How long before you went back to work?

[lapislazuli]

I miscarried last week and had an ERPC. My doctor signed me off for a week, and I am starting to feel the dread and worry of going back, the day after tomorrow.
I'm not sure if it's just the usual anticipation of going back to work after a period of time off, if I'm genuinely not ready, or if I'm just dreading facing my colleagues who will naturally ask me what happened as it's very unlike me to be off sick for even a day, let alone for over a week. Not sure what to tell them or how I will handle it and am worried about breaking down in front of them.
I know the longer I take to go back the harder it will be so better just jump back in and can always take more time off later if it doesn't feel right but just wondered what people's experiences were like, and how you handled it in the workplace.

Hello lapislazuli, I'm sorry to hear about your loss, it's horrible isn't it. I went through the same thing in 2007 and had an eprc too, I took two weeks off before I went back to work. I had thought about going back a little earlier but I just wasn't ready when it came to it and would get tearful at the slightest thing so I'm glad I took a little longer. My manager had told my colleagues what happened so that when I got back there were no awkward questions - I really appreciated that and it made it much easier for me. Take your time and take care of yourself.

Thanks plum, that was probably very wise to let your manager tell your colleagues to take the pressure off you. I don't know why I haven't done the same actually. I was unsure whether to even let my manager know exactly what happened because I barely know her and she's just an "interim" manager so didn't feel very comfortable sharing it with her anyway. Maybe I will just email the rest of my team tomorrow...god, it's so damn hard, but I think that is one of the hardest parts, telling people and dealing with awkward reactions etc..

I've had an ectopic pregnancy and will have had 3 weeks off before I go back to work. First week was while I was waiting for the diagnosis, then 2 weeks for recovery.

If you're not ready to go back take another week. I wavered over having this week off but I'm glad I did. I'm just not ready yet.

Hi. This is my first post on this site. I've had a silent miscarriage and had an erpc last Wednesday... in a way it's quite reassuring to read about someone going through the same thing. I'm going back to work tomorrow, but for some reason I originally asked my manager not to tell anyone. Thinking about it now, that was probably a mistake, especially with so many colleagues either pregnant or with new babies. Maybe it would be better if they knew. I'm considering telling people, just so they know to be careful with me. I also have this crazy idea that going back to work and getting back into the routine will be the final step in letting the baby go, as if sitting around in my pyjamas every day has somehow stopped time. I don't want to have to face up to getting up every day without my lovely secret.

Hi Fisimaji, I hope today is going ok for you.

I know exactly what you are going through and I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have now had 2 miscarriages, one last September and one 3-4 weeks ago. I wasn't working last September when I had my first one, so didn't have the problem about returning to work.

However, after having over 4 years off to raise my daughter before she started school, I got a job in October. Found out I was pregnant in January and then miscarried in February. I had a full week off work as I was back and to from the hosp a couple of times for scans and had to have a D and C too. Everyone is different but a week was right for me, and I needed to get back to normal after everything. I also found it best to tell my work colleagues who have all been very supportive. But, your experience is just that - your experience. You may be completely different to me. You will decide what is best for you and if you need more time off then get another sicknote. You will decide what is right for you at the end of the day. Take care and keep well!

Thanks for the further replies. FisiMaji, we sound like we've had a very similar experience - I guess you could call mine silent as well although I detected a tiny amount of bleeding which prompted me to see my GP - and then found out when I had my scan the following day that the baby had died at 6 weeks (and I was counting 11 weeks).
I have decided to bite the bullet and go in tomorrow, and have also just sent an email to my team to let them know as I think it's for the best - it is an intensely private and painful matter but if it means avoiding awkward questions and situations, I'm sure most people will be very understanding and it will help them too, should they see you go off for a little cry or something.
Hope your day's been going OK and that you managed it the best way for you.
I am so sorry wintera and muser about your losses too, thanks for replying as it's so true that just hearing how other women have dealt with these situations is reassuring, even if we all come to deal with them in a slightly different way.

Hi lapislazuli, I know how you feel. I had a mmc end of Jan and I started back at work last week...I didn't want to go back but like you said the more time I had off would have made it even harder to go back eventually. My manager knew I was PG due to the normal appointments needed etc and she got told about the mmc, work have been really good allowing me to work shorter hours until I feel that I can get back into my normal hours. There are only a few people that know what happened at work but I have not had any awkward questions as yet from anyone that didn't. It is a hard move to make after everything and as others have said you are the only one who will know how you feel and if you feel ready to go back.

Take care and look after yourself thats the main thing x

I am okay, thanks plumblossom. Every day it gets easier.

Lapislazuli, my baby died at 8 weeks and I was nearly 11 weeks too. My 12 week scan would have been tomorrow. It really freaked me out for a couple of days that it was inside me still. But then when it came to the erpc I didn't want to let it go. I also had the tiniest bit of bleeding which is what made me go to A&E... the doctors there examined me and told me there was nothing to worry about, but to have a scan the next morning just in case. So we were actually quite excited on the way in, that we were going to get to see the baby. We were totally unprepared for the bad news. Since then I have obsessed about what I was doing that week, whether I noticed the baby dying. And if I didn't, then why not?

As for going back to work, I think you've made a good decision. As much as I'm dreading it tomorrow, I think it will fill my head with something other than sadness, and I'm hoping it will be the first step towards getting my head around trying again.

Hello, I had an ERPC 6 weeks ago. I went back after 4 weeks (had to wait 2 weeks for the ERPC) then I took another 2 off. I thought I would be ready to go back sooner but the anxiety was too much. I was terrified. In the end I spoke to my manager - nice guy but I wouldn't say we've ever confided in each other. He was really nice and understanding. Talking to him took away some of the anxiety and fear of going back. Take your time. My advice would be don't force yourself to go back before you're ready. I was a wreck the night before going back and on the morning - sick with nerves, once I'd got in though it was ok (though I had/have the odd wobbly now and again). Gx

Hi there

So sorry to read about all of your difficult times. I feel exactly the same it is difficult to work out when the right time to return is. I was 26 weeks pregnant and had a stillborn son 5 weeks ago after I noticed reduced kicking. I have chosen to ease back to work this week. Obviously because of my gestation everyone knows my situation so I expect the first few days to be a little arkward but generally people have been very kind to me.

Good luck to all

Hi Kazmog, I am so so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. I can't begin to imagine your pain - mine pales in comparison and I feel fortunate in a funny sort of way that mine happened so early so my heart goes out to you.
I've found though that being back at work is actually a real help (and this is coming from someone who hates her job...). After a few days of feeling terrible for even laughing or smiling, outwardly I am being my usual self and it's only quiet mumsnetty evenings where I still get a bit weepy.
I hope your first day back is a gentle one and that you have the support that you need. Good luck to you

I had two weeks off, went back last week after my third miscarriage at 7 weeks. on my first day back i couldn't cope, i spend all of my first day back miserable and in tears. i wanted to come home but they kept me there. i have never felt like i wanted to quit until that day. they where the worst people to be around.

i now have to face going back everytime and if i had the guts i'd find another job but we want to try again and i've been there for over a year so we get full maternity leave.

i still dont want to go back.