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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Friend's baby born last night but I just can't handle visiting...

9 replies

Geocentric · 13/01/2010 01:11

I found out on Saturday (at 10 weeks) that our little one stopped developing at 6 weeks. I've mostly been ok about it, but am sitting here right now having a major meltdown as my good friend's baby was born last night and I just can't handle visiting her right now... I know she's expecting a hospital visit from me but I just can't face it.

Sorry, just having a bad night and needed to let it out. I've been reading some of the stories on here and I know that so many of us have been there at some point. I have 4 family members and 3 friends having babies this year, so I know it's going to be tough at times. And it doesn't help that I'm the "put a brave face on and don't let them know it hurts" type. I honestly don't know if any of my friends know how much it hurts.

OP posts:
alarkaspree · 13/01/2010 01:23

Does your friend know what happened to your baby? If so I can't imagine she is expecting you to visit. I'd just send her a text or card congratulating her, say you are very happy for her but you are coming to terms with your own loss and aren't ready to visit her yet. I think she will be at a point where she will really understand how devastated you must feel.

If she doesn't know and you don't want to tell her then you could just say you have a cold or a stomach bug. She won't want sick people visiting her new baby. Would your dh feel able to visit instead?

Much sympathy for your loss.

beanie35 · 13/01/2010 06:57

Don't visit. Your loss is still new, my last mc was over a year ago and yet I still found it hard when I had to deal with two close relatives being pg last year.

Send a nice card, and if she asks about you visiting I would say that your a bit under the weather at the moment, eventually you will have to go, but to be honest you'll probably find the thought of going is actually far worse than doing it. Im so used to putting on a smiley face and listening to hours of talk about formula or breast feeding that I've become slightly immune to it all.

Its still early days, be kind to yourself.

Skegness · 13/01/2010 07:22

Sorry to hear this- much sympathy.

Don't go. Leave it till you're ready. If your friend notices your absence she will understand and chances are that she won't be keeping close tabs on who does and doesn't visit anyway. People vary so widely in their response to someone having a baby- at what point they want to visit, if at all, interest levels etc.

Geocentric · 13/01/2010 10:31

Thanks for your kind messages; am feeling better today but I think I'll follow all your wise advice and stay away for now. I haven't told her in person but she'll have heard by now on the grapevine so I know she'll guess and understand the real reason (she also had a mc previous to this baby).

OP posts:
HeadlessLadyH · 13/01/2010 10:36

Oh poor you. I've been there too and its so hard. It was my Best mate of 20 years who had a baby within 3 weeks of my mc. I did visit, but couldn't hold the baby and managed to hold it together until after we left at which point I just crumpled.

I'm sure your friend will understand, especially if if she's had a mc too.

Take care.

LunaticFringe · 13/01/2010 11:27

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MaHobbit · 13/01/2010 15:40

My friend's hubby rang to say their first had been born the day my MMC was diagnosed. I overreacted so badly (literally dropped the phone and ran off wailing ) that my OH had to explain the situation.

I didn't go and visit until I was ready - and they were happy with that. If you are able to send a card/email explaining that you are pleased for them but need time before you are able to visit and tell them you will be in touch I am sure they would appreciate that. And that way you can choose to do it at a time when you feel strong enough. Of if she doesn't know then what the PP said about a mutual friend would work.

DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 15:43

Am sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

One of my best friends had a baby only a few months after I miscarried and although obviously I felt emotional about it all I decided to just go ahead and visit (Her home not hospital) and it wasn't awful or anything. If she's a really good and valued friend then it really can be ok, specially if you can talk about it to her.

Geocentric · 14/01/2010 12:44

Thanks again, everyone. I ended up phoning - she didn't mind at all and I've told her I'll visit next week when she's settled in at home. By then I should be feeling a bit more settled myself.

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