MC - what did your DH do?

[iggi999]

MC this week at 6 weeks. DP and I initally in this toether completely, felt very close and talked all the time about what was happening. I have been off work, he has been at work. He told me he would come home if it got too much for me. Well, it has, especially in last 2 day when our toddler is at home with me too. He refused to stay off for a day, and this has made a wedge between us - barely speaking, I feel abandoned by him. If, when the chips are down, I call for his help and he turns me down, what am I doing here?
But maybe I should forget about it, and try to go back to the closeness we had until I actually made a demand of him.
What did your DP/DH do?

Hi Iggi, I'm so sorry. I m/c this week at 14ish weeks (baby only made 10/11 weeks). I think DH is very cut up about it but basically I don't know because he barely mentions it. It's very hard, I think men deal with things in very different ways. Most of the time he seems to just want to pretend that nothing happened. I too feel very abandoned. I think part of it is suddenly feeling very alone in your body IYSWIM because the little person that was in there isn't any more, so inclined to feel abandoned anyway. We have odd moments of being very close, and then very very distant again.

I think seeing what happens over the weekend might be a good idea, then you can reassess. Perhaps you can leave your little one with someone for an hour or so and spend some time together? (This is what I am planning!!)

So sorry to hear about your MC.

For my 1st MC DH tried to be very supportive (although clearly he was somewhat out of his depth/bemused by how I was feeling). He just gave me lots of cuddles every time he found me slumped somewhere obscure sobbing .

For the next one (3 months later) he took it a lot harder, and was definitely hurting loads himself but didn't really know how to deal with it. He withdrew from me completely, avoided sex etc... not a great way of dealing with things really, and it took us a long time to get past it.

Men defintely don't cope with these things as well as women, and I think they are often confused by their emotions - as well as feeling they're supposed to be there for us to lean on. They just want to 'fix it - but some things can't be 'fixed'.

I can't really remember as it was 5 years ago but DH was here as much as he could be and as much as I needed.

I can understand you wanting your DH to stay with you and being upset that he wouldn't - maybe he couldn't? - but don't make this worse by not talking. My advice would be to send him a text/email and say you are sorry you were XXX and it is because you feel XXXX and also a bit let down as you said you would come/stay home and then didn't. Love iggi999.

Give him a cuddle when he gets in. You have both lost a baby and need to have time to deal with it in your own way. He hasn't got the physical and emotional results that you have but he has to cope with his loss as well as seeing the woman he loves in pain.

Make up.

I hope you are able to go on to have another baby if that is what you want.

I had heavy bleeding at what I thought was 4.5 weeks and went to A&E they told me I more than likely had and to go home and rest for 24 hours before the scan.

My Dh was ok and kind at first but then came out with the gem of ' this happens to people every day you'll just have to get on with it'

All he wanted to know was when could we try again.

The scan showed a healthy 7.5 week pregnancy but between then and the 12wk scan I had more bleeding on and off. When I told DH he practically ignored me then shrugged and said 'well what do you want me to say I'm not a scientist. Don't get your hopes up'

The 12wk scan was also fine and the bleeding seems to have stopped but it is apparent that wonderful a husband and father that he is our ways of dealing with this are poles apart.

Fwiw he is exactly the same when it comes to any health issues/family health issues it's his way of coping I guess.

Though I could see the relief in his face after the scans so he obviously had been worrying.

So sorry for your losses both of you hope you can find a sympathetic friend to talk to.

Another thing I suppose is men don't realise how physically hard it can be - not just the emotional rollercoater but the pain, cramps, bloodloss, hormones, etc etc. All stuff they're not familiar with. If you couch it in those terms I suppose a more sympathetic/helpful response might be got!

Thank you all for the advice, and I'm sorry for what you've been through. He doesn't sound too bad considering, I suppose, at least is able to talk about how he feels - but I still have this feeling that the one time I really wanted him to drop everything for me, he has refused.
But we either stay here or move on, I suppose. Meant to be getting married in a few months and really don't want to now. His work more important to him than me - I have work too, but have had to drop everything this week.

I have just had my fourth pregnancy loss and always feel abandoned by DH. He says it doesn't feel real to him because it's not his body.

This loss was an ectopic pregnancy and I lost four pints of blood and nearly my life. DH says he can't think about the baby because he is just glad that I am ok whereas I am just thinking about the pain and the loss of my tube and baby.

I think as a woman we are thinking about our baby and our hopes and dreams for it as soon as we get a positive HPT whereas for our partners it is more of an abstract concept and a cluster of cells.

I know DH does care because he got very upset about 6 months ago when we were talking about the pregnancies but I think men just find it very difficult to relate to.

I hope you are both getting lots of support. Have you got a friend who could have your toddler for a couple of hours?

Should maybe try the babysitter idea. Though DS sleeps well, so evenings always ours anyway. He has texted me, but avoiding answering. He is, at least, giving up the usual football tomorrow..

Please talk to him as you are in danger of throwing every thing away. I know you are hurting but it isn't his decision 100% if he leaves work/stays off work. You need to ask him, calmly, why he felt he couldn't stay at home that day.

dh was great, understanding and happy to listen. A friend asked him how he was feeling as when she had her m/c no-one asked about her hubbie just her. My dh was touched by this and would now ask a friend if he were okay should anything go wrong as he knows how isolating it can feel for a bloke. We were 14 weeks along and no heartbeat so we had a erpc. I would try to give hij space as you never know how he's feeling unless he tells you. He could be thinking, 'I just want some time on my own at the mo...'

I have had 3 little diamonds added to my wedding ring after my 3 ds's but I am having a little one put into the back of it (facing my finger) no-one will be able to see it but it's there for me to remember.

That sounds lovely, Muppetgirl.
I have talked to him, he hasn't much support at work, they said sorry but then just asked him about the next work due. He could stand up to them though, he is entitled to family care if he didn't want to say it was for his feelings it could be to look after DS if I'm not able to.
This was a "stop all the clocks" moment for me, and it would mean something if it was for him too.
But you're right Fab, not worth losing him too over it. And I need him to help with trying again, if/when we feel ready for that!

Sorry to hear this. Keep talking is my advice. Tell him how you feel.

My DH went on his stag do the day after we found out there was no heartbeat. I was full of anger but also knew that it was hard for him too.

I thought I would never forgive him but I have.

Give yourselves some time. People always say not to do anything dramatic straight after a birth, a death or a wedding, and not to make any major changes until you are more emotionally settled. This sounds like a good idea to me - even little things are liable to go horribly wrong after something like this... You both need space, together and apart (type thing) and time to work out how things have changed.

Thinking of you.

iggi so sorry for your loss.

These times are so difficult.

My DH was wonderful during both of our miscarriages but we did respond very differently. He said he didn't 'feel' it as much, didn't feel such a loss, didn't have the physical loss and pain either. The clocks stopped briefly for him but, the first time especially, it went on for a while for me. This drove us apart at times.

For us I think it was acknowledging our different feelings, talking about it and allowing it to be ok to feel differently that eventually got us through. Going away for a weekend helped a lot too (especially the second time as we already had DS by then and it was hard to get time alone to talk/just be together).

Take one day at a time, as everyone has said, this isn't worth losing one another over. It is something very sad but hopefully it will eventually make you stronger together rather than break you apart.

Thank you Marmite, and to everyone who has posted. Was feeling very alone this morning and feel much less so now.
I think I've kind of felt it all has to be this week or never, I guess (unfortunately) we're in a much longer process than that.
But, we have talked tonight and it hasn't been awful and we are spending tomorrow together and with DS. A (chilly) walk on the beach I think. Thanks again.