Hi Chocolatepenny
Thanks for posting on my thread - and now I'm here to offer you support. A natural miscarriage is such a hard thing to go through and seeing some of the things that comes out of us is very disturbing and I've also had some horrible dreams. Not just about the 'products' (horrible word) but also about the whole hospital experience. I have found reading all the threads, including ones that go into gory details, to be so helpful and I don't feel so alone. It's all quite gross and it feels like we're not supposed to talk about such things, but actually when it is so disturbing we NEED to talk about them (and these forums are the perfect place to do so).
I also know what you mean about being betrayed by your body, especially today... I went for my follow-up scan to make sure everything was out, and it seems to be, but it also seems I have a fybroid or a polyp, as well as a polycystic ovary. This is not the way it was meant to be! I have been waiting and waiting for years to start TTC - a bit more tricky in my situation since my DP is a girl and we are using a known donor. I got pregnant quite quickly which I wasn't surprised about (I actually expected it to work first time, so I suppose third time was good enough!) But now it looks like there might be complications - it might be nothing serious, but I'll need further scans and I can't help but feel exactly like you that my body has let me down. (My mother is of the opinion, and I suppose many others will be, that this is God's will as I am not meant to have children because of my sexuality but let's not go there now.)
Everyone's advice, especially on MN, is to allow yourself to grieve. I find that a bit confusing because I don't really feel a great sense of loss - I hadn't allowed myself to get too attached because I knew we weren't at the safe point. I do feel a sense of loss, but I don't feel I've lost a baby. However, I am starting to realise that grieving can mean many things, and can include grieving for my lost pregnancy and facing the fears I have of never having a successful pregnancy and allowing myself to think and feel all the horrible things. So my advice to you is to do the same, and allow yourself to feel tired and scared and angry at your body - but don't allow it to become overpowering or it will take over. It's important to keep sharing how you are feeling especially with your DH, but if you are struggling with that then share here on MN where you can just rant and rave and no-one's going to judge you. It might also help you to find the right words to express your feelings to DH. I think the worst thing to do is to shut him out. Don't let this MC take over and don't let it destroy anything else, especially your relationship with your DH and your DS.
It's early days for both you and me and I think there are plenty of ups and downs for us yet, so we need to give it time. If you need a hand I'm right here.
xx