No libido after loss

[mylifemykids]

Please help me save my marriage!

I lost my baby at 30 weeks last summer. Since then we've only had sex once. DH is getting very frustrated and I don't think our marriage can take much more. I HATE myself, I hate him touching me and I hate the thought of sex. But I don't want to feel like this.

What can I do to save my marriage? He seems to think that if we just have sex everything will be fine but I honestly cannot bear the thought of being touched

I don't want to lose him but don't know what to do. I don't know if it is to do with the loss of our baby but it's the only thing I can think of

Hi Mylife,

I just wanted to say sorry to hear of your loss, it sounds like you're having such a hard time - and for such a long time, too.

I'm rubbish at advice I'm afraid, but I guess there are loads of things going on - your relationship, your loss, your emotions - so lots to handle!! I guess like you say the feelings you're having could be to do with the loss of your baby, but feelings can be really complicated to untangle at times like these. Were you offered any counselling? If not, my friend recommended Relate (relationship counselling) - you don't have to go together if your DH didn't want to, you can just go on your own if you like, and might be a way of starting to untangle everything. Might be worth a try?

In the meantime though, please keep coming on this forum for support, I've found the ladies here to be fantastic, sometimes it's just nice to share. Hope someone else comes along in a bit with some good advice!!

Big hugs,

xxxxxxxxx

P.S. I think Relate is a free service, but there might be a waiting list - but I think your GP can refer you to a local service too so maybe worth trying there too?

P.P.S. Thinking of you.

xxxxxxx

Thank you Goodluckbear. Have had a hard afternoon admitting a few things to DH that I didn't realise I had bottled up and hopefully he's half way to understanding how I feel.

Will look up Relate as I think it could be of some help.

Thanks again xx

hi there mylife so sorry to hear what you're going through. i completely lost my libido after i had my second miscarriage - that was 20 months ago. and it hasn't come back. I have now had four miscarriages and to be honest i didn't really want to have the sex that was required to get pregnant the third and fourth time - I was just doing it to get pregnant. and since the fourth miscarriage last autumn, which just about tipped me over the edge, we have not had any sex at all. so that's no sex since last August. shocking. My husband is putting a very brave face on things and has been fantastic, not complaining at all, but i know he's deeply unhappy about it. i have no idea where we go from here. I need to sort it out but the longer it goes on the bigger deal it seems. i'm really embarrassed to admit all this, as i'm a regular on this board and a few people know me; but i thought it might help you feel you're not alone.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how horrible that must have been. I think you need to give yourself a break. Sex is the thing that you will now obviously associate with your loss (whether consciously or subconsciously) and it must be profoundly difficult to look at it in the same way that you used to.

Your husband will no doubt be experiencing grief in a different way but, not having carried a child and wanting only to comfort you, it is always difficult for blokes to fully empathise with your feelings. Can you talk openly with him about the fact that you cannot bear to be touched and don't know why?

I was offered counselling in the past for a very different reason and found it particularly distressing to force myself to do it. Having said that, I had a very positive experience and it may help you to break down whatever barriers might be there. Best of luck to you and your husband. xxx

Hi mylife,

I am sorry to hear about your loss and your situation. I have had 2 early MCs last year, much earlier than yours but I can imagine how painful it must be to lose a baby at 30 weeks.

I don't have any great advice to give, but I know how hard it is to focus on anything else besides your loss. Nothing seems quite as important. It does take time to get over these things, and many times it feels like nobody else understands and most people have moved on from the loss except yourself. Husbands suffer too, but men tend to be action oriented, so likely to think that if they can get you pregnant again things will be ok. Even if they seem to have moved on, sometimes they hide their true feelings.

Perhaps you need to create situations where you get a mental break from thinking about your loss and try to enjoy yourself a little. e.g. go for a holiday somewhere different, or do something fun with your husband like a concert, or go dancing. Get a new haircut and a makeover. Have some fun, be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry to read your story mylifemykids.

I think Counselling may help, were you offered any from the hospital??? I had a very positive experience with counselling after I lost dd2 at 21 weeks (just had counselling on my own and it helped me to understand some of the things I was feeling and how to deal with them and explain them to DH)........one thing I found that was creating a situation - having a nice dinner, bottle of wine etc etc building up to it, made matter 10 times worse (although this may really help some couples) as I just felt that I was then expected to perform, but instead would just burst into tears! Our relationship was so strained and we just had to start enjoying each others company again as we were just throwing ourselves into work, housework, DIY which just meant we avoided talking about things or just chatting to each other about a load of old crap! Once we could laugh again together and enjoy each others company things were much easier, more relaxed and the barriers came up.

Maybe a nice day out, go for a walk (brisk walk in the cold on afternoon will blow the cobwebs away!), some nice shopping somewhere different, a pub lunch??........I wish you luck and send hugs x

I do know how you feel. My daughter passed away shortly after her birth at term. I also recently had a MC. Lost my libido and, like Lunatic, I just don't like my hubby near my boobs. I associate sex with loss. I go through motions and deep down my hubby feels it but he is a very understanding person. I haven't actually said to him how I feel. I am so sorry that I have no advice to give you but just want you to know that you are not alone. Ypur post has made me realise that I need to address this also.

So sorry for your loss mylifemykids - I can't imagine how hard it has been for you.
I had a miscarriage nearly two weeks ago at 12 weeks after the scan shoed no heartbeat and completely understand how you feel. Having been with my husband for 13 years, I know that for him, sex is an important way for him to show he cares and for him to feel loved and cared for. It's the thing that I know he felt would make us feel better, and what we needed to do as a couple - however he has not mentioned it at all.
Two days ago, he was made redundant (2010 not our year ) and so we went out and had a few drinks and had a really good chat. We've since had sex for the first time - and I cried most of the time - I found it very emotional in many ways and really had to persevere to go through with it. I still feel uncomfortable at the thought of being touched - and would rather not be, but I did enjoy it in the end! I hope this isn't TMI, but I wanted to share this in case it helps. I think counselling sounds like a good idea - I know how hard it can be to let down your barriers to someone, when all you're doing is trying to hold yourself together.
take care xxxx