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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Anyone else just can't take the plunge again after MC?

19 replies

andagain · 08/02/2010 14:00

Hello everyone,

Really just wanted to see if anyone else felt like this for this long or am I just being a bit of a weird wuss.

I had a MC ten months ago and I am still dithering on whether to try again or not. I am nearly 40 and feel that the clock is ticking very loudly but I just can't bring myself to ttc again.

We have a 2 1/2 DD and I got pregnant very quickly with her and the same happened with my second pregnancy last year, which ended in MC. So hopefully that part shouldn't be a problem but you never know.

The thing is that ever since the MC I have been coming up with so many reasons not to try for another one. None of them are reasons that didn't exist when I got pregnant (the increased risks re my age, money, childcare...) so I do know that they are excuses thought up by me rather than valid reasons.

Both my dh and I would like another child, we have always wanted more than one child. It's just that since the MC I just can't do it. When we talk about it (which is a lot of the time) we agree to try again but when it comes to it I just can't do it. I just can't get over this block in my head.

Anyone else in a similar boat or been there?

OP posts:

kissmummy · 08/02/2010 19:45

yes, sort of. I have a huge "block" in my head right now. we've had four miscarriages in the last 18 months, all around the eight week mark. i simply cannot imagine surviving a fifth. We ARE going to try again (i'm "only" 35 and we desperately want a brother or sister for our 2.5yr old) but i'm not sure how to actually do it. i mean, almost to the point of not knowing how i can have sex again . so i totally understand where you are coming from. No advice really, except that you can get through multiple miscarriages, if the "prize" - that is, another child - is important enough to you.

Original poster

andagain · 09/02/2010 14:37

Thank you for sharing your experience kissmummy. Hopefully we'll both manage to have another, successful, attempt.

OP posts:

MrsMcNulty · 09/02/2010 16:53

andagain I have no advice for you as I am in a very similar situation and having similar feelings - just wanted to let you know there's probably a lot of us out here feeling like this. I am almost 40, have a 2 year old dd, and had 2 mcs last year, can not bear the thought of another mc and keep thinking of reasons not to start trying again... I am assuming we will know when we are ready to start trying again, we just need time to heal some more, good luck to you

Original poster

andagain · 09/02/2010 20:10

Thank you MrsMcNulty. It's really poo isn't it?
I have to say I am driving myself mad with this toing and froing every month. On the one hand I make sure we don't have sex on the days I could concieve and then when my period arrives I feel sad that I am not pregnant. Pretty loopy sounding I know.

I must admit that the more times passes the more I think that if I am so unsure about what to do maybe I should just give up and accept that my DD be will be our only child. Easier said than done however.

I hope you go for it again soon. Good luck!

OP posts:

HairyMcClarey · 09/02/2010 20:25

Hi,
I've been trailing the boards for someone else feeling like me. I've got 2 lovely children 5 and 3 and had a MMC at 10 weeks a couple of months ago. I really can't decide whether to try again or not. I feel like 3 may be pushing my luck or something. I'm revisiting all the debates we had when we decided to go for 3. It all just goes round and round in my head. I change my mind on an hourly basis. It's the same debates.. time, money, childcare etc. I have no idea to resolve this either.

Original poster

andagain · 09/02/2010 20:41

Hello HairyMcClarey. I don't mean this to sound horrible but I am relieved that I am not completely loopy and that other people feel like that too.
The thing is, you probably ask yourself this too, when I did try to get pregnant last year (the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage) the issues with my age or finances or childcare clearly didn't seem to be an obstacle. None of those things have changed at all for me (well age obviously) and yet all of a sudden they are the things I pull out as a reason not to do it. I am sure it that I would always find something else to use as an excuse. I really don't want to be finding excuses but I just can't stop myself.
I am not sure time is what will work for me as the more it goes on the more I worry about my age.
I really hope that you resolve it soon.

OP posts:

annie51 · 09/02/2010 21:32

I've also got 2DD's ages 6 and 4. I've had 6mcs one before the girls and 5 since. The last mc was last
oct. Didn't know wheither to try again or not but like yourself I'm approaching 40 (This Month still feel like I'm 20)
got rerefered to gyno appt last week, general conversation date of last period. Suddenly realise I'm late! quess what I'm 5 weeks. Don't know how either of us (DH)feel but cross fingers touch wood etc all will be ok this time as I also feel time running out.
I think that the time will come when things will click into place and you'll realise that you really do want another DC or decide that enough is enough no more

HairyMcClarey · 09/02/2010 21:52

That's the thing isn't it. Nothing has changed in the last few months. Just the miscarriage. Probably is some fear in there and I'm still dealing with it all. Part of me thinks the only way to get over it is to try again. Otherwise in a few years I might really regret it. The other part really enjoyed a lazy Sunday morning with the papers this week with the kids entertaining themselves.

Definitely loopy - blame it on the hormones I say!

Julezboo · 09/02/2010 22:15

Just wanted to add my thoughts.

the thought of being pregnant again at the moment absolutely petrifies me!

I had my 7th mc diagnosed on the 18th Dec. I finally stopped bleeding on the 25th Jan... Long drawn out one.

2 years ago I also had a complicated earl mc which they are certain was twins. I had a D&C, then got a womb infection so bad DH found me totallyout of it on the sofa. This all started in Feb, D&C Mar, I had the final op in Nov .

I do have 2 wonderful boys and atm I swing from desperately wanting another to saying I'm done.

I am done for the moment, Hoping to retrain as a midwife and starting in the next few weeks then I may think about it once qualified... I am 28 so still plenty of time.

TBH I think it can go both ways, your either too scared to or you become obsessed. I have been obsessed before, after DS1(had one mc before him late on) I had 4mc's before conceiving DS2 these all ranged from Dec 05 - March 06. I just didnt want to wait! Then I got pg with DS2 and have had 2 since DS2 was born and I just think the next one would break me...

Original poster

andagain · 10/02/2010 09:03

Congratulations annie51! I really hope it all goes well this time. Fingers crossed.

Julezboo, I am so sorry to hear you had 7 mcs. That must be so so hard. What you went through seems horrendous.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I am very grateful.

OP posts:

Julezboo · 10/02/2010 11:22

thanks andagain. I hope you get your much wanted baby soon. xx

whirleywoo72 · 10/02/2010 17:59

i am 37, and 8 wks pregnant, i have 3 children already, all teenagers, and after my youngest who is 14, i had 4 consecutive misscariages, and really not enjoying this bit of the pregnancy, im not sleeping, and when i go the loo i expect to see blood, i dont do any heavy lifting anymore cos of my job, and rest with my feet up as much as pos.I had 2 of my children in warrington, 1 in the old unit and 1 in the new unit, i found them happy, and always go for a normal delivery and what you want.am i being stupid, or just enjoy it, if it happens it happens. [confused

Bleatblurt · 10/02/2010 18:04

I had a 14 week m/c in June 08, and I just wasn't able to take the plunge to ttc again even though I would love more children. I also lost my DS2 at 36 weeks in Nov 06 but went onto have another baby a year later. But after the m/c it is like no time is safe in pregnancy (I know it isn't anyway but....ykwim). I can't face losing another baby. It took ages to convince myself I was happy with what I have, but I really believe it now and can look at bumps/newborns without thinking I wish it was me!

So sorry to hear of everyone's losses.

LastTrainToGeneva · 10/02/2010 20:08

I had a m/c in November at 18 weeks. I am terrified of trying again. I know I want one more child so at some time in the future I will have to get over myself and take the plunge, but at the moment I have a huge mental block about it. I think I will only be ready to TTC after May when the baby I lost was due...it sounds stupid, but I feel like my womb belongs to him till then

Dozer · 10/02/2010 20:22

Hi ladies,

It is a difficult one. I have had four early losses since my 2 year old daughter was born and am 9-weeks pregnant now, so still early days. We have TTC almost immediately after m/c each time, except for a three month break while I had tests (they found a potential problem, for which I am on medication now).

Have been through many of the feelings you ladies mention, and some people don't understand "why we can't just be happy with the one we have" etc. To be honest, I also struggle with the one I have, it is exhausting (though lovely too), she doesn't sleep well, and sometimes I think maybe I am being punished somehow for not coping well enough as a mum! Weird, dark thoughts.

My husband and I have agreed, each time, to talk about stuff and decide, each time, whether or not to try again. Every time so far, we have felt that the chance of having another lovely child outweighs the risks. Completely understand those who decide not to try again though.

A good book (not about miscarriage, just general self-help stuff) is "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers: basic message - you can handle anything.

I also find it comforting to think that, whatever happens, in five years or ten years time we will be happy as a family, of whatever size, we will have moved on in some direction, just perhaps not where we originally thought.

Best wishes to everyone.

HairyMcClarey · 10/02/2010 20:47

It's been really nice to hear all of your thoughts. Nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks everyone.

avaj · 10/02/2010 21:43

Hi there
Sorry to hear about your loss.
Just wanted to add that I am unable to decide about trying again too, and it is a horrible situation.
I had a mc at 17 weeks about 6 months ago, and assumed I would try again straight away, but now I dont know what to do.
I have a DD and a DS, and if my baby had been born, would have had 3 under 4 (pregnancy was not planned!)
Now I just wonder if we could cope with another baby, or afford it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, as it seems as if I didnt really want my baby, which isnt true at all.
I think I will want another baby in the future, but dont want to leave it too long. Argh...... It seems like a major decision this time, whereas all previous pg happened when we werent being very carefull!
Does make you feel loopy though!

angels1 · 12/02/2010 10:09

Hi,

I'm new to mumsnet and found it by searching mc discussions online. I had a mc on new years eve, it was my first ever pregnancy and we were lucy enough to conceive on the first month of trying, so everything has all happened so quickly!

I spent the first few weeks after desperate to be pregnant again, straight away, there was no doubt in my mind, but the more the weeks pass, the more scared I am to try again.

We are getting married next month, so definately will not be trying before then (we only got engaged last month btw!), but I have such mixed feelings, I want to be pregnant again, but I can't put myself through the trauma of mc again, and all that illness with pregnancy I had for those weeks (sickness etc) for nothing. I'm very scared. I keep telling myself that before I was originally pregnant, I was scared about having a baby full stop, but this evaporated to excitement when I was pregnant, so maybe the same thing will happen again. There just seems so many things that can go wrong...

There's no answer really, other than I'm glad my feelings arn't unique as I was feeling bad that I was dithering a little in my feelings.

LastTrainToGeneva · 12/02/2010 23:58

angels, welcome to MN

It's hard, isn't it? I was very ill throughout my pregnancy too and often wished I wasn't pregnant. Then when I miscarried, I felt wildly guilty that I never let the baby know I wanted him/her. I still feel guilty, but I hope he/she knows now that he would have been loved if we had had the chance to be together

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