Tried so hard to not let this mc be for nothing

[BuckBuckMcFate]

I lost my baby on 30th March.

I have 3 Dc and the pg was unplanned and unwanted.

Dp and I talked about termination as neither of us wanted it.

When it came down to it though, we looked at our DC and realised that we had to give this one a chance.

We started to let it be part of our lives and told our eldest DC(12).

Then I lost the baby.

I have had nothing but support from my famil and friends.

I had a scan in hospital and the only thing left inside me was the baby. I came home and had to just wait for the baby to come out

This happened just before dawn and then DP and I went for a walk up the mountain and sat looking down the valley and talked and talked about what we thought this baby of ours would've been like.

I decided that I had to make something positive out of this and made the (overdue) changes to my life. i have got a part time job now and have gone back to college. I'm not religious but part of me wanted to be able to say to my baby when I meet it again that it's very short life wasn't wasted and it gave me the courage to change.

But I'm finding it so hard to stay positive. I dream that I am pregnant every night and hate waking up to my flat stomach every morning

I am not looking for any advice just needed to say this to someone

Thank you if you have taken teh time to read this

[gigglewitch]

hugs, bucky. 'met' you on the mc thread too, you are a strong woman and you should be proud of yourself for doing things the way you have.

[Heathcliffscathy]

I mc'd on 31st March.

I feel my baby left behind some gifts. I struggle to stay positive and in touch with them. I also dream about spotting most nights and the beginning of the miscarriage.

I find that the days are becoming easier. then something happens and it hits me like a truck.

Your post is beautiful and makes me feel less alone. Thank you so much for saying it.

[hester]

Your post made me cry, BuckBuck. I know how painful it is to lose a child through miscarriage. It sounds as though you have found very profound meaning in the experience, but you still have a lot of grief left to resolve.

You say everyone has been supportive - but is it the right kind of support? Do you have someone you can say the unsayable to? If you want to talk - this is a good place.

I will be thinking of you.

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Thanks gigglewitch

The mc thread was amazing, support as real as in RL

I had to hide it all for a bit though as just couldn't cope with it

How's things with you?

[gigglewitch]

soph, your post is lovely too.

My lo would have been due this month - it's so hard sometimes.

I think we all want to make something change - I'm moving jobs, something I should have done sooner. I hadn't thought of it that the little bean's energy has helped us to move on, but you are both so right. Thank you, that has helped me too tonight....

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Sophable, you have made me cry now (in a good way, tho!)

Hester, you're right about the unsayable, I have got real problems with the fact that the MW who did the scan told me it was only the baby inside me, so when I got home I knew that the last loss was my baby and I just felt so helpless, and heartless

[Heathcliffscathy]

buckbuck that is unbelievable. i sometimes wonder about the sadism inherent in some (note some before hoards of midwives descend on me) healthcare workers and those dealing in obs/gynae in particular.

that is so awful.

[gigglewitch]

it's feeling so out of control of your own body that is the worst part - betrayed or something. The 'unsayable' is so true - this site is absolutely a lifeline for that

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Gigglewitch, you sound like you are making positive changes too, I find it helps me think of it all as not being so utterly pointless

Sophable, I agree with you entirely. One of the nurses was lovely, she held me when I really wanted my mum. But the MW seemed so indifferent to it all, (which I know we are all guilty of when it comes to our jobs) but i sat through the scan with tears streaming down my face and I just thought she could be more sensitive

[gigglewitch]

Bucky, you are an inspiration

[BuckBuckMcFate]

And I also want to say Thank You for replying.

I could feel the hysteria building, I have tried to talk to DP about my dreams this evening and I know that he feels at a loss as to what to say to me, he just desparately wants me to be 'OK' so I got a sympathetic look but I could sense he didn't want to go over it again

I think the journos should have a look at the MC threads to get a real idea of why MN is such a wonderful place

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Aw gigglewitch, I'd just stopped crying and you've set me off all over again

I think we all are to each other, I know the mc thread was invaluable to me