How do you cope with people asking you if you are planning to have children when you have recently had a miscarriage?

[GoldenKippers]

Probably grin and bear it. Perhaps I'm being oversensitive. Has anyone else had anything like this happen?

I had a miscarriage at what should have been 14 weeks last October (we found out at 12 weeks that the embryo did not survive beyond 5 weeks).

This weekend my husband's extended family had their annual Christmas get-together (his mum was one of six so there are a lot of cousins). Only my sister-in-law and her parents knew about the miscarriage. First my husband's aunt asked me if we were planning to have children, as she knew we had enjoyed travelling in the past, and a bit later one of his cousins asked if she could expect another little cousin next Christmas. To the first question I said we planned to have children and to the second I think I mumbled something about maybe next year. (We got married last May). We do still plan to have children - it will just have taken us longer than if there had been no miscarriage.

I had guessed I might be asked something like this so I didn't get as upset as I might have done. There was also a little four-week old baby there, so that was a bit hard (although I have never been someone to go all gooey over babies). I had thought about acidly informing anyone who asked if I planned to have a baby about the miscarriage, but decided I didn't really want to talk about it and didn't want people to be embarrassed or upset that they'd upset me with what they thought was an innocuous question.

Personally I wouldn't ask someone I didn't know very well if they planned to have children. It's a very personal topic. You might not want children, or be trying to decide if you do, or you might be having trouble trying to conceive, or you could have had a miscarriage or termination. And because so few women talk about their miscarriages, people don't realise how common they are.

sorry to hear about your loss goldenkipper.

yes people can be terribly insensitive about this sort of thing (infertility too).

if i feel kindly towards the person posing the question i'll reply something like "yes wouldn't it be nice", otherwise i change the subject, sometimes very obviously.

Sorry to hear you've had a tough time. I had two miscarriages and one late termination due to a severe abnormality between having my DS 3, and my DD, 3 months, and before DS was told I was unlikely to conceive naturally (they were very wrong there!).

But, with both situations I found it so hard when people asked me about it. Before I had DS, when I thought I couldn't conceive, I just used to say I had no plans yet, as it was easier than having any type of discussion about babies. After my miscarriages I would either change the subject or just say that I'd had a lot of bad luck and would rather not discuss it.

It's hard, and some people don't seem to be very sensitive, but I tried to remember that nobody was saying something to try to upset me, as they couldn't have known about what I was going through.

I wish you lots of luck

Sorry to hear about your loss.

You have my sympathy, I meet a lot of new people regularly and with two youngish DC I have this all the time with people I hardly knowing asking me if I'll have more: my DS was stillborn in August and sometimes it takes every ounce of self control not to shout "I would if I bloody could".

I have to remind myself that people are rarely being nosey/mean rather they are asking one of those "routine" questions in an effort to be friendly and get to know me. They are asking to be kind rather than cruel.

Since DS2 everyone I know assumes that I am desperate to get pregnant again (which of course I am, but would rather not discuss it with any but my closest friends). Everytime I refuse a coffee/glass of wine/feel off colour/am tired/go home early I get the knowing smiles or, more often that not, the straight to the point "is it good news then" comment. Again it is very hard not to snap especially when I had a mc on Christmas Eve.

My point is even if people do know that you mc they might not ask if you are trying but the scrutiny will increase tenfold.

Sorry for your loss Goldenkippers. I had a MMC in October too but mine was a bit earlier (8 weeks) as I had an early scan having had an MMC before.

With both my MCs I have been pretty open about it because that's the only way I've been able to deal with it. So I've told most people who are good friends and family so they know that we might be a bit quiet or sad at the moment.

We had DS between the two MCs and I sometimes get asked if I'm planning another or told I need to get a move on with the next (since I am in my mid-30s and DS has turned one). If someone asks me (the beautician asked the other day) I tell them gently that we would like another but that, sadly, we lost a baby quite recently.

I try not to make them feel uncomfortable but I don't think MC is talked about enough as you say and I don't like pretending that my other babies did not exist.

Good luck with TTC whenever you're ready.

hi there
i quite often get asked if we're planning to have more children. i have one son who is two and a half, and have had four miscarriages since then. Generally i'm quite open in my reply if it's a woman who asks (it generally is) - i just say that we'd love to, but that unfortunately i've had four miscarriages and it's become very difficult. By being so open I do expose myself to insensitive reactions (eg one girl said: 'oh. have you looked into it at all?' as if i was telling her i got recurrent colds..! )but on the other hand there's also the hope that someone might have some useful information/shared experiences. For example i was pretty much forced to tell a senior colleague at work (due to having to take time off at v. short notice) and as a result he revealed that his wife had had ten miscarriages. We had quite a useful conversation about her treatment!

I generally smile outwardly and say "who knows?"

In some instances I tell, normally when I tell people you can see them cringing. At least it might make them more considerate to someone else next time!

Mostly people are just trying to be social. I find that if you are a female you are asked about when you are planning. It is just one of those things. I recently attended a 2 year olds birthday party and was asked by no less than 5 of the mums who attended. In the end I just left as it was too painful to be retelling the story of our 30 week loss followed by 2 miscarriages followed by a 14 week termination due to an incompatible with life condition followed by genetic counselling...now knowing we have a 1 in 4 chance of it re-occurring.

It is really hard but I think my sense of perspective keeps me from going mental. In my opinion there is always someone worse off than you and for that you have to be grateful.

I hope that does not make me seem weird or that I am grateful for someones misfortune. That is not it at all..

Cannot really explain. I think I try to deal with it on a case by case basis. Sometimes with the smug ones it is hard not to make them feel uncomfortable. With others who I feel are genuinely interested I try to explain what has happened.

I have been surprised on a couple of occasions when others have confided in me in return that actually they too have had issues. It seems miscarriage is still very taboo and although we know it happens nobody likes to openly talk about it.

i do find it quite rude that people ask such a personal question.. admittedly it's probably cos I am a bit sensitive but even before miscarriages I would never ask anyone when/if they are trying to have children .
I just say, "well thats up to mother nature"
and then they might get a clue that there is a problem and shut up!
It hurts though, esp if they go on to talk about DS needing a brother or sister.
good luck
x

Thank you all for the helpful messages and sorry to hear what you have gone through. I think I'll play it by ear if I get asked anything similar in future, depending on how well I know the person and if there are other people listening. On the subject of not talking about miscarriage, we only recently found out my husband's late mother had two miscarriages - she had obviously talked about it with her daughter but not her son.

I say to people that 'yeah would be nice but I can't seem to hang on to them' roughly half the time I get the response that they had that problem too.

With family I am a bit more blunt. They knew about the first loss straight away as they knew I was pregnant. But found the sympathy too hard to deal with so didn't tell them about the next pregnancy or its loss.

Now pregnant again and make the comment that this is my 4th and last pregnancy (one has been successful). That's because we took the descision that there were only so many times we would go through this. Hopefully that means that if this one fails we won't get asked about any more.

Thank you to OP for this thread and good ideas/advice - we have just started getting the tricky questions due to dcs ages and people are starting to wonder (in a nice way) when we're getting started, or if we're getting started. Needless to say we had started and had it go wrong again...so now I do have some answers for people!

I just smile and say hopefully we will get good news soon

I say the same as kissmummy, if its a woman asking i say that we would absolutley love to have another child, but that ubfirtunately we have had some bad luck in that department and have had lots of mcs.

I always turn it back to them, and ask about thier child/children/plans people always love to talk about thier own so it just takes the conversation down a nice alternative avenue and gets rid of any embarrasment sharpish.

I never feel the need to be acid about it, i just feel a bit sad as i would LOVE to say to them..."actually, ive got one in the oven and this time.....im gonna have a baby", sadly of course, its not like that, im not normal and can never make that particular anouncement. If i were, it would go some thing like:
im pregnant now!
Now im not
ooh im pregnant again...
oh dear, no im not
guess what! im pregnant!
erm, no actually im not AGAIN!
pregnant......was but not now...
think im pregnant......sorry, no im not.

people quite frankly would get completely bored with me, SO i just say blah blah blah yada yada yada.

My stock response was, "not today" or, "I'm keeping an eye out on eBay". People that tried a bit harder/were more nosey were told that we can't have any more. They probably think I'm a big fat fibber now as we have a 7 month old but we had been told not to expect to have another one naturally and that was the easiest response for me to give, especially with my 3/4 year old DD around.

I tell people i'd like one - just have to wait and see if the stork will bring me one. Get a bit annoyed if people reply with 'are you trying?' - find it a bit uncomfortable discussing whether or not i'm currently having unprotected sex with my husband so i say 'not right at this minute.' Haven't told anyone about mc but if some people keep going on i'll have to just to get them off my back.