Good days bad days.....todays a bad day

[popsy1]

I haven't posted for a while on this thread (i'm using the conception one atm) but i'm having a really bad day and needed to vent to people who know!
A synopsis of me... 13yr old DS clomid for 9 months with no success. Gave up (NOT EASILY)and continued life as us 3! Fell pg last Oct, much to our surprise and joy. Unfortunately i lost our baby in February this year. We haven't been able to conceive again and are currently having fertility treatment.
It is just so hard at times. I can't bear the pain somedays (although it isn't as often now). It all just seems so unfair! Why, if there is a god would he do this??? Why make a couple struggle with fertlity years ago and make a life for themselves, suddenly give them this huge gift only to snatch it all away??? I just don't understand.
I really struggle to be happy for people who are pg, i was even jealous of Mary in the school nativity !!! I've lost my best friend (she told me she was pg after i lost my son) I hold others at arms length!!
I feel such a mess and a huge failure.

Sorry you are having a tough time and for your loss. It does just suck at times - I had a huge fuggy day on Sunday. Like you I have ishoos with jealousy - it's not that I want other women to feel miserable like I do (only sometimes now thank goodness) but it does just seem so unfair. Sunday was probably bought on from bouncing and seeing DH bounce our new baby nephew, so I can understand a little of how hard it must be with your best friend. Anyway could / would you want to be back in touch with her, I am sure she probably misses you too?

I think Gavin and Stacy summed up how DH and I feel, when she turned to Gavin and said 'It's just so sad isn't it', or words to that affect...and we're so lucky in so many ways. Like you I have a 13yo, then a change of partner to my current DH followed by a swift introduction to LMC, EMC, DC, LMC. We struggle to make sense of it all. I was about 4 and a bit months when it went pear shaped for the LMCs and said goodbye to our latest little boy at the beginning of November and I am starting to resign myself to the prospect of not getting all of the family I had hoped for, as it all seems such a random long shot for us to get things right.

I hope you feel better soon and baby dust to us all xx

PS

You're NOT a failure, your body has done something amazing, I think most people just don't understand how random a successful pg is, especially if they've never been on the tough end of fertility and pg.

Thank you for replying bb99 it meant alot. It sounds like you have had an extremly hard time as well. {{{hugs}}} Sometimes, mainly when its a bad day, i think i should be able to cope with it all, it happened almost a year ago! Why can't life return to 'normal'. However on an ok day, i think this is 'normal' now, a new 'normal'. Does that make sense?
It scares me that i'm am going to have bad days for ever!
My hubby and i also thought the Gavin and Stacy line was very apt. It truly is so sad.

Re. my friend. I'm not sure what the future holds. It makes me said that a 23yr friendship has ended and that i won't be part of their life anymore. Yet i cant forgive her for not being around when i needed her. (She kept away for ages when i lost my son, just did the easy stuff like send flowers). I just don't see how she can be part of our life, right now, when she has no idea of the hell we went through. I have written to her, sent a pre-baby gift, gift when she was born and even held her. But its not the same. It hurts too much.

Sorry to waffle on, end of year emotions i guess!!

Hope 2010 is kind to you
xx

popsy, it sounds a bit patronizing, and used to really tick me off when people said this to me, but they were right (don't you HATE it when that happens) Time is a great healer and a year isn't a very long time to 'get used' to something like this hitting you full in the face, plus it's when, for me, things come back - at anniversaries and that sort of thing. The end of August will just never be the same for me, as that was the EDD of my first LMC baby.

It sounds complicated with your friend - that must be tough, I've been fortunate with most people in RL but my PILs who all but ignored our loss this time around (but that's a WHOLE other story). One of my work colleagues virtually ran out of the room the first time he saw me when I went back to work the first time around, but I think he just genuinely didn't know what to say and was paranoid about upsetting me (my baby had died - THAT was what upset me!)

I hope you can find a way to move on. I'm really struggling with my PILs and they're not even really that bad, it was just the lack of a sympathy card or a phone call to see if we were all ok and now I'm finding it really tricky to forgive them. It's a toughy isn't it and often others don't really try to make it any easier.

You're not waffling (just check out how long MY post tend to be ) - it took me well over a year to come to terms with my first LMC and that was despite being lucky enough to catch a successful pg in the meantime. It does get better, someone described it to me that you don't 'get over it' but learn to put the pain away in a special place in your heart, so that you can move on and also remember the wonderful things about your forever baby, not just the heartache. That's what I'm hanging on to this time around, I know it does get better.

The Miscarriage Association and SANDS have literally been lifelines for me in the past, and of course all the very lovely and supportive folk on here. If you need to chat/vent/discuss/someone to truly understand there are people out there, although I've never had the bottle to go to any local meetings.

Must stop waffling now...I sincerely wish you and you DP every success with the whole fertility treatment, lots and lots of baby dust and a kind 2010.

xx

Its strange isn't it? That peoples fear of unsetting us prevents them from saying anything at all. I really hope i wasn't like that before! My DH and i agree that if this awful situation has taught us anything, that saying nothing to someone who has suffered is not the answer, it just makes them feel worse.

Yep the old cliche is right, time is a great healer, but there are times when it just whacks you off your feet again. I think if we hadn't had to go the whole 'fertility' route then the frustration and feeling a failure wouldn't be so strong, esp when my period arrives! We have moved on, work, uni, life in many ways has moved on. But as you say there will always be that baby shaped hole in me, a space that is solely for my darling son, Christopher.

Thank you for taking the time to reply on my really bleak day. I think only those that have walked in our shoes, truly understand.
xx

hi popsy

I know how you feel. Everyone around me seems to fall pregnant so easily - even my GP is pregnant. And I feel like a big failure for not being able to hold the bean in my body properly. It is totally all consuming and I agree with you, only those who have experienced this pain would understand. I am really starting to get annoyed with people who tell me to get over it.

I don't even want to get out of bed today.

xx and cyber hug to you.

hi northlondon sorry to hear you're having a bad day. i have been consciously NOT thinking about everything that's happened this year miscarriage wise, as i think it would depress me. i can't help wondering what 2010 will bring, and whether there is any hope of answers and, ,please God, a successful pregnancy. perhaps it's lucky we can't see into the future!
i will never forget a couple of months ago standing in the playground with my DS, and overhearing a group of mums happily talking about how many more children they planned to have. They were saying things like "i think i'll have a couple more.." or, "we're going to have three" etc. I just stood there thinking how lucky they were to be able to just plan pregnancies, and near enough know they will result in a baby being born. it was a very lonely moment.

Hello everybody, I'm a member of this club too. I lost my baby in Oct 2008 at 19 weeeks. I've been told I can't carry another baby. 15 months on I have many more good days than bad now although over Christmas I've thought about our baby soooo much. There's a woman at work, sits two desks down from me, due on what would have been our baby's due date. I find it hard to be around her. Just before Christmas everybody was going on and on about babies (I MEAN INCESSANTLY!!!!) so much I had to leave the room as I thought it was going to give me a panic attack. Very difficult, especially as I am in a new job and no one knows what happened to me.

Regarding friendships. I nearly lost a very good friend of mine over what happened. She couldn't deal with our loss at all - which is bizarre really as she probably knew more than most how much it has cost us. Our baby was ICSI - and her twins were IVF. I think maybe this was why she found it so hard to deal with. She didn't contact me other than one quick call. I was extremely hurt.

A year on she wrote a card saying sorry and I was pleased really. I don't want our baby's death to be the death of this friendship too. My tiny baby gave me two things - my marriage (we decided to get married the day we lost him and got married in April this year) and the will to finally give up drinking. Not that I had a problem but I can't believe how much happier I am now! (That's a whole other story!) He was so tiny but two such massively positive things for me came from him.

I try to think that holding on to anger about how my friend behaved ultimately harms me. We are meeting up in the NY so we shall see if we can ever go back to our old friendship.

I hope 2010 brings positive things for everybody.

Happy New Year ladies.I'm so sorry for all of your losses. It feels, at times, quite a lonely grief, but just coming on here shows that unfortunately we are not alone.
I know what you me an springblossom i work in a primary school and every parent seems to be pg or just had a baby. I try as much as possible to stay away but i still have to listen to the moans and groans of many single parents about the strain of 'being pregnant' and coo over their babies.
northlondonchoclover i hope today is better day for you. My bad days come and go now. How long ago since your loss?
kissmummy* i am also now thinking of this year ahead and pray that it is kind to me, to all of us.
springblossom i completely agree with you. The way i feel about my friends actions and the thing they experience with their daughter hurts me and i so wish i could stop it. Maybe in time i will. I'm only torturing myself after all. I just wish i could make sense of it all.

Lots of love and luck to you all.
It really has helped chatting to you all
xx

Its 10 years and 4 months since my MC. All this talk in the media about the end/start of a new decade has only brought home to me that my angel-bean would have been almost 10yrs old now. There are times when days, weeks, even a month will go by with out me thinking about him/her, but then some memory, date or other something brings the pain back.

Ive not been lucky enough to have another child. DS is 13, and the light of my life, but there is a void that will never be filled.

Hope I havent depressed anyone, just needed to share. Im sorry if Ive upset anyone or brought back painful memories.
Hugs to you all x

Hi Popsy

Lost the bean on Xmas day, of all days.
I am feeling a bit better, although still prone to crying at randowm times. Will be going back to work on Monday, which should help take my mind of it for a bit.

Hopefully better luck for us this year

xx

northlondonchoclover i am so very sorry, it must be so hard for you plus with the additional pressure of xmas! I hope you have a good family around you. I'm not sure how far gone you were, but one thing i will say is don't rush back to work if you feel you are not ready and be kind to yourself. I found this hard when people kept saying to me, but there is no time limit on this! I added so much pressure to myself (hubby and some friends would say i still do) of where i should be rather than concentrating on just the here and now.

I'm always here if you fancy a chat.

Hi sukie sorry as well for your loss. End of year brings up all sorts of emotions doesn't it! I felt really sad for a while on new years eve.
I meant to say springblossom, i hope your meeting with your friend goes well in the new year. Would love to hear how you got on, if thats ok? How long since you have seen her?

xx
xx

Hello Popsy,

It will be two years in Feb. When she had twins she couldn't afford to live in London anymore so she moved back to Newcastle. Two years ago we went to Northumberland for a week so we could spend lots of time with her and her babies. We had lots of talks about IVF as she had obviously successfully been through it (twins first time, how cool is that?!) and I was just contemplating starting IVF in the summer. Whilst it didn't help at the time, I do think she's a sensitive soul and knew that losing our IVF baby at 19 weeks was horrific and I think it was beyond her to think of anything to say...

End of year really does make you think about it all doesn't it? (And all the anniversaries!) I know I've come along way though. When we lost Elliott my sister got him a 'star' and we got a certificate thing in the post. At the time I was so upset when I got it I just cried and cried and DH hid it away. Today I go it out and measured it - I think I will buy and frame and put it on the wall.

Sending my love to all those who've had to live through the awfulness of miscarriage xx

I hope the relationship with my friends does repair and that time heals and i wont be so jealous of those others lucky enough to fall pg and have their babies.

I agree springblossom i think we've all come along way. Although i still have bad days they are few and far between now and usually triggered by something. Its our year anniversary on the 2nd of Feb so we still have some 'firsts' to cope with.

I think your sister naming a start was a lovely idea.

lots of love xx