its the first, and most awful, 'grown up' situation that's occurred (we are in our 30's!)and we're alkl so stunned we seem to be spending part of our time ringing each other up to check every one else is ok too. God, it's just so bloody awful and unfair. my friend has texted everyone with the date of the funeral so hopefully she might feel some comfort in preparing to say goodbye and letting them rest?

yousaidit - sounds like you're being a wonderful friend already and all I can add is to echo what others have commented really, and try to keep it up.

Having just suffered a mmc myself in January and been through an ERPC my experience doesn't sound quite as traumatic as your friend, but was still incredibly hard for us to deal with and our friends were a HUGE support to us. Everyone is obviously there when it first happens, but a friend (who oddly enough I hadn't been that close to before) really helped me as she revealed she'd been through something similar herself, and weeks after it had happened was still offering to come over for dinner and a large glass of wine to talk it through with me, which really helped. It's strange - you can feel guilty for still feeling upset all those weeks later - some people do expect you to have pulled yourself together by then and assume it will get easier and easier. Although it does in some ways, there will still be bad days when your friend will really need you, so being there and continually supportive will be a massive help.

Also, not sure if this will be appropriate to you, but if you're at all close with the father, don't forget he needs support too.. people often focus on the mother as obviously her experience is more obvious and immediate with babies before they're born, but my other half found it equally difficult and having male friends for him to talk to was important, or even female friends who took a specific interest in how HE was feeling as opposed to just me..

Lots of huge to you and your friend - here's hoping she has much happier times ahead of her.

Oops - that should have been lots of 'hugs' to you and your friend! Fat fingers!

Yousaidit Well done for being such a caring and considerate friend. My Only advice would be to allow your friend to talk as long and as often as she needs to and to acknowledge that she was and is a mother and always will be. On the practical front some food like lasagne and soup for the freezer and getting them everyday things like bread, milk and soap powder etc can also be of help.

I'm thinking of your friend and hope she and her DH take comfort from each other through this difficult time.