Writing to parents after a late miscarriage

[anonoct2009]

Have namechanged

Some friends of ours have lost a baby in a late miscarriage. I want to write to them and say how sorry I am (that's easy), what practical thing I might be able to do to help (also easy to write) and something as well to help them feel that this lost baby is still and always part of our wider 'family' and that I will not forget. I am not really, really close to these people and I don't think it will come up in conversation much but I won't forget this loss and I want them to know that without it sounding over the top. I don't want to upset them more of course - but I think that's probably impossible anyway. Can I just ask for views - shall I stick with practical and saying I'm sorry or shall I try to articulate this deeper feeling. If it were me I would want to know that the baby mattered to people - but if they're coping by trying not to think too much about what's lost would that make it worse if I articulate it?

If it were me I would probably write the 'easy' stuff and then maybe include a nice poem or soemthing which is appropriate?

what you said sounds lovely to me

Do write to them. Write what comes from your heart. Its a lovely thought and it will mean heaps to them that their baby means something to others. Do you know if they named the baby?

Thanks - no I don't know if they named the baby but I suspect they will have done. I will ask when I see them. I just feel very conscious from everything I've read on here that feeling your child isn't remembered is so painful to people and I don't want to fall in to that trap - but neither do I want to get it wrong and hit the wrong tone and make them feel worse. Thanks so much for the feedback - it's very confidence inspiring!

Pretty much word for word what you've said. And then write again later - a friend did this for me, and it's the continued remembering that makes all the difference. I love the wider family bit - that's how I feel dd1 is to our close friends.

I think it is important after the 1st contact to follow it up 6 months/a year later

So many people express their commiserations soon after something like this. Then never mention it again. That is very upsetting.

Firstly, can i say what a lovely thoughtful friend you must be. I suffered a late miscarriage and it really helped knowing how it affected others. I completely agree, send a card/letter saying how sorry you are and what comes into your heart and then keep in touch.
I had a friend who has been amazing, her endless support has helped me and my hubby so much. Random texts to say she was thinking of us, flowers, not huge bouquets touching flowers choosen with thought, endless times of just sitting with whilst i cried and listening to the same story over and over again. Its those things that i remember.
She often said to me i know i'm not always going to get it right and i will say or do things that hurt you but i want to be here because i love and value our friendship. She visits my sons grave and we were going to ask her to be god mother, she told me not long after he was born, she still wanted to do that, it meant so much to me.
Hope all oes well for you and your friend
xx