Need advice: moving on after stillbirth at 27 weeks

[SleeplesInTown]

I lost a baby girl at 27 weeks in November. I thought coping would get easier with time, especially now that the due date has passed but I seem to get more and more upset about what has happened as the days go by.

Although the pregnancy was not planned and came as a bit of a shock, I was really, really happy when I found out, especially since, at the same time, I also found out by chance that I have a rare disorder that may make it very difficult (if not impossible) for me to have children and so being pregnant just felt like such a miracle.

All I can think of now is that I would like to try and have another baby as soon as possible, or at least know when that may be. I have always really wanted children but I suppose I never allowed myself to think about this properly until I finished education and then had a job etc. But now that I have lost a child, none of this seems to matter anymore. Especially now that I know that given my health, it will never be easy and that I am not getting any younger and the fear of something going wrong again will always be here until (if ever) I have a baby in my hands.

What I don't know how to deal with is that my DP wants us to go back to how life was before. He does not really want to discuss the baby topic but when we have done, he says he definitely wants children together but eventually and he does not know when that may be. And I find this really devastating and don't know how to cope with uncertainty and the thought of maybe never having a child. I feel that he does not feel the urge to get on with things because he already has a five year old daughter by a previous relationship.

So, I can't help but feel really alone in respect to wanting a child and all DP can say on the subject is that I should go back to work as soon as possible and try and get over what's happened and it will be good for me. To me that feels like giving up on all my hopes in life somehow (even though I love my job and do want to go back but just not as a priority to having a family anymore). I just don't know how to stop myself wanting another child and just be fine.

Didn't want to read and not post. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I can't imagine how awful it is

You come across as a very self-aware and articulate person, but it sounds like your DP for whatever reason just isn't hearing you clearly. He may be finding it easier to deal with his grief by just getting on and not exploring his feelings, which might be making him think that it would be easier if you did this too. I think men can find it hard to understand a woman's different perspective on the baby-making timeframe at the best of times; your particular health issue is another layer of complication on top of this.

Grief makes communicating so much harder. I don't know what to suggest for the best, unfortunately, but I wish you all the best and hope you can start to find your way through this horrible situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss, that sounds truly awful.

I had a termination at 23 weeks following a scan that showed very serious abnormalities. I know its not exactly the same situation but I do understand the grief. Like you the pregnancy was a surprise that I came round to.

I was also desperate to be pregnant again and it did take over my life a bit. I did eventually get pg after 6 months and I honestly think that until then my body was in some kind of 'shut-down' while I recovered. It may be that your DP is coping by having a mental'shut down' about the subject.

You need to have a clear conversation where you both lay all cards on the table and maybe put a timeframe on it. And then if you agree to talk again about trying in say, 2 months you have to stick to that, torturous as it may be. He has to be honest if he really wants to wait say, years not months and then you need to decide whether you're willing to wait even if that means you accepting that you may not get pregnant again. Harsh as it sounds, a choice between him and the possibility of a baby sooner if you met someone else.

Incidentally, I think it may be good to try going back to work. In no way is that giving up on your plans, but a slow return to normal life. And I found working did at least use up some headspace.

Good luck, it does get easier I promise. x

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter Sleeples.

I have lost a son and have heard the phrase 'move on' far too many times. Move on to where? Where exactly do people expect you to move onto? A time when you will never miss your dd, or a time when you don't think about her everyday? Because in my experience that will never happen.

I think maybe the subject is a closed one with your dp as he finds it too painful to talk about. However the grief has to come out sometime so ignoring the fact won't make it go away. But then again that is how some people cope. Put it in a box, put the box in a cupboard, then lock the cupboard.

But however either of you choose to grieve, you have to talk, and you have to have a shared idea of what you want for the future, even if it's only a loose plan. Talk, talk, talk.

Take care xxx

I am so sorry about your daughter.

I do not have any direct experience of this but I didn't want to read and not post my support for you.

I think the thing is with your DP is that he feels he cannot help you, nothing he can say can take this away so he is avoiding it altogether rather than keep going around an emotional cul de sac. I understand that in your situation haivng another baby would fill the void, I think that is a natural thing to want.

I do think you should lay your cards in the table with him about your need for another child but i expect he is scared of it happening again so again is avoiding the situation. As someone else said it may be a good idea after this chat to agree a space when it is not mentioned again for a while.

If you can manage to go back to work try it, it may work as a distraction it may not but please be kind to yourself because this is a massive loss and it changes all your priorities.

Please do try and access some counselling and after care, they cannot take it away but they can probably help you find coping strategies and ways to put your feelings in some sort of order.

I read your message, Sleeples, and felt I had to respond. Your story sounds similar to what happened to me. Five years ago I had a stillbirth at 23 weeks and I still cry when I think about our little boy. It took a long time to be able to feel that I was in any way capable of coping with everyday life, but going back to work and making myself think about other things did help. I found that talking to (some) people helped (others didn't help at all) and I was finally referred by my GP to a psychologist, who did help me come to terms with the loss to some extent.

I was also desperate to try again, immediately, and my DP reacted in exactly the opposite way - he had had enough of pregnancy and hospital visits. In the end, after lots of talking (and lots of crying on my side) we did try again, but almost a year later.

Now, five years on, I wish I had given DP more time and had been easier on both him and me immediately afterwards. As a friend said to me some time after, this is probably one of the worst crises you will face in your life - don't expect too much too soon.

HI I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost 2 girls, one at 23 weeks and one at 20 weeks (different reasons). It was utterly devastating and took me a long long time to get over it both times. Life was just sheer pain for a good year. Seeing other friends who were due at the same time was so hard. I also was desperate to be pregnant again but DH was reluctant. In both cases he came round to the idea pretty soon. I too found out I had health problems which results in high risks of miscarriage and stillbirth, pregnancy was a nightmare and involved alot of intervention but luckily had a happy ending and I went on to have several healthy children, hope that gives you some hope. What helped me move forward was SANDS, I found my local group through the hospital, talking to people in my situation, talking to a grief counsellor. Hope your days are more gentle soon.