Angry after miscarriage

[MissiG]

Hello I'm new and looking for a few words of comfort. Reading through these pages has really helped. I had a missed miscarriage at 11wks and 4 days (now I know why they say 12 weeks). I feel cheated. I was sooooo in denial, told my husband to go to work that it would be fine and off I went for the scan. It really wasn't alright and that was obvious as soon as the doctor did the tummy scan and told me he'd have to do an internal. As soon as I saw he monitor I knew. I just need to know if anyone else feels so angry? It's like a volcano waiting to explode in my chest and catches me completely unawares. It's like a physical pain. I've cried more than I thought possible, people keep telling me I should take comfort in the fact I have a beautiful girl, which I do but it still hurts so much. I can't get the procedure out of my head, they wheeled me straight in to theatre and I lost it, I climbed on to the operating theatre and saw blood all over the place. I started those silent sobs that hurt all over, then they tried to put me to sleep and I couldn't stop this uncontrollable shaking in the end they just put me out of my misery and knocked me out. Everyone was so kind but it's like I'm stuck in this nightmare and I can't get out of it. My DH is going abroad next week so I'm on my own and I'm scared to death something is going to happen to him - does anyone else have this anxiety? Sorry, such a long message but I'm struggling and I know it will get easier, at the minute it just feels a bit hard. Gx

[mistlethrush]

MissiG - I'm sorry you're going through this. Its horrid, and nothing anyone can say can make it hurt less. I got asked (as they wheeled me, sobbing, towards the theatre) if I wanted to carry on with the op. Of course I didn't. I wanted to be still pregnant with our longed for first child. (Oh and it didn't help, in the middle of the night, having one of the night nurses come in to find out why I was sobbing my heart out (look at my notes - use a bit of intelligence). All I can say is that, even if you can't imagine it happening yet, the hurt does lessen. Be gentle on yourself...

[MissiG]

Thank you so much for replying... I really appreciate it. Hearing your story makes me feel less isolated. This forum has given me such hope, the fact that there are other women going through this and who can still reach out with kind words and understanding makes me feel that the world is a good place.

[mistlethrush]

Missi - I'm sorry no one else has replied, at least so far! Its just one of those things.

I now have a wonderful ds who is 4.5 who was born after that mc (so rarely get the chance to think about that dark time)

[mistlethrush]

Thinking of it, you'd be very welcome to pop into the tearoom which is based in the one child section, although there are people on the thread who have more than one. Lots of people on there have experienced problems. Its a comfortable place to 'hang out' and everyone is up for coping with the odd rant... Please don't be put off by the fact that the regulars seem to 'know' each other - new people do pop in and some stick around... and you could tell me more about your dd

[PacificDogwood]

MissiG,
Sorry to hear about your loss .

You are most definetely not alone in this situation, and feeling angry is just one way of dealing with it.

I've had 4 MMCs - but also 3 DSs and am expecting No4. I have had any number of tests and no reasons were found for my losses. I also used to think "Why me?" until I realised "Well, why NOT me?" and strangely that helped to not see it as a personal "failure" IYKWIM.

In the end, I found it easiest to accept that they were just "one of those things" and keep trying. I know I am v lucky that things have worked out for us.

Allow yourself time to rant and rave and cry as much as you need to. Everybody has a different way of dealing with MC. Look after yourself and your DH. Things will get easier, honest.

[KEAWYED]

Sorry for your loss.

I had a MC 18 months ago while I was miles away from my DH.

The anger and the guilt crucified me.
I thought it was my own fault for pushing my look for attempting my 3rd when I had 2 healthy boys at home.

I also found it annoying when the umpteenth person said 'But you've got 2...' I know you are greatful but you are still mourning the loss of your child.

I know this sound odd but sometimes I see my MC as a blessing as 2 weeks after MC I got pregnant with DS3 who is now 8 months and he is absolutely wonderful.

If I didnt go through the heartache I wouldnt have my beautiful baby boy.

I needed 5 weeks off work and it does get easier.

[MissiG]

Wow, you guys are amazing. So inspiring. Thanks so much for your messages. Mistlethursh I will pop in to the tea room and have a look.

PacificDogwood - fab name? I like the way you turned it on it's head. I really want to try again, but too terrified to even think about that at the minute. I'm going to hold what you said in my mind for when that time comes.

Keawyed, thanks so much for telling me about your time off work. This is my 2nd week off and I'm terrified of going back, I have a docs appointment on Monday and hoping they will sign me off for another week - as I'm not quite ready to go back. My husband has been busy signing up family and friends to stay with me next week so I won't be on my own - bless him!

[mistlethrush]

Mumsnet is a good place to come for additional people to chat to that also understand where you're coming from. Even if its just for pointless chat!

If you're not ready to go back to work, make sure your Doctor realises that. HOwever, you might also want to find out if there is any councilling available locally that might help you work your way through this. I'm considering whether I should go for some - 2 mc post ds and very unlikely to get second dc now and not come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a second...

[MissiG]

Oh mistlethrush that sounds very hard... I will talk to gp and make sure she knows I'm not quite ready yet... Gx

[MrsGazebo]

MissiG I am so sorry you have had to experience this and in such a rushed horrific manner.
You barely got a chance to get your head around the fact you'd lost your baby before the whole situation was taken out of your hands and doctors were making decisions for you.
You have every right to feel angry, it's healthy and part of the grieving process.

I agree with everything Pacific said and there are many,many more wonderful, knowledgeable ladies on this site who unfortunately are in similar situations.

Sounds like a cliche but time, really is a great healer.
I have had 6 MC,last one 2 weeks ago.
I've had to come to see it as part of getting the wonderful children we are going to have.
If anyone had told me that 2yrs ago I'd have cried in their face but it's the way I'm dealing with it now.
The anxiety is also completely normal, I used to think that the most strangest things were going to happen to my loved ones.
You still have a whirlwind of hormones whizzing around playing havoc with your head-never mind throwing emotions into the mix too!
When you feel wobbly, if you can,take a few deep breaths and focus on something positive
Take as much time as you need, don't be afraid to accept help.
Take care, be good to yourself and take it easy xx

[alys78]

MissiG I think I know exactly how you are feeling. I came home yesterday after being treated for a missed miscarriage, my second in 4 months. I went for my 12 week scan thinking everything was fine and my world stopped in a heartbeat.
I have 2 boys and everyone keeps saying how grateful we should be and although I am grateful, like you say it does not stop you being angry.
I had the internal pessaries so had to give birth to our little peanut. I was 12 weeks but he or she had passed on a 7 weeks. But that has not worked completely so now I am on rest for a week to see how things go. Then we have to go throught the ordeal of the cremation aswell, life seems a little bleak at the minute.
Like you also me hubby is going away next week and then off to Afghanistan in april / may, so even if I wanted to try again I can't.
Sorry for going on I just would like a feminine rant if you know what I mean.

Hope you are are feling OK

xxxxx

Sorry if I'm ranting, just wanted to get it off my chest and like you said mumsnet is a good place to do it.

[MissiG]

Hello MrsGazebo nd alys78. What a nightmare for you both. I'm feeling stronger (I hope you are too). DH left today and i was a weeping mess (since yesterday) but I feel more capable now he's gone. Strange, but saying goodbye was the hardest part. I still have the ball of anxiety in my stomach but I can only accept it. I'm coming to accept that with this loss has come the realisation of what I have and the meaning of what it is to have those I love. Good luck, it really is lovely to hear from you. Gx

[loopylou2]

Hi MissiG and all you others,

I had a MMC in November 09 and haven't really got anybody IRL who I can talk to. Reading your stories has convinced me that I am not going insane. I was so incredibly angry with everything and some days I still am. I found out about the MMC on a Monday and was booked to have an ERPC on Thursday.

I was angry that time didn't just stand still, I was angry that I had to accept this was reality and that I had to have a removal sugery.

I was angry that I only got decent pregnancy related healthcare from the NHS after I had paid £140 for a private scan to show me that my baby had died.

I was angry that on the same day as I found out about my MMC, I got a freaking parking ticket. I was angry that the rest of the world didn't slow right down and acknowledge my pain and my loss.

I was angry that in the month after discovering my MMC, there seemed to be pregnant women or new mums all over the place and I honestly (and irrationally) hated all of them.

I was angry that my family and friends were making excuses for my being snappy and grumpy (eg, "that was a bitchy remark Lou, I'm guessing your probably tired because you never usually say things like that".... one time I did actually hiss back at somebody "my baby has died and I want it back, so thank you for telling me why I'm angry but you're way off the mark"... then I felt sooo mean)

In short I have turned into Jekyll and Hyde of Miss Normal/ Miss Angry. Some days I hate myself for this because it is not who I normally am.

Can I also say, thank you so much to all of you who have contributed to this thread, showing that we are not all on our own through this horrible trauma. I have great respect that we can find somewhere on the internet where people are honest and caring about such an important subject. xx

[Cadmum]

MissiG - I am also sorry about your recent loss.

How are you feeling? The anxiety you are feeling seems perfectly appropriate. You have just been blindsided and it opens your mind to a world of possibilities. Hopefully the anxiety is fading as life takes on its normal rhythm.

I have experienced all of the feelings that you discuss in your post. The combination of fear, grief and anger can be physically crushing.

I have had 4 second trimester missed-miscarriages. I have had labour induced twice, had an ERPC and most recently needed a C-Section at 20 weeks due to placenta-previa.

I too went for the scan by myself thinking that everything would be OK. It was at 16 weeks so why think otherwise. All of the paranoia I felt seemed logical since I had been there 3 times before. I also just knew as soon as I saw the consultants face when he looked at the monitor.

Even dh just asked why angry? I don't think it can be helped. It is even listed as a stage of grieving. 'Why ME?' is a perfectly natural thing to wonder. I like PacificDogwood's attitude of 'why not me' but that only comes with time and healing.

I have tried to remind myself that I am very, very blessed to have the four children that we do have. I don't however appreciate hearing that from anyone else. That does not make me feel one iota better about losing this one. It won't get rid of the scar on my belly (the current object of my rage) or the emptiness that I feel in my heart.

Give yourself time and remember to be kind to yourself... These awful feelings will pass but it is better to allow yourself to feel them. If you try to suppress them, they will come out eventually and those around you are far more likely to be sympathetic in the early days than when you burst into tears weeks or months later for 'no apparent reason'. Don't feel like you have to just get over it. I hope your GP agreed to give you more time off and that you are starting to heal physically and emotionally.

[rileyjdw]

MissiG and all others out there in mumsnet world - had started another thread as was feeling so similar and can't believe all the feelings I've had and reassurance I needed was here!
My first MC was at almost 11 weeks and I really understand how you feel - the physical pain and loss is quickly overshadowed by anger, I found great support from a local reflexologist and went on to have my DS1 soon after.
I have since miscarried before DS2 and recently had two more miscarriages (one just two weeks ago) but the consultant says as we have two healthy boys we should have no problem conceiving again.
I am so glad to see others in this thread have been here too - going back to work tomorrow and know anyone who knows will say - at least you have two children, but it's so hard to come to terms with the loss.
It's difficult to look forward - am feeling anxious about life in general again too but hoping to do some positive things to help me feel better like take time for myself, do the things I enjoy, look after me.
Hope you all will do the same and many many thanks for such similar and reassuring messages.

[zabba]

Missig, so sorry you are going through this, I had a mmc last summer also found on the scan at 12wks 4 days. I had had a feeling about it all the way through, but put it out of my mind once I got past 12 weeks! I went through every emotion in the weeks that followed, from grief to anger to blaming myself. It knocked me sideways much more than I ever would have expected and made me realise how little I had understood before. The only people I felt comfortable talking to were people who had experienced it. I got some closure when I found out later on that the foetus had a chromosomal abnormality and wouldn't have survived - it was doomed from the beginning. At that point I started to feel lucky that it hadn't happened any later, or been stillborn. It makes you realise how many people go through it and don't say anything (1 in 5 pregnancies?). You will feel better, once your body adjusts and you are able to accept what has happened. some little rituals can help too -we planted an olive tree to remember it.

I got pregnant again three months later, and have just found out that all is well after CVS. I can't relax into the pregnancy as I did before, but feel that this one is more 'normal'.

Sorry this is such a late and long post, hope you feel better soon.

[zabba]

I also had so many people saying 'well at least you already have one'.

It's not that I am not thankful for that, because she is my whole world. But when someone says it, it's as if they are saying that you have no reason to grieve. It's a good reason to get angry!! People think because it is not yet a fully formed baby you won't be attached to it. But you carried it, it was a part of you. I never understood this until it happened to me...I found it so insensitive I just didn't bother talking about it to them.

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Hi MissiG

You have had some great replies on here and I just wanted to say I'm really to hear of your loss.

Your anger is normal. I had mc at 12 weeks, I was devastated and furious in equal measure, I think.

Listen to all the lovely MNers who haved shared their experience with you, it really helped me.

All I can add is be kind to yourself. Don't feel you should go 'back to normal' or just be able to get over it.

Take care and keep posting on here x