ooops - just let them all down ;-( stoopid girl.

[bb99]

Have tried really hard not to be too off the wall this time around as all my loving people in RL are v. worried that I'll get depression as I have before.

Thought I was doing OK then had a massive hissy fit at the out of hours doc (yes, am v.ashamed - they do their best, sorry ) as thought I was getting an infection over the w/end and couldn't get any sense / info / drugs etc out of the docs. OK, probably my inability to communicate verbally to people - should have emailed! Was v. worried as bad smeling discharge etc etc and just wanted some anti-biotics, but seems to have cleared up a bit now. Don't think I should probably go near anyone today anyway as I don't seem to do so well at that at the moment.

Anyway, poor loving ones saw me melt down on phone and now even my dad has called to see if we r all OK (lovely and caring I know )

I just feel so stoopid and guilty to make everyone so worried and that I've really let them down again, wish I could just stop being so bloomin hysterical, just can't seem to get much of a grip at the mo - silly bag, can't even greive properly, let alone have another baby - lol. Just keep crying despite knowing I am so v. lucky and fortunate. Damn those crashing hormones, I need oestrogen....

Aww bb99, don't beat yourself up about everything. Be good and kind to yourself. Have you spoken to a doctor about it all - your loss, feelings etc?

Thanks for reply cathcat

Don't really want to talk to the docs right now, probably won't be very civilised and really don't want another depression diagnosis. Waiting rooms are a bit tricky too.

Am trying to stick with the friends and family support and am trying, just not always succeeding! Just want it to come out in dribs and drabs, never been v. good at this sort of thing and dribs and drabs are getting a bit ott at the mo. Poor DH is a bit paranoid that things will go belly up and don't want to mess up any chances of trying again as I think he'll pull the plug if I get too ott - he already said he wouldn't have considered trying again if hospital had been as bad this time as it was last time (it wasn't ), also I know myself, even the counsellors get sick of me grinding on in the same old fashion

Anyway, must stop grinding

Time will tell I know and things will get better with it, despite trigger points in the future...

Thanks for replying sorry to go on, and on, and on. Don't know where to put the feelings in RL.

Bumping for you bb99

Your not stooopid hun, not at all, do you know what, I know the family and friends can give as much support as possible but, no-one can understand, were all different, i was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago, came off the tablets 4 months ago, never felt better, i know I would of dealt with my lot differently in the last few weeks if i had stayed on the tabs, eg, clinical, aggresive and damn right insensitive!

I also had a shite w.end, i was awful, moody, angry and just sheer frustrated, my family and dp felt in the way, i was shutting them all out.

Amongst other stuff happning in rl, i have to say, you guys are fab, i know i can say anything here.

Im thinking of you bb99 with lots of love being sent your way, i hope feelings ease and your head clears a bit, if you find something helped, let me know..!xxx

Thanks cathcat

Stephie101 - I did do a (parts of) CBT on-line course and that helped get me over the worst of it last time (I think ) but haven't got the where with all at the mo to have another go. Don't know if I'm heading for depression, avoiding it or just plain greiving and recovering at the moment, guess a few weeks will tell.

Anyway, I get to go to work tomorrow and that certainly focuses the mind (I work when I want, lucky girl that I am ) so that will be some nice head free of unhelpful thoughts space!

Link below to the CBT site - hope u r ok now you're off the meds, you sound as tho being off them suites you and I know sometimes people flag me with depression when I'm just being 'normal' .

Look here

Thank you both - don't mean to be a drag, all you MN folk are fab!

Stephie101 - I have just connected the threads and joined the dots - maybe not stoopid, just v. v. slooow! How are you? Are you resting after your time and feeling less worried etc??

Hope you are OK!

bb99, i'm ok got over my initial irrational fearss, sorted my life out again, just fed up of one crisis then another, my ds of 10 has swine flu!!!! yep it all happens at once in this household!

I hope your feeling ok, I'm here the majority of the time can't leave the house....

I hope work helped......take care.x

Hi Stephie101

work was OK, but ducked the bullet on Weds pm, as I had another afternoon of work, so will have to catch up on that one. But it's no problem.

Just being my 'normal' topsy turvey self at the moment and a bit of a rollercoaster. We've got the funeral date for the latest wee boy and his pm was incredibly quick (Mon - went to London, Friday, got back!) so don't know if they will have found anything and it's all in a bit of limbo now until after the first week of December, then Xmas is looming.

Trying not to work too much but have just been offered another afternoon - seems daft to turn down the cash .

Hope you are feeling better and resting as much as you need. Sounds as tho you've had a really tough time recently.

Sorry u r stuck in doors - is this with your poor DS and pig flu? Does sometimes seem as tho it's one thing after another at times...Hope he's feeling ok too.