Cruel

11 replies

MissiG · 28/02/2010 23:31

Just back from a wedding. And guess what! Sat at table with a lovely woman who's 19 weeks pregnant - just what I'd have been if I'd hadn't miscarried. Got into hideous conversation with them about children, how wonderful they are and what a great adventure they were on - when they asked me.... So, when will you have another? Husband standing just out of earshot. I wanted to cry the whole night. He says he doesn't want anymore and I'm telling them how great having kids are. Oh, stab through the heart. Home now and hoping he's gone to bed, because there's no point crying in front of him. RUBBISH.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 23:41

am just off to bed but spotted this

yes, you are right, it is so very cruel

I had 2 mc's before I had my dc, so I know how it feels

it hurts physically

my DH was always great, but only up to a certain extent, they just don't feel it viscerally like we do

and the day my FIL said "never mind, it wasn't really a baby" I could have punched him

I am so sorry...life is not fair sometimes

Muser · 01/03/2010 00:18

It is cruel. And unfair. I'm sorry you're going through this and for the experience at the wedding. I'm thinking of you.

BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 01/03/2010 00:22

so sorry for your loss.

you really should be able to lean on your husband right now. let him know exatly how you feel/felt tonight. he may totally surprise you. you both need each other.

YanknCock · 01/03/2010 00:25

It's so hard, isn't it. As AnyFucker said, DHs don't feel it in the same way. How awful to have to have that conversation, so sorry you had to go through that.

Mumcentreplus · 01/03/2010 00:32

mathanxiety · 01/03/2010 01:47

xxxxxx to you. I wanted to smack my otherwise lovely and medically excellent OB when I had my first mc, and he came into the examining room where I was bleeding profusely on the examining table. He called to the nurse, 'Yolanda, quick, get a specimen cup and label it Products of Conception!' It was my baby...

I don't know if Hs don't feel it the same way, but maybe their way of dealing with it is different? They want to 'fix' the situation by not trying again and avoiding pain, or fix it by distraction or not speaking about it, or ham-fisted attempts to alleviate your distress ('it wasn't really a baby'), because the distress of the woman they love, distress they can do nothing about, is terrifying to them. Fixing things gives them a sense of competence and control over a situation that contains all the things men really don't feel comfortable with -- your emotions and theirs, confusion about what is expected of them, a major event that they could do nothing about. Best to talk it out though, even if, to your DH, this may feel like a root canal. Ask him for his time, and for an open heart. Men don't like to sit face to face sometimes (to them it's often confrontational), so maybe if you sat side by side it might work better for both of you.

thumbwitch · 01/03/2010 01:53

so have I got this right - your DH doesn't want any more - does that mean he's not bothered about the MC because it's worked out ok for him?? that's so sad for you - he should be there to support you, it's a terribly sad thing to have to go through, worse if you have to do it alone and MUCH worse if you have someone who should be supporting you and isn't.

I MC just before Christmas at 8w - DH was very stoical about it, he is the one who wants a 2nd DC more than me but it was my loss and my heartache - he just keeps being relentlessly upbeat about the fact that at least I got pg again, that's a good sign, right? If it happens again (God forbid) then I expect he'll be more upset.

giraffesCantCeilidhDance · 01/03/2010 06:18

Oh I'm so sorry, it sound slike that was really difficult

Original poster

MissiG · 01/03/2010 09:03

Thanks so much for your messages. Ended up screaming at him last night and crying. Such a relief to finally show some emotion. I've been sitting on it because I didn't want to look crazy. He's such a rational being, I was trying to be the same. We are so different, he hadn't 'realised' I would be upset talking to that woman. Hadn't occurred to him that we would have been the same number of weeks. Not sure where we go from here, but at least I was able to release a little bit of the volcano that's been bubbling away in my chest. Feel shattered and off to work now... Gx

OP posts:

YanknCock · 01/03/2010 10:52

Glad you let some of it out. You may want to warn him around the anniversary of your due date as well, I found that particularly hard. My DH didn't really get it, especially because I was already pregnant again. But it was still a sad emotional day.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2010 11:26

look after yourself x

Flip