Struggling to come to terms with losing a twin, still pregnant

[AllwaysDoingSomething]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, after a very long ttc journey. To our utter delight we found out at 7weeks that I was carrying identical twins. At 14 weeks we discovered one twin had died at 12 weeks and were told the chances of the remaining twin surviving the coming week was low, around 3%. We went away and waited out the week, it was the hardest week of my life. Our prays were answered and the fluid around the baby went. 6 week on our baby is doing fine. We've had results from an amnio which was negative for Downs & Edwards syndrome. We have no diagnosis for the death of our twin and may never have.

Despite the continuing good news, I'm struggling to come to terms with / understand the loss of the twin. My Mum is a twin and carrying twins myself gave me a special affinity with that ?world? I?m morning the loss of a baby and counting every blessing for the baby I?m still carrying, such spectrum of emotions and frankly I can?t make sense of things.

Despite strong family support, I still feel I must keep my grief to myself, it feels very personal.I don?t want to seem ungrateful for our baby or the care we?ve received at the hospital, support we?ve received from family and friends, but no one talks about our loss and I don?t think I could without breaking down.

It sounds like you've had a very emotional pregnancy. (((hugs)))

I'm wondering if you may find it helpful to talk to someone who has had a similar experience - tamba (the twins organisation) have some support groups listed at www.tamba.org.uk/Page.aspx?pid=266 including one for anyone who has lost a twin. They also have a telephone helpline as do SANDS www.uk-sands.org/Support/Overview.html

Whilst you are obviously grateful for your surviving baby, its important to properly mourn the loss of the their twin. Perhaps, if you are close to your Mum, then she may be able to help you, if only by just listening as you talk through your emotions? You don't need to keep it to yourself as the loss of your baby is no less real than the loss of single pregnancy baby.

Look after yourself,
Emma

I lost my son's twin and he is now 4 1/2 years old.

It hasn't got any easier in some ways but time goes on.

I meant that for me, I wasn't trying to diminish how you feel, sorry if you felt I was.

Hello there

I can understand how you are feeling I dont want to upset you anymore but it has helped me to talk about this I think you need to talk too. It is difficult when you are still pregnant. I am so sorry for what has happened to you it is just not fair.

I lost one of my twins at 18 weeks and the rest of my pregnancy was very difficult. I now have a beautiful 4 month old ds but it is very hard sometimes to think there should have been 2. I wonder how I am going to tell him about his brother and the decisions we made to save his life and I worry about him all of the time.

The loss of a twin is a really difficult thing because you have to carry the other baby with you. I felt like I didnt want to give birth because I wanted to keep him safe with me and his brother and at least they were together inside me. But the birth wasnt as traumatic as I expected and the hospital staff were wonderful, the bereavement midwives are really fantastic, we were so happy our baby was alive it helped us not think so much about the baby that was dead.

We had a funeral for our other baby and named him and this has helped both myself and dh. Our gorgeous ds is healthy and growing despite being a preemie. He smiles so much and does alot of gurgling he is lovely. This is the best help.

I hope you are doing ok I know how hard it is.

Thanks so much for the replies. Butterfly Emma, not sure I'm brave enough to go to tamba, but understand there are there to help those who have lost too.

It is comforting to know, although very sad also that I'm not alone and others have lost a twin too. I do feel isolated as I'm not a true singleton pregnancy and being cared for as a multiple, feel I don't fit into an category.

Fab, you didn't diminish how I feel at all. I don't doubt there will hard times ahead and yes, time can heal. I'm sorry that you lost your little boy too.

Monkeyfeet, you're right my positive thoughts have to go toward the surviving twin and its important to acknowledge the little one who didn't make it. We've not spoken about naming them, but I feel we need to do more than just remember, iykwim.

I am so sorry

All my best wishes for a continued healthy pg and safe delivery of your baby, how bitterweet it will be when you hold/him her in your arms

I have nothing to add, but just felt compelled to leave message and acknowledge how difficult this must be for you.

I too had this , the twin died at 11wks, but still showed on all scans til 24wks, it is hard but I felt as long as the other baby continued to thrive we could move frward. My dd (7) talks quite often about the other baby.
It is an emotional roller coaster but things do get better.Don't let it spoil your enjoyment of your other little one. [hugs]