What do you say to people who "just can't afford" the other baby they want'??

[bb99]

Hello

OK so what do you say to people who you care about (SIL) and are very tired (new baby) and just keep going on about how this is their last baby and the last chance they'll have to BF/cuddle/give birth/do teething/have mat leave/on and on etc etc because the "CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER ONE..."?

I am fed up with empathising as she so CAN have another baby if she wanted to - no probs with mcs or getting pg or anything, she is making an informed CHOICE, therefore surely CANNOT does not come into it.

It really is annoying me now, as DH and I are facing the very real possability that DC2 (for me, DC1 for him) really could be our last, as my body is just sooo talented at not going the full 9 months and there's no definative answer or solution for what's been happening to our babies. (2/5 success rate so far). We really may be in the position of CAN'T have another one and always thought we'd have 2 or 3 more kids .

What would you say to her? I'm resisting the urge, as I know she's really hormonal and tired atm, to start screaming "LOOK you stupid woman, you CAN have another baby if only you moved to a different area/spent less on alcohol/traded in your expensive pedegree dog for a hamster/stopped having at least 1 foreign holiday a year plus another one in the UK/spent your money on having another baby 'lifestyle' instead of the lifestyle you are CHOOSING FFS.

My baby would have been born in 7 weeks time if only he had survived past 4 1/2 months.

Sorry to hear about your baby, I know you must feel awful. I nearly lost mine during the delivery, and know what I would feel if she hadn't survived.
To you SIL, I would just say, 'it's too soon, see how you feel in another year'. I think there really is no point getting into a longer discussion, as you pointed out she is hormonal and tired.

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby.

We had a different issue to yours - infertility rather than miscarriage - but I went through very similar things. Does your SIL know about your losses? If so, I can't believe how insensitive she is! We didn't tell, so it was just people saying daft things and I couldn't really blame them.

My strategy was to smile and nod and move the conversation on, and then go home and cry. And have a good rant on the internet where there would be people who understood how much pain I was in.

I agree with div22c and mrsstittle when the suggest moving the conversation on. I understand how difficult it much be for you to hear her say such things, when if you had the the luxury choice, you'd choose more children.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

In your shoes, I would try very hard to say nothing to your SIL. She is probably exhausted and hormonal and not able to think straight about the impact on you of what she says. Having said that, I can completely see how frustrating and difficult her comments must be for you.

I had four miscarriages and found it very difficult to deal with some of the comments people made in the months after the losses. Particularly after the last one, I was very angry as well as sad. Nearly everyone seemed to make thoughtless comments. However, in hindsight I realise that this was more about my feelings than about genuine insensitivity. I was incandescent with rage over a comment one friend made, and now I can see that actually she meant no harm and was actively trying to help.

Losing a baby at any stage is bloody horrible and it can take a long time to come to terms with. It is very difficult for those who have not experienced it to really understand it.

bb99 let me start by saying that I am very sorry to hear about your loss. (My success rate is not much better at 4 dcs and 6 miscarried babies.)

I don't have any brilliant advice but I can empathise; I sat through the same conversations with a friend last weekend. To make it slightly more frustrating/confusing the 'poor me I might never be able to afford another child' was interspersed with updates on the latest home renovations and the up-coming loft conversion.

This friend does know that I just miscarried at 19 1/2 weeks and required a C-Section... That is one of the reasons that she came 'round.

I am getting to the point where I am less restrained and more inclined to offer my true opinion but I don't suppose that I will keep any friends that way.

It seems unlikely that your sil would actually hear what you are saying but it couldn't hurt to tell her that their situation might change. (If you are feeling especially brave you could even make some of the suggestions you have listed here.) Do you think that she knows how hurtful you find it when she speaks that way? I do agree that she is likely feeling hormonal and exhausted so not in the best frame of mind to consider your feelings but that does not mean that you need to sit and listen to it endlessly.

I hope that you make it through the next few challenging weeks and that eventually you manage to have another dc.

If one salary doesn't cover their mortgage etc and therefore they both have to work full time, maybe she genuinely can't afford another baby? Nursery fees would be, say, £12k a year. That's easily a lot more than one foreign and one GB holiday a year, a dog and a few bottles of wine.

Perhaps in a way she's hurting as much as you are.

Financially there are usually ways around things though, aren't there? If push really came to shove. There are lots of Mums on MN who have had an accidental third child and have been very shocked, but then found ways to cope.

I think that the SIL genuinely feels that she can't afford another, and she's probably just tired and hormonal and saying stuff without thinking. Which is why I would never recommend actually telling her that she is an insensitive loon. But I don't see how the SIL's situation can be anywhere near as bad as losing three babies.

You're right of course, Mouse.

I recently had an unplanned pregnancy that ended in MC. There is no way (and I mean that) that we could afford to "choose" to have dc2 - having spent weeks and weeks building complex spreadsheets trying to make it work somehow when I was pregnant I'm pretty clear about that. But yes, had I not had the MC we'd have had to make it work. The MC was only a few months ago so it's still pretty raw but I'm going to have to get over the fact that that was almost certainly my last chance to have another child. I've wanted dc2 for the best part of 9 years but I do have one amazing ds. I'm lucky.

I agree that the SIL is being extraordinarily insensitive, particularly with the OP having had a MC so recently. I guess she's tired and hormonal. She needs to be told though just how inappropriate it is of her to discuss this with the OP.

Cadmum - I am so sorry for your recent loss. I recognise your name from some other posts. I am so, so sorry, especially winding up with a c-section and hope you are feeling as well as you can.

I was thinking of going along the lines of 'oh well, you wouldn't be planning to get pg for another year anyway, so a lot can change in a year and you're always told NOT to make any life changing decisions too quickly after having a baby, so you don't need to think about this or worry about this at the moment (or keep talking about it)'

Otter, I agree that she is having to come to terms with stuff (BTW 1FT 1PT working covers their mortgage and other financial habits, plus they live in a really expensive area) as we all do over the course of our lives. If any of us did really wait until we could afford a child, we'd never have any children. She could juggle some things, just as you were planning to do, she would just prefere to spend her money on something other than a third child. I don't begrudge her this decision and wish her well with it, I just wish she would appreciate that she is actually making an informed choice. It's not as though it is against the law to be less well off and have another child. She is making a choice and then acting as though it's all beyond her control...

BTW, I am really sorry for your loss. A friend of mine several years ago had an unexpected pg, got used to the idea and then miscarried. Lots of raw feelings all round.

I'm not going to go in all guns blaring - it's not SILs fault I had another mc and she got her other baby and I don't want her to wind up feeling horrible. I may just have to say'Look, I am really feeling sad ATM, so hearing you speak like this is very difficult' but we'll see.

Thank you all for your sage and good advice. I'll eat lots of sugar before I go, so I'm not quite as bitter.

div22c, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you are going thru and hope you are looking after yourself.