Burial, cremation or to take home...confused?

[stephie101]

Hey guys, some of you may know I'm just recovering from surgery for an ectopic pregnancy that went on for well over a month, treated with methetrexate twice then surgery. Well I went for my check up, all is well, but because I had surgical removal, under new legislation I have to decide on burial, cremation or to take home, the bean that was only 4 weeks, i'm really confused guys, they've said it costs for burial and cremation, what should I do, I spoke to my partner and he's happy with whatever I decide, I'm not sure what to feel, up until now it was a case of, a few cells joined together that nearly killed me(as i had ruptured)....any views or idea's really welcome...i'm stuck...xx

also if you scroll down to Guidelines for Disposal of Fetal remains and Funeral Services (before 24 weeks) it's quite near the end on this document from the Association of Early Pregnancy Units they give quite a lot of information as well.
They make reference to the Bristol Inquiry Report (Kennedy Report) and also state "The bodies or remains of babies born dead before 24 weeks gestation have no legal status and as such there is no legal requirements for their disposal to be registered"

Yes, do what is right for you. My daughter who passed away after birth was given a religious funeral, which was what we wanted. However, there were aspects that I deeply deeply regret but thought it was better to do the "right" thing by everyone else. It will always pain and anger me.

Do you know what guys, now Im really thankful I brought the subject up, I feel it's really helped me and you, I'm not one to scurry around issues, and have had a long chat with my mum,and now reading this, I still don't know....!!!!!!!

We have no regrets about choosing a church service and burial (can still picture her coffin with a cross of pink roses on it - and this happened 15 years ago).

Glad you found this thread supportive. It's not an easy subject to talk about in RL. xx

Thanks for all the info. When my daughter passed away after birth, the hospital and coroner were very sensitive about speaking to us about consent, what happens with tissues, etc. We had someone go through the paperwork to make sure we knew exactly what were doing. However, in the case of MC, nothing has been said.

Smac - the bit about the legal status makes sense to me now. There was a very tragic case recently about a baby who was born a day or two before 24 weeks and the docs didn't try to save the baby. The mother fought very hard for a death certificate. So, it makes sense there are guidelines but no legislation as such for MCd babies.

Ok so there is no new legistlation - AFAIK under the 2004 legistlation the hospital are obliged to either bury or cremate "remains" (sorry for the generic term don't want to offend) BUT you do not necessarily have a choice which. e.g. When DS was stillborn the hospital offered only burial, although I was of course entitled to make whatever private arrangements I wished.

I do not think the hospital are allowed to charge for this and certainly our hospital did not (although neither did the local funeral directors they recommended.

Adding to what sh77 said a baby born at less than 24 weeks has no legal status if they are not alive when they are delivered. However if they are alive then they will be legally recognised. DS was born just before 23 weeks and although we knew he was very poorly and wouldn't survive, the expectation was that he would be born alive. There would be no intervention and he would die in our arms and therefore he would have a birth and death certificate. When he was delivered he had already passed and therefore we did not have to register him. For me it is a strange anomoly.

Anyway sorry this was a bit off topic but I thought it might help.

Well after looking at all of it, listening, Iv'e decided to go for the communal cremation, seems fair, I will feel better too getting it done sooner rather than later..

We'll be thinking of you.

i had a miscarriage at 11+5 in 2007, i passed the baby at home and went to the hospital with it, i wasn't given any options, they just took it away and that was it.

wish they had given me options because it really saddens me thinking about it being incinerated.

I wish i had been given the option of what i wanted do to with it. My hospital doesnt even have a chapel as far as im aware so i cant even go and sit there.

Are you sure it costs? I had my daughter cremated and she had a proper funeral and they said that babys are free. She was 34 weeks.
I am sorry for your loss, whenever you lose a baby it is appalling X

Guys

when did this law come out? I had a missed Miscarraige in August, and the " product" as they put it- passed natrually, and hated that when i went to the loo, there were clots and my darling baby may well have gone in the loo. it sounds awfull but i feel sick knowing that there are proper procedures for this. My babys heartbeat stopped at 6-7 weeks, = i diddnt know until i started bleeding at 11 weeks and was due for my scan!

I feel awful knowing i could have placed my baby somewhere I could have remembered it. All i have is a scan picutre.

Sorry i dont like to say miscarriage even thugh i know this is what it is classed as. I had my little boy at 17 weeks in my bathroom at home. He was born into my hands. He was moving when he was born and even breathing. I had a single cremation for him as to me he was born and died.

The cremation was only on monday and i would like the ashes so i can decide what to do with him now. Does anyone know if i am able to have his ashes?

Just seen this thread so sorry for the delay. We lost our son at 22 weeks. The hospital did offer us the option of our baby having a joint ceremony with other children.
However we decided we wanted to hold a private ceremony. My husband and I were not religious so we had a small cremation. The funeral company did not charge us for the service. A humanist also held a short service for us and yet again there was no charge. I know money isn't everything but it was so lovely to know this wasn't an additional thing to have to worry about. I think the most important thing is that you do whatever feels right.

i had a MMC at 8 weeks but didn't know until my 12 week scan i was horrified then when i went in to hospital the next day for the suction and d&c.before i went down for the procedure they asked would i like the fetus buried, cremated by the hospital and if so would i like to be involved.i was so worried about the d&c as it was the first time going to theatre. i have never been so horrified before in my life to make that decision was the last thing i wanted to think of.but i chose to have nothing to do with the cremation but now i am really regretting it..! but at the time i was so shocked they even asked me i didn't know what to do and as they were trying to rush me down to theatre i had to chose there and then on my own with out talking to any1. it is really playing on my mind now i wish there was something i could do. i just want to go back in time and say i will do it my self. i think they shouldn't put you on the spot like that its not nice after what you are already going through. sorry its so long I'm just really annoyed at myself and them. :(

Evening all last week i had to be cut open like a c section as had scar tissue round my belly button and i was 8 weeks pregnant it was ectopic and had ruptured and i was internally bleeding,i had to sign a form before sugery about cremation i got a phone call the other day of a lovely lady and said that the baby which was only 8 weeks gestation will b placed in a 2 ft white coffin and there will be a service held at the crem like a propa funeral will it just be me there no other mums and dads im so confused and i actually just want to just want to do things myself with the baby if you no what i mean x

This is exactly me i said cremation but now i just want to get the baby and do things myself can we just fone up and ask x

Hi Holly. Sorry for your loss.
I had surgery for an ectopic last year and I phoned up my EPU who put me in touch with the mortuary and I was given a date to pick up the remains of my pregnancy to take home.
I still haven't gotten round to deciding what to do in terms of a burial, so the box (I chose to not keep it in the white coffin as I found it very distressing) has a special place in my freezer. It sounds morbid I'm sure but I have taken comfort from bringing "him" home and I like that's it's close to me

I hope you find something that works for you and that brings you as much peace as I it is able

The hospital where I work tell parents for a baby less than 18 weeks gestation it's unlikely that you would get ashes back. I don't know if it's different for different crematoriums but you could ring the hospital Chaplin and ask.

Very sorry to hear your loss and I hope you are as OK as you can be

I don't know if this will help you at all but I had a stillbirth a few years ago and we had a burial, even after all these years I still visit it helped me. Money was no problem for us but The funeral place wouldn't take any money from us for the ceremony despite us offering many times.
My cousin had a stillbirth in January this year and she had a cremation and got a rose tree for the garden and scattered the ashes around it.