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[onemissing]

Hi all

I lost my baby boy just over 2 years ago at 22 weeks, after I went into premature labour.

I am involved with a baby loss charity, but find it hard to hear other bereaved parents say that they think it is "easier" to lose a baby earlier in a pregnancy, and that earlier losses are "not the same" as later ones.

I'd be interested to know what others think about this.

I agree with you. Nobody should go around telling others how they should feel, or that one loss is somehow easier than another. It's not some sort of competition. You feel what you feel. xxxx

First, let me say that I am very sorry for your loss.

I tend to believe that a wanted pregnancy is very hard to lose regardless of when.

I recently lost my fifth at 19+ weeks and had to deliver by C-Section which meant facing my biggest fear without the joy of bringing home the baby. I am still recovering physically let alone emotionally but I would never suggest that the pain of my loss is greater than anyone else's.

I think that I might be odd in thinking that I would have found it much harder if I had been full term because I have already experienced so many second trimester losses that I 1/2 expect it to happen. A full term loss when everything was in place to bring a baby home would likely kill me.

I already find it very hard to sort through baby clothes in preparation for an up-coming move and I never really allowed myself to dare to dream that I was having a baby--yet...

However, if someone had dared to suggest this to me when I had my first miscarriage at 18+ weeks, I might have gone off on one.

So sorry to hear of your loss. A loss is a loss no matter how far along.

Other people say these things to make themselves feel better. Because the loss of a child is so huge they dont know what to say. They think if they make a random bandaging statement it will help. In reality its very difficult for them to understand nothing will help but the space and understanding to let the parents to greive freely in their own way.

When people say "at least it wasnt XYZ" or "you can have another" its because they are so overwhelmed with how bad it must feel that they feel they must say something to make it better - but you CANT theres nothing they can say. People struggle with this.

It upsets me when I hear these things. I had a 2nd trimester loss and often say baby was born asleep, which she was, as its easier for people to understand. Sometimes I try to think of it as what they said was not accurate but it was well meaning, they wanted to say something nice. It doesnt often work though i often feel angry. And problem is it them dismisses your feelings in a way, you feel you dont have the right to feel like that, which makes it even harder to talk about things.

The people at baby loss charity shouldn't be saying this/dismissing others greif. You could equally say it the other way eg at least you had longer with baby/had a chance of life if born prem/had a birth&death cert.

Its just not comparable. If these are support groups that this is being said at please have a word with the leader as it must be hard to hear this. Take care of yourself. x

A hierarchy of grief would be interesting. Miscarriage versus loss of child versus family wiped out in car accident versus earthquake in Haiti? Of course they're not all the same but it takes nothing away from your grief to be told "it could be worse".

I have experienced the loss of my baby shortly after her birth (full term) and a missed MC. Both are losses but the pain of losing my daughter was infinitely greater than miscarrying. That is not to dismiss the MC loss. It is just how I felt.

I would not dream of telling anyone that a MC was no big deal compared to another loss because we can't feel another's pain. However, I wouldn't dismiss what someone says about feeling differently about different losses as that too is their experience. I don't think people say these to makes themselves feel better or to compete with grades of grief. Yes, a loss is a loss but different losses induce different intensities of feelings.

i have lost four pregnancies, all around the eight/nine week stage. up to a point i agree with iggi that hierarchies of grief are almost nonsensical. grief is as bad as you experience it to be.
However, my personal view is that my four first trimester losses, which have become more traumatic each time it happens, are still nothing compared to a single late second, or third trimester loss, or a still birth. you do not feel a baby move in the first few weeks of pregnancy; nor do you usually know the sex; nor has your body gone through such a very long process of preparation for the arrival. so i don't personally think what i've suffered is anything like the suffering of women who lose pregnancies later down the line. Would l be grateful for someone else telling me this? no way. But in my mind i know that others are far worse off.

I think you're making a good point, but in this case the OP was upset by comments made from people who weren't comparing two losses (in the way that you are sadly able to do), they were comparing their loss to other people's losses, and saying theirs was worse.

(that was to sh77)