dont know what to think

[mehubbyand3]

I had scen 3 weeks ago and it revealed then unfortunatly baby was in the smaller part of my uterus (my uterus is sort of split into two, one small side and one larger side) I have three children and all of these have been in the larger side I also had a miscarriage at 4 weeks when baby implated in the smaller side.

I was advised to terminate as I was 8 weeks and the baby would not survive and it could be dangerious to me. my uterus grows to try and accomodate the lack of space but means I go into labour early. only get to 30 weeks on larger side. doctors adviesed me I would not make 20 weeks and possibly not 15 weeks.

I decided it was better for me and the baby to terminate now than wait weeks wonder when it was going to happen knowing baby would not servive. I doont think I could cope with that.

I went for private termination 2.5 weeks ago but I still have all the signs of pregnancy. sickness, nausious, leakey/tender boobs etc etc I called clinic and they want me to go back tomorrow as may be they didnt remove it all.
This has left me feeling so confused.
I wanted this baby was told it wouldnt servive found it hard enough going to the clinic once let alone twice and the other people there arnt like me they just want rid.

Mentally I feel drained. I still feel pregnant but know I am not, but want to be. all the pregnacy symptoms are just making it wworse. I feel like I cant talk to anyone as my broths baby died 4 years ago of cot death at 2 months and compared to that I am going through nothing but it doesnt feel like that to me.

I allways wanted 5 kids now I dont think I could go through all this again so I will stick with the 3 wonderful children I have got but I feel hurt that I will never have a new born again, brest feed, ween etc etc etc

just so confused and a little angry at my body that I had to make the decission.

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

When I spoke to a very wise friend recently about not wanting to talk to people I knew, who had a stillbirth at term, about my late mc and personal loss (because I also felt that their loss was much greater than mine), she commented that "the scars on the heart are the same..." when you lose a baby.

Greiving can be incredibly draining and tiring at times, especially as with a pg loss people just don't always understand that this is still a baby that you have lost and all the symptoms can just make a constant reminder of what might have been, plus hormones are viscious wee beasts at times. You took a very tough decision, which was beyond your control and I think a lot of people feel a bit let down when their body doesn't co-operate and a pg doesn't have the outcome you wanted and expected. I certainly have everytime!

Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself. I understand you wanting to avoid the hospital thing - I've delayed getting a course of antibiotics for a suspected pelvic infection before because I just couldn't face yet another trip to the medical facilities . Have you got a friend or relative who can come to the hospital with you and hold your hand when you go back? That can help to take your mind off things and it's always good to have company in waiting room IMO.

Take care