I had a miscarriage 11 days ago whilst in the bathrooms of a restaurant. I didn't know I was pregnant but later had it confirmed I was around 6 weeks gone when I had the miscarriage.
I'm finding things weird. I never planned on having children just yet but now the miscarriage has happened, all I can think about is wanting the baby back and giving birth and looking after it. All I want to do is talk about what I would have called her (why I think it would have been a her, I don't know). My fiancé and I don't live together, I live in a small city centre flat whilst he lives in a larger house in the country with his two teenage children. I'm in my early twenties and I'm working from home whilst studying for a degree. I'm so angry that my partner won't take time off work to look after me, his job is really demanding but I want to scream at him for not telling his boss what we're going through and take a few days off for the both of us.
After it happened, I fled to my parents who live several hours away and spent a week moping around their house. They have no idea what's going on but I needed the comforts of my childhood home. This weekend I've spent the whole time at my fiancé's house whilst his children spend time with their mum. I can't stay at his forever but the idea of going back to my flat and being alone terrifies me. I feel like he must think I'm being so clingy as he likes his own space but I can't help but want to be in a family home rather than a silly little flat where it's all about me and causes me to think about my life.
Whilst out at lunch today, I saw a mother with a newborn baby and I couldn't help but cry. She had this beautiful little daughter all dressed in pink. Like I said, I didn't see myself having children at this point (or, if I'm being honest, ever!) but seeing my boobs grow and knowing my body is confused over whether it's pregnant or not hurts so much.
I have several friends who know about the miscarriage but it's hard to talk to them because I'm not too sure what to say. I started talking baby names with my best female friend a few nights ago and felt indifferent towards it.
Is it wrong of me to be cross at my fiancé for not doing small things? I'm cross because he won't take time off work, tell friends about the miscarriage... I want him to book me a spa day or offer to massage me but he hasn't and yet I know those are stupid things that I should never expect.
This is all such a shock and I never thought I'd experience miscarriage. Life feels different now and I'm not what to do or say to people- even those who don't know.
My boobs are growing, I'm craving ginger, my tummy is swollen, I'm constantly tired and my hormones are going crazy. My doctor said the pregnancy symptoms/hormones will be inside my body for a long while but it scares me to think I have to go on like this for any longer. I have severe cramps, vaginal pain and moodswings.
If I could change things, I'd make my fiancé and I take a step back from our busy lives and embrace everything so much more. If I could change things, I'd make the miscarriage never happen and I'd happily give birth to a beautiful little thing whether it meant interupting my work or studies. I crave it/her back. I want it/her so much it pains me.