Failed pregnancy - what did I do wrong?

[Animagdon]

On Wednesday I had my first midwife appointment for my first pregnancy at 9wks and everything was fine. Thursday night I started bleeding, spent a night in hospital and then had a scan yesterday morning. Failed pregnancy. Amniotic sac no more than 5wks, no heartbeat. I have to go back in a weeks time for another scan to confirm. Last night I felt it slip away from me....was so quick. I just ache now; back, abdomen, heart.

People (partner, parents, friends - all of which seem as upset about it as I am but are able to think clearer than me it seems) keep telling me that it was just a cluster of cells and I know they're being pragmatic...but that was my child. I feel as though I have lost my child. And everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault...how can it not be? Should I have taken multi-vitamins instead of folic acid on it's own? Should I have cut tea out completely instead of just cutting down? Did I not stop smoking soon enough (I stopped the minute the test went pink on the 13th July)? Did I twist funny in the night and dislodge it?

Because I passed it last night instead of having a scan next week now I have to go and have a pregnancy test. I was really hoping when I went yesterday that I'd have an early birthday present (I'm 29 tomorrow) and be told everything was fine....instead I feel as though my world has been flipped upside down and feeling it slip out of me in a heartbeat it never had just devasted me...been crying ever since.

I know that there are thousands of women out there who are much worse off...some probably reading this now and thinking 'selfish cow at least she conceived'...I'm not meaning to cause any of you any offence, I just needed to get this out of my head.

I wouldn't wish this feeling or experience on anybody and for all of you out there going through something similar then my heart goes out to you xxx

You did absolutely nothing wrong at all.

I have never been through what you are going through right now so don't have any massive words of wisdom but just wanted to answer you.

You say you feel as though you have lost your child. You have lost a child. I know that when family & friends are trying to reassure you by saying it was just a cluster of cells etc but they need to understand that to you, the baby was just that - a baby.

I am sure that somebody will be along soon to help you.

Take care and I am very sorry for your loss.

It can be hard to accept, but you didn't do anything wrong. These things just happen.

My first pregnancy, I did EVERYTHING right, and I miscarried at 7 weeks. My second, I drank (before I knew), took antibiotics and steroids for a chest infection, had a chest xray, didn't take my pregnacare at all---and I'm due in 9 days with an apparently very healthy baby.

It's horrible, but you can't blame yourself. As you probably know, miscarriages are incredibly common. Once you have one you find that people are coming out of everywhere to tell you they had one or know someone who has. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Yes, I agree with the other posters, it was your child you lost not just ' a cluster of cells'. People are well meaning when they say such things but it doesn't help.

Again, you did nothing wrong but if you had a reason for a miscarriage it would answer some of your many questions but often there there really is no reason .

Its highly likely that your next pregnancy WILL work out but for now you have every right to feel devestated. I have had two MC's so sadly know how painful it can be. Take care x

Hi
I have just been through something similar. I had my 2nd midwife appt- - everything was fine till i started brown/red spotting late that day- ended in a MC.

I was 11 weeks but baby with no heartbeat was found at 7 weeks only - so i had no idea it had happened..when i found out it was like every inside part of me was being ripped out - bit by bit.

This was 10 days after my 29th birthday! so pants.

Everyone keeps sayings its not my fault, better now than later, etc etc though it is hard. I totally understand that its your baby and thats all it will ever be to you rather than a ball of cells.

Its totally normal to cry , shout anything really.

Its hard not to blame yourself but you must remember that its natures way as they say - - - I kept telling my self i diddnt take it easy and i ran round and diddnt look after myself! There is sometimes no explanation.

its now been 1 week and a half- and I have come a long way since, although it has been painful.

Be strong and try to keep your hopes up. Were still young!!!

From the time you get pregnant, this is your child - you begin to think of how life will be with them in it, plan for the future. So it is SO hard to lose a baby, at whatever stage of pregnancy, because you already imagined their future. You have to grieve, it is your loss, yours and your partners.

As others have said, it was not your fault. You have to remember all the things that were done in the days our parents had us (smoking throughout pregnancy, drinking, let alone drinking tea) to see that although it is good to give these things up, doing them did not mean the end of a pregnancy - otherwise few of us would be here now. I had a recent miscarriage at 14/15wks, but knew already my baby had a chromosome problem that happened right from the moment of conception, there was nothing, nothing that could have changed that. And mostly these things are random chance - I have a healthy DS, with no problems.

But you have lost this baby, and that is still very fresh heartache for you. Let yourself grieve. I know of other mums on here who have birthstones for babies they lost in pregnancy, and when they wear their birthstones it helps them remember, and feel connected to their lost child...

You did nothing wrong. It's hard to accept, but early mc are due to pure bad luck, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent or stop it. It was your baby, and you have every right to grieve, and grieve hard. I don't think people should be telling you it was "just a cluster of cells" - it was your baby. Give yourself time to grieve. People often find that commemorating the baby helps them to grieve. I created a memory box after my mc, with scans, cards that people sent, etc. I also named the baby. I found the Miscarriage Association helpful, and you will find lots of support on MN. It does get better, but it takes time. All the best, and please don't blame yourself. Believe the people who tell you nothing you have done or not done would sadly have made any difference. xx

why is it just bad luck?? why have they still not found a reason!!! arhhhhh

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My MIL was malnourished during her pregnancies, smoked and yet had 6 children (she miscarried no. 7). Twisting funny in the night cannot dislodge a foetus, they are so well protected inside you.

You need to grieve for your loss.
You have had a big disappointment (to put it mildly).

You conceived, so you are half-way towards a baby.

I'm afraid the only reason anyone has come up with is "Some eggs are not of good enough quality" or "some foetuses don't develop properly" which is another way of saying "we haven't a clue". Some conditions do cause recurrent mc (I have one of those) but they are very rare. All that is known is that the risk of mc increases with age - but you can be 20 and have a mc. I'm afraid our bodies are not perfect and don't always get things right first time. We find it very hard to accept, because we are used to controlling most aspects of our lives (work, relationships, etc) so we think because we can stop ourselves from getting pregnant, we can also get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy any time we want, but it doesn't work like that. It's not really under our control. I had to accept that before I could begin to feel better and try again. All the best, do keep your hopes up. I finally produced my DS last April, after 3 years of ttc and a late mc at 17 weeks. I'm 38. there is always hope! xx

Oh sweetheart, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and I'm so so sorry for your loss . It's perfectly normal for you to grieve for the loss of your baby; no matter how many people tell you it was "just" a cluster of cells, as a woman from the minute you get that line on the stick it's your baby and carries with it all your hopes and dreams. It is soooo hard, but if it's any consolation at this stage, it does get easier. I found doing something to honour my two lost babies has made things easier and planted two passion flowers in the garden. I love just seeing how they are developing and growing.

Have you had any information from The Miscarriage Association? They have a fantastic range of leaflets (our hospital gives them to women who have suffered a pregnancy loss) or you can download them from their website. They also have a fantastic support line manned by women who have been through a miscarriage if you want to talk it out with someone.

And I'm sure your friends and family are being well meaning, hard though it is. Keep talking to your partner; he sounds like he is dealing with it in typically blokey fashion, but he will be feeling it too. Be kind to yourselves and take the time to grieve and best of luck for the future

Animagdon, very sorry for your loss. BUt you had nothing to do with it.
I felt same. Thought must have done something wrong. Taken meds, too much caffeine, etc.
Then thought maybe I wasn't grateful enough--was a shock, had to change a lot of plans. Were the gods punishing me?? Had I been too callous?

Mouette's post is very good. It's not under our control.

I have just had exactly the same thing today...had spotting..scan today confirmed sac was there and correct for my dates but baby was showing about 6 weeks and no heartbeat.
they have said my dates could be wrong but i know that they are correct and i have to go back i a week to be scanned again to confirm...i dont know what to do i feel so angry

I'm very sorry for your loss fifisboys. It is a terrible shock and all the harder for you having to wait for confirmation. There's not much I can say except I'm sorry. Please take care of yourself. The MC association is very helpful, they have leaflets you can download and they can also put you in touch with volunteers who have been through the same thing. I'm afraid you are going to be very sad and angry for quite some time, there's nothing that can be done about that, but it will get better I promise. xx

They say one in seven pregnancies ends in miscarriage. There's usually no explanation for them -- certainly not the mother's fault. What a pity people have such a 'practical' attitude, though, which is obviously hurting you deeply. Try to say quietly to them all that you need their support and not to just brush the whole thing under the rug.

oh animagdon you didn't do anything wrong. Your post made me cry.

Nobody who suffers as you have should ever blame themselves. We all do it - I m/cd on holiday - had drank half a glass of prosecco when we were in venice, climbed halfway up a mountain in northern italy, accidentally ate semi-raw chicken the day before the bleeding started. I blamed myself, but when I got back to the UK and had a scan done by someone who spoke english it turns out my baby had stopped developing at 5 weeks, which was when I found out. Nothing I did could possibly have made any difference. You have to stop beating yourself up over this, you have enough to deal with.

fifisboy good luck with your second scan. Jules I'm aorry for your loss too

I'm extremely sorry for your loss. I hope you're feeling better now.

I went in today to have my dating scan. The first nurse really searched my uterus for a while. She kept asking me if I'm sure about the date of my last period. I said I was. She asked me if I had had any bleeding - I had had none. I instinctively knew that something was wrong then.

I am 10 weeks and 2 days today, and I haven't had any complications at all. I had very little morning sickness and only felt weak @ around 6 weeks.

The nurse then told me that I would need to have an internal scan for more details. I had one only to be told that the baby had no movement and no heartbeat! I was also told that the baby was only 6 weeks and 1 day old, meaning that it has been dead for 4 weeks!

This is my second pregnancy and I have been feeling movement in my tummy! Has it been psychological? This world is so confusing!

I'm going in tomorrow to the early pregnancy clinic @ the hospital for more tests and then to have a D&C. I can't believe how suddenly my life has changed!

For all the mothers out there who have gone through (or are going through) the same situation, my thoughts are with you all.

xxx

So sorry Animagdon and Tennis - miscarriages are heartbreaking.

Animagdon, you did nothing that caused you to lose your baby, it was just not meant to be. I had a missed miscarriage in my first pregnancy so know what you are going through.

I can imagine that you've been planning ahead to the birth, marking significant dates, thinking about when you'd be buying different bits and pieces, planning out how you'd arrange rooms, thinking about names and so on. Suddenly, that's all gone and you now have an aching void where your child should be.

Over these next few weeks, be gentle with yourself. If you need to cry - do it. If you need to howl - do it. You need to let it out and grieve for your beautiful baby and what could have been.

Miscarriage is so common, but very rarely talked about. This doesn't mean that you can't have a successful pregnancy. Three months after my miscarriage I was pregnant with my DD which helped to heal me, but I'll never forget my first baby. Take care.

Hi, I just read your message and it touched me deeply cause I just went through something similar.

I was five weeks pregnant when I went for my first scan. The doctor diagnosed it as a molar pregnancy and insisted if I did not get rid of it immediately it could become malignant.

That moment I felt like my world had been pulled out from underneath me. How could she tell me that my baby was not really a baby? It was terribly painful and frustrating. I had a D&C.

That was in February but I still cannot get over the sense of loss I feel. I've been thinking in the back of my mind, "was it somehow my fault?" I haven't quite been able to understand what on earth happened. How could I be pregnant if it wasn't a baby?

On my most recent check up the results from my D&C finally came back. The results say it wasn't a molar pregnancy. The doctor now tells me it was a failed pregnancy.

What is haunting me now is how could she know it was a failed pregnancy at 5 weeks if it wasn't a molar. The horrifying thought in the back of my mind is did I kill my baby?

I'm trying to get over this whole episode but I feel like a horrible mom, I wasn't able to protect my baby. I feel like I shouldn't have trusted the doctor.

I have suffered two missed miscarriages. I know the feeling of having that baby snatched away from you in a single sentence, taken from you. I searched for so long to find answers but now I know sometimes there is no reason for it. At least not one that can be found. It is now 6 years on the 28th since I found our my first had died between 8 and 9 weeks, the second was 8weeks 6 days and I changed to a healthy diet and everything, never smoked etc, but with my third I kept eating the wrong things, drank coke all the way through and had a healthy 6pound9 baby boy who is 2 next Monday.

There doesn't seem to be a reason. I wish I could give you one.