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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

my best mate celebrates pregnancy as i deal with miscarriage

11 replies

tink09 · 05/01/2010 10:16

me and my partner have had to deal with medically induced miscarriage as we discovered last week that my pregnancy had ended at 6 weeks. I am now lying here trying to understand how I am ever going to be happy for my best mate. when I arrived home from hospital yesterday I was greated by my friend beaming with excitment after discovering she was pregnant. I just feel so angry and jealous and more importantly worried that I could end up pushing her away. I haven't got the heart to tell her what has happened as I don't want to ruin this for her but at the same time I can't carry on pretending that I am happy Please help !! x

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MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 05/01/2010 10:19

Oh that is sad and difficult. I'm sorry for what has happened to you. I guess you need to try and remember that your best mate didn't do anything to cause what happened so can't be blamed in anyway and as she doesn't know your sad news yet wont know that she needs to be senstive with you.

Not sure there is much more I can say. Hopefully someone will be along with some good advice soon.

midnightexpress · 05/01/2010 10:21

First of all let me say how sorry I am about your MC.

I've been on the other side (my friend lost her baby when we were at about the same stage of pg), and all I would say is that if I was your friend, I would hate to think that you wouldn't talk to me about it for fear of 'spoiling' my pg. If she is a good friend, then I'm sure she will understand and be happy to talk to you about it.

Be kind to yourself. Of course you're angry and jealous; that is perfectly natural. And I think from talking to friends that many people underestimate the time it takes to 'get over' a MC. Do you have otehr friends you can talk to openly about this in RL?

Original poster
tink09 · 05/01/2010 10:28

I don't blame her in anyway we've been mates for 12 years but I guess I'm jealous as everything she goes through I should be to As her bump grows I won't have one and it just breaks my heart. I just feel numb i think is the only way to explain it Thanks for replying

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daytoday · 05/01/2010 10:32

You poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've had two miscarriages - I was absolutely heartbroken and bereft after the first, especially.

Please don't give yourself a hard time. You've just gone through a very sad experience. I had very complicated feelings after my miscarriages - but they did change over time.

Don't feel awful about telling her, even if it is a text to say something like 'I'm really happy for you but you should know i've just . . . I'm not avoiding you but just need some time to get my head around it.' This will give your some time. You friend will feel sad for you, but it won't 'ruin' her own pregnancy. I'm sure if you told her she would want to give you a big hug . . .

My best friend found out she was pregnant shortly afterward my first miscarriage and was very worried about telling me. But she did and I was happy for her, but sad for myself. However, she then went on to miscarry herself.

Please remember you need lots of love and kindness, and time to get your head around what has happened. It may take a few weeks or months.

Original poster
tink09 · 05/01/2010 10:33

If I'm honest I don't want to tell people as we have the same group of friends and she deserves all the happiness in the world and I think i'm going to feel worse everytime someone stops and thinks before they mention her pregnancy to me. my partner has been the most amazing man on this planet and he is being strong for the both of us as much as i wish he would admit thats he's not ok.

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DUSTIN · 05/01/2010 10:48

So sorry for your loss.

I had a similar situation. I had 2 MC'S during my best friends pregnancy. I was eaten up by grief and jealousy and I am ashamed to say this but I distanced myself as I just couldn't cope. I then felt so guilty at not being there for her that I sat down with her to explain why. She was very understanding and we both have 2 children now and are still good friends.

Goodluckbear · 05/01/2010 12:31

Hi Tink09,

I'm really sorry, it sounds like an awful situation made more complicated.

I'm just on here as I'm having a miscarriage at the moment too (similar timings to you I guess - missed miscarriage found out at 8/9 weeks it had died at 6/7 weeks). I'm waiting for a scan tomorrow before I have medical intervention. I haven't told my friends, as one of them just announced her pregnancy and I feel like I'm raining on her parade, so to speak. She took two years to conceive so I am pleased for her, she's been through hell to get this far - but obviously, it's all anyone is talking about right now. I just feel so jealous of pregnant women right now!! So I'm hiding from my friends a bit too.

It sounds like your partner is fantastic, but obviously would be nice to not feel like you need to hide your feelings from your mates. I guess coming on this website is really good though, you can be upset and jealous here and everyone gets it!!

Sorry I don't know what else to say

xxx

Original poster
tink09 · 05/01/2010 13:37

Hey Goodluckbear
i'm so sorry to hear your going through this aswell I wouldn't wish this on anybody ! I hope things go as easily as they can do and you have support from somewhere .thanks everyone for your comments back x

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paulaplumpbottom · 05/01/2010 13:46

This sort of happened to me. Between my DD and DS I had five miscarriages. On the morning of the 5th one my sister in law called to tell me she was pregnant. It made me feel awful. I made sure to sound really happy but inside I was anything but. Luckily I was away for a week so I had some time to mull it over. I realised that while I wasn't having a baby I was going to get a wonderful Niece. I completely threw myself into her pregnancy: shopping for baby stuff, went to a few scans. There were many times that I thought I was going to burst into tears I was determined to be happy for her. On the day that would have been my due date she came over with flowers and took me out for a long walk and let me cry. I was pregnant again a few months after my niece was born and she was siupportive the whole time. I was glad that I had not alienated her during her pregnancy.The truth is your happiness for your friend and your sadness about the loss of your baby can co-exsist. Your friend will understand this to. Don't shut her out. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you can find some comfort and the fortitude to try again.

northlondonchoclover · 05/01/2010 19:03

Dear Tink

I am in the same situation.

I miscarried on xmas day. A very close friend came to stay on boxing day with us, and told me she is expecting. I was happy to hear that but was overwhelmed by my own grief at that time.

Initially I was quite envious [envy} and grumpy about it, but after a few days the feelings went away. She turned out to be ver supportive about it.

I agree with paula - grieving can coexist with happiness for someone elses' baby.

Cyber hug X

Original poster
tink09 · 05/01/2010 22:37

I think it's just going to be a case of trying to come to turns with this I just hope once i stop bleeding then i can deal with the emotional side of things. My poor head feels like it is going to explode with confusion. I haven't got the heart to tell her as i've never seen her so happy and I can't take that away from her . Thanks everyone for your advise/support. x

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