Offloading and feeling sorry for myself...

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Hello

You don't have to read...

Feel a bit of a fraud greiving my son's second trimester micarriage (only 18+ wks) - some of you may have seen other threads! We have the funeral on Monday .

I am trying really hard not to lose the plot as I did the first time I had a LMC, at the same time in the pg, followed by EMC and being relatively successful Managed another DC since then!

Quite hard at the moment - getting a bit too focused on what will happen on Monday, just driving on the road near the Crematorium brings back a LOT of memories from 3+ years ago, had to do that yesterday and dropped some things off at the funeral home - they remembered us from 'last time' Not sure it's a good kind of repeat business to be . Also have some errands to do today for Monday - not out of pyjamas yet, obviously trying to avoid doing anything... And I have got to go in for a scan this pm as I'm having some problems with still bleeding.

Dreading the scan - first time back to the hospital, I always find it really hard (daft I know) and it will wind up a trans-vaginal scan. Also don't know what's worse, being stuffed full of more hormones, possible with a ERPC, or just carrying on bleeding - with the haematoma I had during the pg (NOT the cause of the mc-placenta problems is where my money is) it will be about 12 weeks in total now and I think I am starting to run out of iron......

My 2 DCs who are in my arms, not just my heart, are coming to the funeral and then it will only be DP and myself - don't really want to share this with the rest of the world IYSWIM.

I know it 'gets better' or atleast more manageable with time - I was only really thinking about my other 2 forever babies at anniversaries or poignant moments until this happened, but at the moment am finding it a bit tricky...

Just feel so sad and could do without this at the moment as I feel other dcs are getting a bit of a raw deal. Spent most of last night after I went to bed just crying and I really don't like feeling like this.

Anyway, must go and shine sink, follow my flight plan and try to get some of these errands done, so I can take youngest DC out for lunch and some fun...

Sorry to offload, it's just all so boring now and I can't really believe it's happened again. Dumb I know.

Hope your days are kind xx

Am so very sorry x

Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear this. Hope you have better days to come.

Sorry to hear this. Do understand how u feel and how upset it is. I lost my baby in March and did have a funeral too.

I have been where you are, twice as well...

Take it one hour at a time. Everything you describe sounds familiar and perfectly reasonable. A funeral for your own unborn is not something that you ever expect to endure. When we lost our twin boys at 16 1/2 weeks, I also thought that I would only want my children and dh at the service but we ended up asking a friend to come along with us to the funeral. I still find it a comfort that she knows what our family have been through.

Don't feel daft for dreading the trip to the hospital. It will be hard and even under the best of circumstances a trans-vaginal scan feels invasive and uncomfortable. Try not to be hard on yourself. Do you happen to have a friend that might be able to go with you to the hospital even just to hold your hand in the waiting room?

I would be happy to talk through the ERPC or letting nature run its course options with you but it would seem that everyone has different opinions and experiences to back up their choices. The iron issue is very tricky and it might be worth trying Floradix or asking for a blood test to confirm your suspicions but maybe your body is just trying to encourage you to rest?

Nothing you have said sounds boring and you have every right to feel as sad and full of disbelief as you currently feel. A small part of you will always be consumed by these feelings but it does get better with time.

I am very sorry that all I can offer is words and a sympathetic ear but I am happy to offer those.

Wishing you peace in the coming days.

Thank you all for being so kind. Sorry for all our losses

Feeling much better now, though I know it won't last for too long. Just trying to let it all out in dribs and drabs....rather than the extreme overwhelming way it was last time...one day, one hour, one tear at a time.

GaGagirl sorry for your loss this year, I had a funeral in March (several years ago), as my first little one not to make it passed in February. I'll always remember the blackthorn blossom, there's tons of it around here and, ironically, some of it is out in flower just down the road from me at the moment!

Scan showed I don't need an ERPC atleast, but they can't see why I'm still bleeding. Could be an infection as the lining looks a bit uneven in one place, but have just finished a massive load of anti-biotics, so I'm hoping it's just the hormones I took to help our wee man into the world when we found out he had passed and that it will resolve itself soon.

Thanks for offer of talking through ERPC Cadmum, that's something I'm yet to experience - so many things the books don't tell you

Had hoped for a cycle before consultant appointment at the end of January, but looks like another one of my plans is going to be thwarted I'm not very tolerant when that happens - LOL.

DH has been chatting a bit too tonight, which is kind of nice

Onwards and upwards...until Monday!

Be kind to yourselves x

Good news about the scan and not needing an ERPC. I hope the bleeding slows and stops soon.

I am off to bed but checked your thread before heading there.

I wish you strength and courage to get you through the weekend and Monday.

All the best

Hello

Better today [sigh] thank you all so much for propping me up!

Cadmum - I have been thinking about you a lot. I do ad-hoc work at the moment and went into one place the other week. A lady there had just lost twin boys in the second trimester. I'm back there on Weds, hope she's OK. So sorry for your loss. It can be very hard sometimes, and then just so easy at others - life in general I guess.

Will be calling the docs on Monday (well my lovely friendly m/wife ) to see what happens next...not a lot I think, just wait and see.

LunaticFringe, hope you are having a less crap challenging day today! Iron levels were really good at last check - must start taking vitamins and minerals again!

Peaceful days to us all xx

I am glad that you are feeling somewhat better today. I comes in waves though, doesn't it?

The twins were our third loss but we had two heathy children before the first one so I have always had them as my strength. By the time I lost the twins, we had a third healthy child (ds2) and I have since gone on to have dd2. Spoiled rotten even before this pregnancy (currently 12 weeks) which might yet go pear-shaped as my losses have all been later than this (18, 12 and 16 weeks). It has been a hard slog but on good days I cannot help but think that we are so blessed to have the four that we do have and that the angels have by-passed the hard times here on earth and gone straight to heaven.

May you find the strength to get you through tomorrow.

I have found MN to be such an amazing place because if nothing else, it makes you realise that you are far from alone.