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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Self-indulgent and boring, but this time last year I was pregnant... again!

17 replies

Isawlissiekissingsantaclaus · 28/12/2009 17:40

and once again we have no baby to show for it, had another mc since and really, reallyt fed up. we decided to stop trying. it was destroying me and I cant cope physically with another go on the roundabout, but Im really struggling with it. colleagues are going on mat leave and having babies. scummy cousin has probably had her little one by now.

meanwhile I am stuck in purgatory. people ask me when we will have another so i have to either embarrass them or trot out some shite about "we'll see - labour hurts".

dh goes into RAF on 20th and Im scared aboutr that, will miss him dreadfully. lil sis has moved back up to co durham. and i just feel v sad.

OP posts:

SpringBlossom · 28/12/2009 18:05

aw really really sorry. I've thought about my lost baby so much this Xmas. It's really tough cos 2009 is the year I/we should have become mums and it wasn't to be. A woman I work with is due on what would have been Elliott's due day - I watch her getting bigger and think, 'That should have been me.' Very hard to keep it together sometimes. I hope you can have some nice times between now and 20th and fingers crossed that one day your dream comes true. xx

DollyMessiter · 28/12/2009 18:08

Oh Lissie, I'm sorry you're feeling so (understandably) sad.
I hope next year brings you much happiness, and more tact from others.

NancyDrewRocks · 28/12/2009 18:16

I think I might be feeling very similar to you - I know how tough it is. I hope 2010 is a better year for you.

Original poster

Isawlissiekissingsantaclaus · 28/12/2009 18:30

I think its really hitting me that its genuinely not going to happen. no amount of willpower is going to get me up the pole and we seem to be moving further away from it now. I am very sad.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 28/12/2009 18:32

oh it is so bloody unfair, isn't it?

it is sad and it is horrible.

and i am so sorry that you have suffered so many losses xxx

Original poster

Isawlissiekissingsantaclaus · 28/12/2009 18:42

thank you lulu, im just v fed up. v scared about the future.

all of ds's friends at school have siblings and he keeps asking for one of his own.

ach, im just being a moaning minnie. sorry.

OP posts:

NickeeS · 28/12/2009 19:15

I am so sorry to read this thread, so many losses. I too lost a baby on 11th Dec 2008 and know that I have thought about that little one so much over the last few weeks. Happily I now have a 14 week old little girl (If you do the maths it is scary). I hope 2010 brings beautiful babies for you all xx

liahgenispreggerswithnumber6 · 28/12/2009 19:19

Oh Lissie for you. I remember your xmas post last year, and the one from earlier this year and I prayed and crossed my fingers for you. I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? My dd1 was 9 yrs in the making, A bloody awful time. Maybe mother nature will have a surprise in store for you somewhere down the line. ( I really don't mean that in a flippant manner)

I hope you and dh can enjoy your time together before the 20th and I really wish you and your family a Happy New Year.

gigglebells · 28/12/2009 19:24

have a (((hug))) lissie. Can't give you any trite shit about things improving or people getting sensitive all of a sudden, as you and I know, it doesn't / they don't, and we have to just carry on acting.
this time last yr I was pg as well, have been thinking about that a lot this week too. mc on 4th feb. We were posting on the same mc thread for a while. For now, as sad as it is, we are not alone. I'll be thinking of you and your little angels every time I think of mine.

Original poster

Isawlissiekissingsantaclaus · 28/12/2009 20:53

thank you all. liaghen, I am 31 (nearly 32) but ds took 6y to conceive. we have been ttc for over 4y now. getting pg doesnt seem to be the prob, which throws up a new set of issues.

gigglebell, thats lovely. thank you. same here.

we have a rose in a lovely pot that was planted for our beans.

OP posts:

rainbowdays · 29/12/2009 14:39

Lissie - sorry to hear you are feeling down again, it is truely unfair with all you have had to put up with. I spent time this christmas feeling sad that I have had 5 lost 'babies' since this time last year. I am still on the stupid ttc rollercoaster and should get off it soon, but I am not as sensible as you, and am trying new things still like LDN to try to hold onto a pregnancy. I really hope that you get a peaceful new year and that you find yourself being able to accept where with less pain. I hate to see you so down.

Original poster

Isawlissiekissingsantaclaus · 29/12/2009 15:01

rainbows, i was wondreing how you were getting along. i really thought i had made my peace with it but i keep putting off getting a coil fitted. half of me cant bear the idea of getting pg again but i feel like such a failure and a wimp for giving up. ive thrown in the towel on something that i want desperately and its breaking my heart.

we never thought we would have ds. years of anorexia had led the docs to believe that i would be infertile. he is in every way our wonderful miracle. but he has upped the ante. when i thought that i was infertile i was content(ish) we would adopt siblings and that was it. the second the blue line appeared something shifted and i thought "if we can do it once, we can do it again"

evidently we cant. i have let everyone down and i hate myself and my body for it.

OP posts:

rainbowdays · 30/12/2009 23:26

Lissie - you have not let everyone down, you have a wonderful boy and you are just in a different place to where you dreamed you would be. Please don't hate yourself or your body. Without wanting to torture you, I do hope that you get a second miracle someday. But you are in such a painful place right now, that you need to look after yourself first and foremost, however that is done only you know what is best.

If you want my honest opinion, you are not ready to stop ttc yet. If you were then stopping would bring you a sence of closing a chapter, of knowing that it is the right thing to do.

I know that I have not reached the point yet of being ready to stop, but I am near that point. But when I do stop, I want to feel relieved to stop trying, not fighting the urge every step.

Please if you do consider ttc again, I hope you find people able to help you instead of putting more obsticles in your way. Rather than IVF would it not be possible to look at the other options for repeated miscarriage?

No matter what, I really want to see you at peace with where you are, and you clearly are not at the moment. Please as I said, don't blame yourself, you have done everything you can.

I will be thinking of you as this year ends and the next one begins.

OracleInaCoracle · 03/01/2010 08:53

thank you rainbows, I am not ready to stop, but feel that we are forced to. dh goes away on the 20th for his RAF BT, so will be away for 9w and 18w respectively. the last mc also took a long, long time to recover from physically. i dont think i could cope with another one.

rainbowdays · 03/01/2010 20:53

Sorry if this is going over old ground, but what treatments did you try through the recurrent miscarriage clinics? I know you tried clomid and were not able to go for IVF, but did you have any other treatments eg steroid therapy, or low dose naltrexone or asprin/heprin or progesterone support?????? I just don't remember you talking about these things? If you are not ready to stop do you feel like you have tried everything?

I can understand the dread of another m/c, I am currently 3w3d and trying not to think about having another one. Fortunately only one of my m/c was physically hard,the others were stupidly easy physically even if emotionally difficult.

If you really don't think you can cope with another m/c, then it is difficult to suggest anything other than you go get the coil in.

Please email me if you want to rant, I am a good listener/reader! I think you know my email, but if not I will post it here again.

rainbowdays · 05/01/2010 22:14

Just in case you read back here, these are some LDN websites:

dr steele
dr steele again

a fertiliy clinic

Obviously if you need help to stop ttc then please ignore the above..... but I still hold hope for you Lissie despite everything that has happened.

tink09 · 05/01/2010 22:49

I've just come across this site today trying to find something or someway in dealing with mc. Last week i felt unwell and was sent for a scan to discover my baby had died a 6/7 weeks. My body hadn't dealt with this and so had to have my mc medically induced I was sent home yesterday and now have to find away to deal with this. I just wanted to say how much I admire you lissie and i can see you are stronger than you believe you are. I hope that you can find that strength and 2010 is the year for you ! Thank-you for making me realise i can't just give up. x

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