Coping after mc - flashbacks

[witzend]

Hi everyone

I have just have 1st mc at 8 weeks, started bleeding/pain around 6.3 then had a scan which showed heartbeat and normal growth (cautiously over the moon!) only to then start clotting etc a week later to have mc confirmed by scan on Fri. At least I have a pic of my little one though when his heart was beating. I have just framed it and put one in my wallet.

However, I hate to be graphic but please bear with me as I need to share this part of the experience and see if anyone can help. I passed a clot on Wed with pain etc. then a large clot on thurs morning and I saw the baby in the loo.

I panicked and my instinct was to get it out and hold it to say goodbye I couldn't see any detail but it was white and the size of a grape so I knew it was the little one in the bottom of the loo. I ran to the kitchen to get a large spoon, my stepson and DS (just turned 3) were having breakfast with their Dad so I didn't make a fuss in front of the boys and upset them but took my DH to one side and told him. He was upset and v supportive. He persuaded me to not fish around in the loo which I know was the right thing as it would no doubt have traumatised me further. I then flushed it on auto pilot and collapsed in a bit of a heap.

I feel it was so disrespectful to just flush it away like that and want to be in the bathroom all the time to be near the baby. Every time I close my eyes I see that image and feel like I shouldn't have flushed so soon. I dont blame my DH for persuading me to put the spoon back as I think my flashbacks would have been worse than they are.

I have tried to move on a bit and, as a very close friend has just had her 2nd mc in the same week I have bought myself and her a bracelet with a large and small heart on to remember our babies so am waiting for that to come through the post and will not take it off...

I just keep regretting not burying my baby - does that make sense? It feels like other humans get a burial/service and yet for early mcs the "person" gets flushed away. No matter how small, whether the size of a grape or whatever it's still a person. I wonder whether anyone else feels like this and what did you do?

Thanks in advance xx

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I did exactly the same thing, with both my m/c's this year, and I had flashbacks and recurring nightmares about it for a few weeks but it does eventually pass and that feeling of regret lessens with time.

It is an act bourne out of shock, nothing more, and we are not the first women to have done it, nor will be the last. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Easier said than done, I know.

Ideas that I have read on here and other sites to remember a baby lost through miscarriage are things like setting off balloons, planting a tree, lighting candles, memory boxes etc... Many people find comfort in those things and annivesaries of the m/c and when the due dates roll around something special can be done to commemorate the occasion. Personalise it the way you like.

I personally most days just look outside on a clear night, find the brightest star and say "goodnight".

As the old cliche goes - time is a healer. Give yourself time to grieve and try not to dwell upon how it all ended.

xxx

Thanks both for your messages.

You are right, it helped so much lunatic just to know you had taken the time to read my post so thanks for that .

Had a good cry when I read both your replies. I love the star idea Prune and will use that one.

Just as I was reading your replies my bracelet turned up so I have it on now with a large silver heart and small one next to it which jangles all the time. It's really lovely and I feel better already focussing on this and not how it ended.

Just feel nearer to the baby's memory now rather than the end. Although still getting the flashbacks I will take comfort from your advice re time. I also framed the scan at 6.3 so am really grareful for that.

Sorry to hear of your losses Prune, one brave lady.

Thanks again to your both for your help xx

witzend I hope things are getting easier for you. I wear a simple heart on a chain, that I bought myself after my first Mc. To me it represents the love I felt for that baby, the one I am losing now, but also my ds. I guess it represents my love for my family. I find it comforting.

As to flash backs - I have had a very very similar exprerience to you (both times) and I will never forget that. I do not get flashbacks any more though, but remember if I think about it iykwim. Things do get easier in time. The pain (physical and emotional) eases and as Prune says, we are not the first, and will not be the last to go through it - we discover we are stronger that we think.

Thanks for asking Latest, the flashbacks are still alive and kicking but lessening already. I think this has to do with the bracelet and trying to change my focus. I talked to my GP about them today and got v upset but it also really helped to tell her. Had really bad flashbacks after traumatic birth of DS so I am taking comfort from them lessening with time although of course the birth had a happy ending ....

I love your necklace story and find the bracelet comforting and reassuring too. I keep kissing it which probably would make me look like a mad woman in public but helps, so I don't care!!

You're right about discovering strength
you didn't know you had - just reading this site and the posts shows it in bucket fulls...pretty amazing really.

I had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks as well and had to sadly flush the little one down the toilet. So sad - it shouldn't be that way.

I had a good cry afterwards and never told my husband what I saw. To this day (3 years and 2 successful babies later) I still think about the lost little one and the images of the toilet.

Lost but never forgotton.

witzend it sounds like you are turning a corner already - don't worry about looking mad kissing it (though you probly looking every so slightly mad ). I'm glad your doctor was good to talk too - it all helps!