Scan on Monday, ERPC Tuesday, where do I go from here?

[Unbuffy]

On Monday i went for a routine scan at twelve weeks (although 14 weeks pg, Christmas got in the way). No heartbeat, baby died around 10/11 weeks. No signs, no idea that I had miscarried. They sent me for an ERPC yesterday. But I have so many unanswered questions and I'm just hanging on to sanity today. The medical thing seems to be, 'it's all sorted now, move on with your life', but it's not that simple. How do I deal with this thing? I've barely taken it all in yet. How does life go on as normal when two days ago I had a bump and now I've got nothing?

Plus I want to know stuff and nobody tells you anything. How long until my next period? Or until we can have sex - or even try again? How long before all the medical information gets passed on - I had a letter about an antinatal appointment this morning and it nearly destroyed me (too soon to expect it not to happen quite yet, I know!)? And how long until the pain stops - physically if not mentally?

Appologies for long post. I'm so lost right now.

Hi Unbuffy,

So sorry you are going through this. I had almost exactly the same as you (though I did suspect something was wrong and didn't want to believe it). Went three days before my 12 week scan because I wanted to be sure everything was ok - but it wasn't. I had the ERPC last Monday and it was an awful week. If it's any consolation I'm feeling less crazy/angry/sad than I was then (though I still cry at the drop of a hat). I don't know how long till you're next period, they told me to expect it in the next 4-8 weeks and not to have sex until 2 weeks after the op. I've found the messages on here a real comfort. It helps to know you're not going through it alone. Last week I was so angry, now it's unexplained anxiety - literally wakes me up in the night - I'm hoping that too will pass. Hang in there... Gx

I just feel so angry and confused, and haven't had time to take it all in yet. The hospital was so stressful - it took 13 1/2 hours in the ward to do a 10 minute proceedure and nobody told us what was going on for hours at a time. dh was spitting teeth by the time we headed home... at 11pm. And I just... dunno... don't quite understand what's going on (self-pitying sniff). Just trying to keep it all together... Thanks for support though. It really helps to talk and hear about it - it does seem to be a total taboo especially among medical people funnily enough. (rant...)

My sincerest condolences for your loss. I went through the same thing too - I thought I was fine once I got past the magical 12 week mark and had told all my family, friends and work. But then a few days before my booked scan I started spotting at the weekend so went to A&E, got sent home to "rest" and then back to the EPU on the monday. I had to wait a week for an ERPC - mostly because I was in denial about what was happening and was not ready to go through the op.

I was off work for about 2 weeks from the initial spotting - 1 week while I rested and then another week after the op. I got my first period about 5 weeks after the op - I don't think we had sex for a couple of weeks after. A friend who went through the same thing after me got pregnant in the month after her ERPC and so never had a next period - she had a very healthy baby - so if you want to know if that is possible then yes it is.

Give yourself time to grieve over your lost pregnancy - and do whatever feels right for you. I blubbed solidly for about 2 weeks until I couldn't do it anymore. Then I had a bit of a relapse when I got my first period. I thought I would be worse around the time of my due date - but even though I still was not pregnant again at that time it was not as bad as I thought it would be.

It took me a while to get pregnant again - but that was down to pcos. My next 3 pregancies have all been fine since then.

I hope this has helped - ask any other questions you want to know.

So sorry for your loss. Your hospital has handled this very badly - it really doesn't have to be like that. You will feel very up and down for a while - as well as the emotion of loss, your hormones will take time to settle, so if you start to feel better and then have a sudden crash, that may well be hormones.

Take folic acid so that there's some in your system before you get pregnant again. Cry when you need to - do things in your own time, nobody else's. You may find you want to do something to mark your baby's life - some people get plants, or little bracelets, etc. Your due date may be something you dread as it comes closer, but as a rule people find it's not as bad as they feared.

And keep posting here - there are many people who've been through the same thing, and will offer lots of support.

Oh, and call the Miscarriage Association with questions if you want. I haven't used them, but hear they are very good.

Just need the support really, people keep saying 'it just happens' and the medical people are sooooooo patronising and it's so ridiculously lonely. One minute there's someone else in there (if you see what i mean) the next thing i find out that it's not actually been there for weeks. it's horrible. I thought there was a baby there, and instead there was a... well, whatever it is when it stops being a baby. All that love on a thing that's no longer there. And now there's nothing at all.

Sorry about offload, a bit emotional. I was all right this morning. It's all swings and roundabouts.

There was a baby, and it died, and that's bloody sad. And it may statistically " just happen" but when it happens to you it is utterly heartbreaking. That little one was your baby, and you loved him/her, and were all excited - to have all that taken away is so awful.

It's good to offload - never apologise for that. It's only Wednesday! So much has happened to you, and it will take you a while to process it all. Be gentle on yourself, and on each other.

Will you be seeing your GP again soon Unbuffy? It does feel like you are just sort of chucked "out there" to get back on with things. I have miscarried this week, after a much shorter time though (6 weeks) but, as I keep telling myself, it was still "long enough" - long enough to plan for next year, long enough to know the due date, long enough to talk to him/her ... and then they tell you in the EPU that you'll feel fine once your hormones have dropped down. Yeah right. "Fortunately" for me I already have a therapist due to PND, but I was offered nothing from hospital, not even a leaflet.
Not being much help OP I'm afraid, but do want you to know i feel for you.

Hi unbuffy so sorry for your loss - and it IS a loss, that you will grieve for- and have every right to.
I had an ERPC following my 12 week scan nearly two weeks ago, and hope I can offer some support? after the ERPC I felt almost numb emotionally, very disconnected - in shock I think, for a few days. It's like being on a rough sea, you can go for hours feeling ok and functioning, and then a wave of tears and grief will hit. After about 5 days I felt absolutely phsyically and mentally exhausted though - it really does take its toll physically.
What has helped is this board, looking after myself a bit - staying in bed, retail therapy etc
I have had sex for the first time recently (sorry if TMI)and cried most of the time If you'd told me last week I would have sex so soon I wouldn't have believed it.
Finding someone who has been through it is very helpful - they understand completely. Miscarriage Association website and leaflets also really helpful.
Just be kind to yourself xxx

unbuffy am so sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to post that this happened to me also; scan at 12+6 on the Monday, baby had died at 11+6.... I had had no inkling at all - my first pregnancy had been trouble free (except explaining to my sister who went to the scan with me that it was possible... "just like Katie Price" who had been in the paper about her MMC the week before). I went to the EPU on the Tues and was booked for my ERPC on the Weds.

I felt ok at first, physically really fine straight away, but it was in the next few months that I struggled with my loss. I started TTC after my first period after the ERPC and on cycle 4 got another BFP. I am 7 weeks tomorrow. Anxious about what might/can go wrong but resigned to "it is what it is"....

It is like any loss, so very personal, so I wouldn't presume to advise or say how you should feel. But take your time, take all the support you need and you will come to terms with this in time.

Thanks Clareanna, and yes the board does help. I feel knackered today, very wobbly and weird and sore. Probably a good thing, not trying to push through it and pretend everything's ok. I know what you mean about sex although obviously nowhere near that yet- even the idea makes me cry. But then so does my happy cheerful 1-year-old. I'm so glad I have her but she makes me think about the other one too... Silly question, have had hardly any bleeding - Normal? But very, um, funny gut (sorry).

Iggi, no, nothing from hospital, gp or anything. I phoned gp this morning, and she said 'will the hospital write to us?' and I nearly killed her down the phone! How the *!?/ would I know?

I don't think I bled much after ERPCs - in fact, we went to Italy 2 days after, so must have been ok (was pre-booked), and we'd known something was wrong for weeks, so were a bit further down the line than you.

So sorry you're having poor NHS support. I really shouldn't - and doesn't have to - be like that.

You will think about the little one you lost, and wonder - you always do. And then if you have another one you have the paradox that they wouldn't be here if you hadn't lost one - both my children followed a loss, and I've made my peace with it, but it does take time.

Hi Unbuffy, I've just joined after I read your message as I'm in a similar situation; had an ERPC last wednesday after my 12 week scan on the tuesday showed that the baby had died at week 9. Just like you I had no idea that anything was wrong, although I was very nervous about the scan beforehand and couldn't get excited about it at all, I was just scared. I kept 'joking' to my DH that it was a phantom pregnancy for the last couple of weeks, so maybe I did sort of know, without knowing if you see what I mean.

It's difficult to understand, as I always thought a MC would have lots of blood and pain; for the baby to slip away and not to have noticed almost makes it seem unreal. My letter for the scan arrived the day after my op, but I have to say for the most part the NHS staff have been totally great, especially the man that held my hand when I was crying as they were knocking me out.

Be kind to yourself and just try and take it easy. They told me to expect periods 4-6 weeks later, and as for sex, they said as soon as you feel like it. It might sound odd, but I started having gentle sex again four days later, somehow it is helping me to cope with the loneliness since the baby died inside me. I know that's not for everyone but it's helping us bond and connect.

I hope you start feeling better soon. It has helped me reading on here because you realise that you are not alone; there are a lot of women in the same situation. My pain has eased off in the last week, just get the odd sharp ache that I suppose must be things contracting inside. The bleeding has stopped also Things can only get better for you, and i'm sending you best wishesxxxxx

Hi unbuffy - the hospital will send a letter to your gp for your files letting them know about your ERPC and the GP practice will then cancel any appointments etc. Know what you mean about other children, I really wanted this baby for my DS - to have a sibling at a close age, there's now probably going to be a 4 year age gap, if I'm lucky enough to fall pregnant and carry through to term, which wasn't quite the plan - but you now what they say about the best laid plans.
Yes know what you mean about the gut - think it's an effect of the GA
take care xx

Hi Unbuffy,

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss, and also sorry to everyone else - but glad everyone found their way here!!

I echo what everyone else has said, I just (randomly) wanted to say that I too had problems with my digestive system - I had the ERPC on 8th Jan this year, and (sorry for TMI!) I had problems from the GA and the antibiotics for over two weeks afterwards!! Bad diarrhoea and so forth - sorry that's a bit gross, but I'd been worried about it, so just wanted to say that if that's affecting you too then I think it's normal, and it should clear up after a couple of weeks.

And, like others have said, the Miscarriage Association are really useful for info, I dropped them an email about stuff and they were quick to respond with practical advice.

Good luck with it all

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you all so much for the support, I just want to say that it's really helped out in the past few days. i'm starting to come to terms with what's happened and starting to take deep breaths again. Even left the house (briefly) today! But it's been so hard at times, and everybody here's been so kind. It's good to know that we're not alone. x.