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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

my sister won't talk to me because she can't have children

13 replies

jiggerypokery · 13/11/2009 17:18

I have a 5 month year old baby who my sister hasn't seen yet because she is too upset. She hasn't been in contact for over a year now. I have tried to get in touch but she doesn't return my calls/emails. What should I do?

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 13/11/2009 23:51

Is there anyone else in your family who can mediate? It must be very difficult for her. What kind of relationship did you have before you became pregnant?

sue10 · 14/11/2009 10:09

Hi jiggerpokery,
firstly congrats on having your baby.

i am in a similar situation myself as two years ago now my sister and i fell pregnant on same day, sadly i had a mc but she went on to have a beautiful boy who is soon to be three now. Sadly i am still on the ttc journey!

I have to say that i am a bit like your sister as i tend to vet my calls and dont speak with my sister as much as we use to as it's just too hard. With Christmas coming up and family get togethers i am dreading yet another year of watching everyone else cooing over their babies/grand children but still not me. This may sound selfish but i guess the pain is just so hard to deal with and difficult for others to understand.

I dare say that in time your sister will hopefully beable to be in contact again with you. I have lost contact now with many friends as it all just became too much but i do hope that in time i will catch up again with them. The thing with emails is my friends tend to bombard me with piccies of their little cuties which is nice but when your wanting something so badly it's the last thing i want as it just makes me want to get further away from them.

It's a difficult one and i dont really know what else to say to help but want to send big hugs to you.

Takecare and enjoy every minute you have with your baby.
Best wishes

jellybeans · 14/11/2009 23:54

Hi I can't imagine how hard it must be for your sister but I know after my 2nd stillbirth that I could not face anyone with a baby or pregnant for a very long time. They made me physically ill and feel like rubbish the whole day, I felt reminded of what i had lost/a failure. I felt they were 'rubbing my nose in it' and that it was so easy for them, and they just didn't seem to understand and seemed to foget my babys and never mention them, this reaction was part of grief and is quite common in my bereavement group of friends. It was only after I had a baby that I could face them again (so I can only imagine how hard it must be for those who cannot have a baby or are ttc) but it still can be painful due to the feelings of isolation and people acting 'normal' and 'everyday' about pregnancy when it was frightening and painful and dangerous in my mind. Please try and understand that these feelings can be overwhelming and out of her control.

DuelingFanjo · 14/11/2009 23:58

Honestly, I don't think there is any right thing to do. Very much depends on how close you are and how comfortable you feel about being very direct eith her about how she is feeling.

I can totally sympathise with your sister. It's very hard to deal with in my experience.

DuelingFanjo · 15/11/2009 00:00

how much have you spoken to eachother about her infertility? Sometime the hardest thing is the feeling that other people are unable or unwilling to talk about it.

annie51 · 17/11/2009 17:32

I've had 6 mc but do have 2dd's. I find it impossible to be around or even look at pregnant women or v small babies in the few monthe after a mis.
But as time goes on I come around again no choice won't keep my dd's from their cousins based on fact that I shold have had a DC born around the same time, we would see nobody as after so many mc's there always seemed to be some sister or SIL pregnant at same time. Worse was my 2 sisters at same time and I should have been due in the middle of them.
I find time heals,(until the next time!)but it would be very different if I didn't have my DD's.
Can you talk to her on your own get your DP to look after your DC and let her know how this affects you as well as her.

alarkaspree · 17/11/2009 17:39

This is such a sad situation. You haven't done anything wrong so you must feel hurt that your sister seems to be rejecting you, but she obviously doesn't feel able to be around you and your baby at the moment.

I think in your position I would send her a card saying that you love her, you understand that she needs to avoid you at the moment and you hope she will feel able to resume contact in the future, but that you'll be leaving her alone until she gets in touch with you. Because every time you try to get in touch with her you are going to feel rejected again which is painful for you, however much you understand and sympathise with the reasons.

OracleInaCoracle · 17/11/2009 17:48

this is a very tough, and sad situation for both of you. she can't help feeling like this and the sad fact is that ftc changes you into a bitter person and you tend to feel like the victim. she knows she is being unreasonable but its shit and colours the way you see yourself and your place in the world. she feels like a less useful woman than you and thats a pretty bitter pill to swallow. i have just stopped ttc after 4y and 10 mc's (as well as an ep which nearly killed me) and i cant bear to be around new babies or pg women because i feel so inadequate. my lil sis has had 4 abortions and i cant think about it because of the rage that bubbles up in me when i do. sil has just moved to a bigger house and i ranted at dh about how now she will be up the duff again, just like that. seriously, look through some of the threads in conception and you will understand. doesnt mean she is right though. she just cant help it.

BiscuitFace · 17/11/2009 17:59

i have infertility problems and tbh i think you sister is being ridiculous. i do knwo where she is coming from but i had a mc the week before my sister had her first and another the week she announced her second pregnancy tbh it wasn't easy but i think you have to separate the issues. i love my sister and her babies and it would have been much worse if i had wrapped myself up in self pity and cut myself off from her.

Kazzac69 · 18/11/2009 12:20

Hi Jiggerypokery

Its a tough one. My brother's wife had a baby last week and I did send a text saying congratulations but I can't face seeing them. My baby (third miscarriage) would have been due this week and its too painful. I've a friend who had a baby a couple of weeks ago and she's been fine because she's phoned remembering that I've lsot mine but its too close to home for family.

All you can do is send her a letter saying you love her and hope that she gets in touch when she's accepted her postion.


jellybeans · 20/11/2009 21:38

Biscuitface Different people feel very differently. After my first stillbirth I was just about OK around pg women and babies as I felt it was worse to avoid them and I didn't want their baby i wanted mine BUT after my 2nd it was not possible as I just could not face anyone at all. It wasn't a choice, it was just too painful and emotionally impossible, and I certainly wouldn't put it as 'wrapping myself in self pity or being ridiculous!!!'

SpringBlossom · 27/11/2009 09:30

Hi Jiggerypokery,

I completely understand how your sister feels, I lost my baby when I was 19 weeks pregnant and seeing pregnant women was horrendous. Now I feel upset by women with babies who are six months old. But it has got better as time has passed. I had a friend who got pregnant two months after I lost my baby and I had to say to her I couldn't see her while she was pregnant; she was very understanding about it. I feel better now the baby has been born but I still haven't got the nerve up to see her.

I think sending her a card, saying you miss her, perhaps not referencing all this but saying perhaps you could meet up just the two of you (e.g. no baby) for a chat/coffee/bit of shopping? Then when you do see her, make a really big effort not to talk about baby. Let her bring it up (if she does, she may very well not). I don't mean deny the existence of your baby for next 18 years but try and re-establish your friendship/relationship with your sister away from this thing that is hurting her so deeply. I am sure she misses you and deep down wants to know what is going on etc. But that may take some time - a long time even. If you can give her time and space I hope she will be able to meet you halfway so to speak.

popsy1 · 29/11/2009 21:33

Hi Jiggerpokery.
I also completely understand how your sister feels. I lost my baby boy at 19weeks earlier this year and the pain was unbearable at times. That feeling of loss, grief, anger, resentment, sorrow and failure is, at times, so hard to manage. Seeing or being around pregnant ladies or babies just makes you feel worse. Its like a reminder of what you havent got. All the stages you never reached and experiences you wont have. We still haven't been able to conceive again and are having fertilty treatment again, this just makes thing even worse. The feeling of failure can tear you apart.

My best friend told me she was pg 4 wks after i lost my baby. I told her i couldn't see her and had very little contact with her. I have seen her and baby a few times but unfortunatley i dont things will ever be the same. However it doesnt stop me thinking of them.
I agree with springblossom and other ladies that say send her a card and try meeting just the 2 of you. Start to rebuild your relationship. Let her talk about her. Loosing a baby and infertility and be a very lonely time.

I truly hope things work out for you. Let us know how things are. xx

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