Miscarriage - don't feel I can speak to anyone

[ooosabeauta]

Hi,
I'm writing this because my husband's gone out with our toddler boy and I found out I'm pregnant just over a week ago, and I'm terrified after having a miscarriage at seven weeks last year. I'm desperate to have another baby to give a sibling to my son.

Only my husband knows I'm pregnant and he's being very practical and saying 'there's nothing you can do to know it's ok until you have the scan' (which would be in about 6 weeks I'd guess), but because my last miscarriage was 'silent' I had no idea that it had gone wrong until I was there in the scanning room. I'm just so anxious to know what's going on as I don't want to build up my hopes for over a month knowing that there's a likelihood that it could all go wrong again. I know there's not really a question in here, but I feel so alone I just wondered if there's anyone else who's felt the same.

Everything's bothering me at the moment, and my neighbour keeps slamming her door really loudly which is giving me a terrible jolt each time, and I just can't keep control of my anxiety over it all. Sorry for a long ramble.

I felt exactly the same.
I had 2 m/c before I had ds1 and I was soooooooo afraid it'd all go terribly wrong again.
Yes, your dh is right, but that's not helpful is it.
What I suggest, is make an appointment with your gp on monday and discuss this with them and ask for an early scan. They can do that if it's for the benefit of the mother's mental well-being.
Tell them how awful you feel, how you can't think of anything else, how you can't sleep etc etc and that you just need to know all is ok at the moment.
This is what I did and I got a scan at 7 weeks.

Failing that, go to EPU complaining of cramps and they will either scan or do blood tests and will be able to tell by your hcg levels.

ohh, you poor thing, I couldn't leave this unanswered

on the face of it, you know your DH is right...there is nothing to be done, it's just a waiting game but I know what torture that is

blokes just don't understand this kind of agony, they have a tendency to see things in black and white...either this pg will work out or it won't

hard as it is...you need to try and put this in a box in your mind and just get on with day-to-day stuff

take out your anxiety and worry about it for half an hour a day, then put it back in the box

nothing you do/don't do will have any influence on the outcome, so try to enjoy your little secret for what it is... there is a new life growing inside you

and you have to focus on that, unless you learn otherwise

I had a missed mc too (and then another mc..., so I do know how it feels)...it was absolutely devastating and the feeling of being cheated was very strong

good luck, and let us know how it goes x

Thank you SilveryMoon. I'm sorry you had a similar issue and grateful for your words and advice.

With my last miscarriage I'd had a first scan because of pains which showed that all was fine, and then a follow up scan weeks later showed that it wasn't, so I'd convinced myself not to go near a doctor this time until I'd be nearer 12 weeks, thinking it'd stop me getting false hope, but actually knowing nothing is making me feel worse.

I think I'll do what you say on Monday and see if I can get an early scan. Because of PCOS I have a really long cycle so when I tell them my menstrual dates they'll think I'm a lot further along than experience tells me I am, and so they will maybe offer a scan soon. Thank you.

Thank you AnyF too, you're right, it's so difficult to explain to husband that I can't stop thinking and worrying about this. I can only hope that my tired and emotional state is to do with good hormones. I'll hope and pray and let you know how it goes. Many thanks for your reply x

tired and emotional is good, in that context

I know with my 3rd (successful) pg, every day I suffered with crippling day-long nausea and overwhelming tiredness was another step further...

Good luck.
I remember with my 3rd mc (in between ds1 and ds2), I was getting quite upset about losing another baby and my dp said "well, it wasn't a baby was it?"
I know that putting it in that light, he thought he was helping but men just can't understand this.
It is one of the most awful things, and I'd agree, not knowing anything is worse.
I also know nothing anyone else says will calm you or make you feel better, but you are not alone in your experiences or fear.
When I had the 3rd mc, I was 6 weeks. 6 weeks later, I still felt 'odd' so did a pregnancy test (unsure why) and it was positive. My gp sent me for a scan thinking maybe I'd lost a twin, but I was 5 weeks pregnant. Was most odd, but now when I look at both my ds's I know that I wouldn't have them if I hadn't had the mc's, so it's only now that I can feel ok about it all.
Does that make sense?

perfect sense, sm

I am 15 yrs down the line since my mc's now, but still remember those heart-piercing feelings and still have the odd tearful moment

but I think it kinda changed me for the best (eventually) in feeling more thankful for what I have

Thanks AF I also still have sad and teary moments. NYE was the due date for my first pregnancy and around that time of year I get really upset for that 19 year old girl who lost a baby and had to go through a d&c to remove it. That was just so awful.
My gp sent me to hospital on the friday, they discovered by scanning that my pregnancy had ended about 2 weeks previously and then sent me home telling me to come back monday morning for a d&c.
I spent all weekend with the knowledge that my pregnacy was over but I was still holding it.
I felt shit for years after that.

OMG, just realised I've made this thread now about me and that last post isn't very supportive or helpful to oosabeauta
Sorry

am sure she understands x

hearing about other's feelings can kinda validate your own

Been off having a shower and trying to make myself and the house look a bit more presentable for when the boys get back. Grateful for being given a rare few hours of quiet time though, which I think indicates that my husband is understanding my state a bit better than I thought... or just wants to stay out of my way...

What you've both said makes perfect sense and I'm very grateful to hear your experiences too. After my last miscarriage people who knew kept saying such silly platitudes, and knowing that they hadn't experienced it it wasn't helpful, but hearing what you say about making your sons possible is a good way to think of it. When I was in the hospital for my d&c last March I couldn't help but cry as I arrived and sat on my own in a horrible gown waiting for five hours for the procedure. It was a mixed ward, and when I started to cry when a kind nurse ran me through the documents another (horrible) woman in an adjacent bed loudly and repeatedly stated that I was just attention seeking. She didn't know what I was in for but I can't forget the horror and loneliness of that day.

Sorry, I'm bringing myself down again after you've made me feel much better, so I think I'd better get on with the hoovering. Thank you again both x

Hi, oosa, sorry you are having to go through this. It is one of the horrible aspects of MC that it robs you of the excitement of seeing a positive test result, doesn't it?

There is some evidence that "supportive care" ie early and repeated scanning helps woman who have suffered MCs/MMCs to have successful pregnancies. Everybody is different of course and if you do not see your dr until you are more than 12 weeks pregnant you do not miss out on anything, as long as that does not stress you more.

I had weekly scans from about 6 to 10 weeks in my successful pregnancies which I found v reassuring. Also had scan in the unsuccessful pregnancies , mind you, but I liked knowing as soon as possible so I could start dealing with the loss, IYKWIM.

Bottom line is, everyboday is different. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that the chances of this pregnancy going right are far bigger than it going wrong.

V best of luck !!

oosa if you are still watching this thread, just wanted to say hi, that I know how you feel and am going through similar as we speak.

Am 5 weeks. Had a mc one year ago which like yours, was a silent mc, discovered at 10wks. I also have PCOS which is why it has taken a year to be able to conceive again. Had a scan yesterday (only to rule out ectopic as I've had pain and spotting, I don't recommend getting a scan this early, I think it's just made me more anxious cause they just tell you it's too early to confirm viability!) and will have another one in 2 weeks. The waiting is just brutal, and I just seem to have convinced myself this can only end badly. My DH says lots of equally practical but somewhat unhelpful things.

I don't have any words of wisdom except that you're not alone, and it seems to be totally normal to feel this way the next pregnancy after a mc. Nothing we can do will change the outcome, but it doesn't stop us from worrying. I'm trying to keep busy and find things to relax myself.

Also I feel torn between trying to be really detached from the pregnancy, in case I lose it, and feeling guilty about being so detached, and thinking I should just enjoy the time I have with this LO whether it sticks or not.

Also wanted to say thank you to SilveryMoon, AnyFucker and PacificDogwood - your replies have helped me too.

oosa I wish you a sticky one, keep us posted and take care

ladies, this thread has helped me have a nice little cry

I haven't had one for a while, and I feel better for it

Hi,
I really dont think that having gone through mc, that there is any other way other than by bieng very very anxious about the whole thing. Its perfectly natural isnt it.

The experience is going to be a scar in your memory forever.

The lady who says that she had her mcs 15 years ago and still remembers is so right, it never goes away.

The anxiety is more acute when you discover you are pregnant again, if you are like me, you read into every single symptom and the feeling of dread is perminantly there.

People do go on to have succesful pregnacies after mc, lots of them do, there is no reason why you cant be one of them.

Good luck, and dont forget, you can have times where you feel happy, excited and can plan ahead you know. make sure that you let yourself have those moments as well.

AF Glad we could help
2ndDestiny I am sorry you are in this position too. Is just the most worrying isn't it.
Tbh, with my last pregnancy, (successful ds2's) I stayed quite detached at the beginning, was the only way I felt I could get through it really.
There's nothing wrong with doing that if it's going to help.
Only you know the best way to deal with this.
Good luck to you x

OP - you are so not alone. I found it incredible how many people had m/cs until I had them - its sadly still one of those things people don't talk about much.

I had my first m/c 2 weeks before my wedding, then DS then another m/c then DD. After the first m/c, I insisted on early scans at 6 - 7 weeks as well as the 12 week one. I think this may be the way to go, it puts your mind at rest even if only for a short time.

I coped with the first m/c quite badly but DH was fine. 2nd time around we reversed. I also have PCOS so I think first time as I hadn't had a full term preg thought I'd never be able to do it. This against a background of being diagnosed 18 years previously and told then it was unlikely with the condition I'd have kids - obv they know so much more about it now....

The tips I would pass on for getting through the next month or so are:

• Displacement activities - keep yourself busy limiting time to think about it

• Try to adopt a what will be will be attitude in your internal dialogues ( this is hard I know )

• Avoid media/books about pg/babies and people that are pg

Fingers crossed for you.

Thank you all for adding your experiences, it really has made me feel less alone at a time when I haven't got anyone here who say anything that relevant or useful.

In case anyone's checked for an update - I went to the doctor on Monday who went through the usual points and then referred me to the midwife. I've got my appt. with her on 24th Feb. so it's all a bit of a wait. I'm just hoping that if everything stays ok until then and she books me in for a scan about two weeks later I might be over the hump of the worst time, as my last period was 6th November. This is my best case scenario, and I'm sticking to it in my head for the moment! Thanks again x